Some funny alcohol quotes...

[Ken_the_Geordie]

I'm typing these by hand - not cut 'n' paste - so any typos are mine.

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Mrs Merton [whose an alkie in real life] (to George Best [a famous -now dead - alkie football player]): If you hadn't run around so much, maybe you wouldn't have been so thirsty.

It only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the 13th or 14th. George Burns

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me". He showed me a naked picture of my wife. Rodney Dangerfield

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. W C Fields

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!". David Letterman

Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth. Steve Allen

French wine-growers fear that this years vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape-treaders sit-in. The Two Ronnies.

Have you ever been so drunk you wet the bed [many many many times here ]? Not laying in it; just standing up and pissing on it? Azch Galiflanakis

Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. Homer Simpson

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. W C Fields (I love this one).

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that. Paula Poundstone

I had to stop drinkin' 'cause I got tired of waking in my car driving 90. Richard Pryor

I know what you're thinking: "You've been drinking again, Paul." "No, well, yes, but I know when to stop. I know if I'm lying on my back, choking on my own vomit, I know I should only have one, maybe two, more drinks and after that, I'd better stick to shorts". Paul Calf (Steve Coogan)

I once drank 17 pints of Guinness followed by a vindaloo curry. The next morning, I had the most amazing out-of-body experience. John Dowie.

I remember the difficulty in Glasgow [heavy drinking Scottish city] of my father being a teetotaller - and the shame, on Saturday nights, of him being constantly thrown into pubs. Arnold Brown

I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say? Paula Poundstone

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I've had enough typing, but I've more; maybe I'll add one per day like a daily reflection?

Hope you enjoyed.

[Steven F]

Thanks Ken! Maybe we'll have to start collecting the ones we hear here in the forum.

One that comes to mind is the one about almost drowning when swimming drunk and deciding not to swim again. And the "I'm not sure if I had many blackouts" still triggers a chuckle in my homegroup .

[Ken_the_Geordie]

Or the "I drank fifteen pints of lager and ate a donor kebab; shortly after I was violently sick and I thought, 'I've not gonna eat a kebab again!'"

[Marc L]

Thanks man;
Got up this morning feeling a little bummed and those put a smile on my face.
And sure; if you have more, go on and post'em!

Marc

[Ken_the_Geordie]

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, "I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around". Chelsea Handler.

I'm in no condition to drive... Wait! I shouldn't listen to myself; I'm drunk! Homer Simpson

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman

My favourite alcohol is tequila, 'cos my brain cells sing the Mexican National Anthem as they die. Basil White.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. Rita Rudner

Now, don't say you can't swear off drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times. W C Fields

The main purpose of alcohol is to make English your second language. Robin Williams

The problem with the designated driver program: It's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Foxworthy

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her. W C Fields.

[Blue Moon]

Or the "I drank fifteen pints of lager and ate a donor kebab; shortly after I was violently sick and I thought, 'I've not gonna eat a kebab again!'"

Oh Man ... that brings back one horrible memory of an episode.

I was in a restaurant in a hotel I was staying at and .... ok, I need not go into detail. The next morning I got them to deduct the "bad prawn cocktail" from my bill. No mention of the pints of beer and whole bottle of wine (red wine ... shudder) I had guzzled before even starting to eat.

Seriously, I envy folks who always had blackouts, they have the bliss of not having to endure such memories!

[Lali]

From Ken's post: "I drank fifteen pints of lager and ate a donor kebab; shortly after I was violently sick and I thought, 'I've not gonna eat a kebab again!'"

That quote reminded me of a drinking buddy of mine. Without fail, she would have too much to drink and every single time she would say, "Somebody must have put something in my drink." I suppose she thought someone was lurking around just to put something in her drink so's she couldn't drive home safely.

[Ken_the_Geordie]

Lisa, my equivalent after I've just done the impression of that lass from The Exorcist was to say, "I must've had a bad pint! *Hic*"

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Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. David Moulton (True; I bought a crate of Bud from a US PX and it was like water! )

Woody: Pour you a beer, Mr Peterson?
Norm: All right, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty. (Cheers)

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knowns your name, and you've never been to that bar before. Zach Galifianakis

[Dubious Bellbottom]

I will quit drinking... as soon as I can find a quicker way to get it down. Homer and Jethrow 1963

[tomsteve]

for some reason, an officer though i might be under the influence driving. i had to go through some counseling before sentencing. and i was actually honest about how much i drank. all that time that counselor was trying to get me to see i had a drinking problem.
i told her once, which i think had her wave the white flag:
"i dont have a drinking problem. i just like to get drunk!'