Should I tell sponsor I’m bisexual

[Soberbadass]

Long story short. I’ve been in recovery (with some relapses and slips) for 20 years. I’ve struggled with my sexuality for all of my life. During the past couple of year I’ve gone through a separation and divorce on my ex-wife — It was a monogamous relationship of 12 years and I was honest with my ex about my sexuality from the beginning (and was also honest with previous partners). I started to recognize that I had a lot of inner hatred due to my sexuality. I’ve been dealing with it recently in therapy. I have a great sponsor that has really helped me cope with my marital issues but I’ve never disclosed my sexuality to him. I live in a pretty conservative part of the country and I’ve always been fearful about how it might change the dynamic of our sponsor-sponsee relationship. Do you think this is something that I should continue to hide or is it something that I should speak with him about? Thanks for your suggestions!

[Layne]

That is a complicated question. Does your struggle with your sexuality have any part in your slips and relapses? Have you worked the twelve steps or are you currently working the steps? How long have you had this sponsor? What role does this sponsor play in your recovery?

My first reaction was if your sponsor had a negative reaction to you revealing your sexual orientation, maybe he doesn't model the recovery that you want for yourself, but upon reflection and without knowing more about the situation (hence questions), my reaction was an unfair knee jerk reaction. None of us are perfect in our recovery, so my reaction was far too judgemental.

Also there is a difference between hiding something and letting people know facts about us on a need to know basis. My wife is my closest friend, but even she doesn't know everything about me nor does she need to. Although I am not hiding anything from her either, I am pretty much an open book with her, so I have no struggles with undisclosed facts about me.

What is the thought process behind telling your sponsor? Is your sponsor equipped to hear your truth or would it cause them stress? Depending upon your answers, it might possibly be best to leaving the reveal to the trained professional in your therapy sessions.

I don't know if any of this helps, but just wanted to give you food for thought on a pretty weighty situation. Good luck and be sure to listen to your soul, because it won't steer you wrong if you truly listen

[PaigeB]

Thanks for your suggestions!

I like Layne's reply! My suggestion was to take it thru the Steps.
1) Am I powerless over my sexuality? Is it unmanageable (the fears)?
2) Do I believe that my HP can restore me to sanity (where I am comfortable with who I am)
3) Can I turn this all over to my HP (results are up to HP - I just do the process)
4) Put pen to paper and write inventory on it resentments, fears, behaviors...

You see my point? Then you can see if you want to do a 5th Step WITH your sponsor or another trusted AA friend or a closemouthed pastor or doctor. If you are NOT willing to do a 5th Step on it, you can pray for willingness.

I hope that helps!