issues with a f2f member in my home group

[cittasanto]

Hi all.
New member here, with 15moths sobriety.
I have spoken to my sponsor and he has assured me that I have done my best and kept my side of the street clean. However, I would like others' input as I still have doubts about the cause...

I chair a meeting and a new format for the meeting rotation was agreed upon at a group conscious meeting. implementing the new format (emotional sobriety, big book steps as well as using the 12&12) was postponed a couple of weeks so everyone who couldn't attend the consciousness meeting could be informed/new material gotten...
the week the new rotation was implemented, a longstanding member arrived, informed, questions answered, and everything seemed fine. A newcomer arrived so I chose "the doctor's opinion" for going through step one as it is one of the readings recommended for a newcomer in the AA UK leaflet welcoming a newcomer, and I have seen it several times online as the reading for the powerlessness aspect of step one.
Here is where the issue happens, after everyone else had left and I was putting the last of the bits and pieces away, he confronted me saying as it was a step meeting chapter three should have been read, I didn't understand his objection and said that, and that the doctor's opinion covers the step nicely for the newcomer, at which point he started shouting at me, and accusing me of being arrogant......... I stayed calm, and when I got home called my sponsor.
This did leave me shaken and as I have adjustment disorder it has triggered me greatly so have had to go on extra medication. and I have done some hasty/childish things like handing in my keys, and telling everyone I am no longer going to attend meetings (the only other available meetings are NA & CA which he also attends) but after explaining the situation with a chairperson of those meetings I have gone to them, so I am not 12 steps meetingless.
however, when he apologised, it did seem to me half-baked (which could be me projecting) and I simply left without saying anything and went home (it was here I told everyone Im no longer attending...).
I don't believe I could have handled the situation any better but I also can not see how I could so your input in and suggestions are most welcome
Kind regards
Cittasanto

[avaneesh912]

First welcome to the forum. Being early in the recovery phase these things can happen and please dont it too hard. Understand that even though the so called old-timers have lot of time behing their back, at times the spiritual malady creeps in. Not knowing too much about this person I cant comment much. I ran into a different situation early in my recovery. There was a guy who would recite the 9th step promises. As a newcomer, I believed that person has worked the steps and has been living the promises. Latter on I came to know that he was still on the step 1 and struggling with "God concept". Had some heated exhanges with that dude. I then had to let go of the resentment. Lot of people put a show just like fifth step narration in the big book talks about. They want to see a different image of themselves but internally they could be fuming.

[cittasanto]

Hi & Thankyou avaneesh912
I Have been working on not developing resentments and loosening my mental proliferation on personal level, but due to condition previously mentioned, the physical reaction is still ongoing (I have the shakes not drink-related).
I have been trying to put guy fawks/annonymous masks in mental reflections on the subject, which is easier said than done, but it has helped not develop a resentment fully (at least)
Kind regards

[PaigeB]

Only you know if you did your best or if you can do better. BUT! Going forward is what counts.
I found these nuggets of hope in As Bill Sees it... As Bill Sees it readings quoted in Daily Reflections

RELEASE FROM FEAR
The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and grace to deal constructively with whatever fears remain. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 61**

FEAR AND FAITH
The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other conditions of serious insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion — well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 263**

"we shall all react" means I may fail in my own eyes or I may succeed... I think Bill is saying that WE WILL do both at one time or another. There is Hope in this as to me it literally means NO PRESSURE.

My Faith is flimsy. Like in this analogy from the Big Book, "What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living " that really works. (pg 28)

[MyNameIsBetsy]

Hi cittasanto,

I've been thinking about your situation for a while and wondering what experience I might have which could be helpful. This is what I have come up with . . .

When I was within a few years into AA, I held an expectation that certain sober members of AA would act a certain way. I looked up to them. Certainly they would be conducting themselves with all of the principles of this program at all times. And you know what? They didn't.

I developed resentments against some of them which showed up on my fourth step list. I learned that we are still human. And I learned that some of us are sicker than others no matter how many years in the program we all might have.

This is what I try to do now:

- I lower my expectations of others, especially those I admire and respect in sobriety. I give them grace to be human too.

- I let it go. Imagine those noted philosophers Elsa and Anna (from the movie Frozen - anyone with kids KNOWS that song!!!) singing "Let it go . . .let it go . . . " That makes me smile and I can go on with life - my own life.

Betsy
an alcoholic

[SethV86]

Hey! I can relate to (what seems based on the post) the ability to respond to the feedback but not overreact which is what it sounds like you were able to pull off in the heat of the moment.

However, it sounds like the inward emotions of perhaps fear and confusion have created the residual storm that forms a resentment.

Any situation that disturbs me in a way I can feel emotionally (the latin definition of re-sent literally means to re-feel) after the fact that results in me planning to retaliate, avoid, or domineer to regain superiority needs to be examined and removed by using steps 4 through 10 to be placed in God's hands and erased from my egos fantasy factory.

You were doing service for your group. I would suggest not allowing the symptoms of one members Spiritual sickness to prevent you from continuing your current service work.

I would also ask myself why I'm still holding onto it? Usually I discover that one of my personas were threatened and a fear has cropped up that someone is going to take something from me I have or prevent me from getting something I want (physically/emotionally/socially/materially etc.).

These things are bound to arise within groups as we are all alcoholics and human as well. It is inevitable that from time to time personalities will collide when one or more person(s) serenity is on shaky ground and therefore even in a dispute regarding AA matters our Spiritual condition is set aside and ego slides back into the seat to feel superior, righteous or even just to win a senseless argument.

Use the steps. God has complex and mysterious ways of teaching us simple lessons that are hard to wrap our heads around initially but by using the steps and aligning with God, we often look back and see many unexplainable nonsensical situations as lessons towards growth.

[PaigeB]

Use the steps. God has complex and mysterious ways of teaching us simple lessons that are hard to wrap our heads around initially but by using the steps and aligning with God, we often look back and see many unexplainable nonsensical situations as lessons towards growth.

Good stuff Seth.

I was told that no matter what Step you are working on - or use the Step of the month - that WILL help you solve your problem.

Also fun? Open to a random page in the 12 & 12. No matter what Step or Tradition land on will give you guidance!

[D'oh]

There might only be 2 sides to an argument, but there might be several more sides affected.

Every Meeting has an Answer needed to be heard, we just have to hear it. There have been no Bad Readings, but there has been Bad Attitudes/Actions.

The Traditions would apply here, not only the 1st, but more importantly the 5th Tradition

5. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the
alcoholic who still suffers.