Is this right?

[lyssamanzi]

Husband comes home from meetings over like a 4 to 6 month period and says a woman at the group invited him to dinner, But I can go too. The same woman asked him to watch football with her boyfriend, but im invited too. Other time, I think it was to hang out, but I was invited too. To be clear, she had never asked me to do anything. he always threw the invite in at the end. I was just like ok. Nothing ever came from it.
Go to new years eve, and I go with him to the meeting with him and my mom, who are both sober. She walks up to him, completely makes no eye contact with me, and starts talking. He turns to me and goes hey, this is cat. She turns to me, says hello, and immediately turns back to him and starts talking. I should have said something, but my first thought was, wow..okay..lol.
Three days later, she invited him to have a coffee cause shes was upset and wanted to talk, and their mothers passed around the same time, and she relapsed. It was not near mothers day or the passing date. So I told him I didn't want him to go, and he went. I have been against that woman since then.
Am I wrong? Some of these people are really sick. Would you trust your partner with someone you were not okay with, and they went anyways. He says this is fine in AA, and they help each other, and his recovery depends on it. I asked if she could call someone else, and well, I guess not.
I have been cheated on in the past, so he knew I would never be cool with him meeting with a woman who turned her nose up at me.
Am I wrong?

[MyNameIsBetsy]

Hi. Thanks for writing.

May I suggest clearing the air and telling your husband exactly what you have written here?

It can be difficult with newly sober people to know where to draw healthy boundaries with other newly sober, needy people. We want to help each other, especially in early sobriety. By helping each other, we help ourselves stay sober. That's a good thing!!!

These AA relationships can cause trouble in our personal relationships, especially when those AA relationships cross over between genders. It is often best to clear the air and have adult discussions. Awkward, yes. But healthy boundaries sometimes take work.

Also, we have a sister program for families of alcoholics. That program is Al-Anon. You might want to look into it. Here is a link for Al-Anon: https://al-anon.org/

Betsy
an alcoholic

[PaigeB]

... their mothers passed around the same time, and she relapsed. It was not near mothers day or the passing date.
... a woman who turned her nose up at me.
Am I wrong?

I don't know if anything is wrong for you - but I compared these notes I cut from your talk and I know how I would see me! Now I am not a newcomer AND I have a sponsor and have worked the 12 Steps of AA. I have some practice at self awareness now, that I could not even imagine before the Steps changed my heart and mind.

I would not want to forget this woman is hurting. The death of my Father hurts everyday even though he passed 12+ years ago. I cannot judge her without thinking of her pain. Besides that I KNOW her because she is an alcoholic and so am I. We think in a way that people without the disease find it hard to understand. I am totally socially awkward and inept. Social niceties are not a requirement but only something I can practice at. I hope she learns to make eye contact and social chit chat with people outside the program, but at least she is practicing in the rooms. Coffee alone might be different, but in the rooms is usually pretty safe.

When someone turns their nose up at me, I feel sorry for them. I mean, how awful must it be to be the person she is on the inside of her, that she is not filled with Love for all her human people? I KNOW she is missing out by not knowing me! My ego is a bit damaged and is used to getting Its way - but her slight of me really goes to MY FEAR that people just inherently don't like me. This is not true, but it is what My Ego tells me. I don't want to listen to that FEAR anymore. The only way I know is through Love and Tolerance. To try to see her through the Eyes of Love, like my Higher Power would see her. I KNOW she is sick and some are sicker than others. I laugh when I think about that... I mean, by definition this IS A ROOM FULL OF SICK PEOPLE! (Getting well, I hope.)

So I want to end with help for you if you want it. You are certainly under NO obligation, but I want you to know it is out there... When AA was born in the living rooms of Bill & Bob, their wives met in the kitchen. They sort of organically started a sister program that grew up right along side of AA and still thrives today! You can go to them with this question and they will tell you their stories of how we can all recover from the pains of living with alcoholism. Anyone is welcome there. It does not matter if the alcoholic you love is drinking or not.
https://al-anon.org/

I wish Peace for you and your family.

[Brock]

I waited for others to reply to this, because my reply as usual may not be of the traditional ‘roses and kisses and love variety,’ nobody is to blame, etc.

AA is super careful never to say we have to do X or Y, everything is a “suggestion.” And for that reason they give advice on sponsorship in the leaflet ‘Q&A on sponsorship' as follows:-

“A.A. experience does suggest that it is best for men to sponsor men, women to sponsor women.  This custom usually helps our members stay focused on the AA program. 
And…..
“In most instances, A.A. custom does suggest one limitation, already noted on page 10:  If the group is large enough to allow a choice, sponsor, and newcomer be of the same sex.  The reasons are the same from both viewpoints; we A.A. members, no matter how long we have been sober, remain thoroughly human, subject to emotions that might divert us from “our primary purpose.”

Make no mistake, he is treating her and she seems to look upon him as a sponsor, the person you call or see to discuss AA and sobriety, instead of simply advising her to find a female sponsor as the literature suggests. It may sound unkind, but relapsing because your mother died is not the sign of someone ‘properly on the AA road,’ and as we say in AA “stick with the winners;” well that is just another good piece of advice he is ignoring.

Over and over in our literature, we see that the steps are there to deflate our egos, and I have seen this sort of thing happen in the past, with men who were silly enough to get closer to AA ladies to boost the ego rather than deflate it. And they don’t choose the older ‘over the hill’ ones either, for the same ego-boosting reason.

Sorry to say he needs a good kick up the backside, and continuing this when he knows you are not in favor is selfish. Selfishness is one of the most written about subjects in AA literature, including in our Big Book in the chapter ‘How It Works,’ it says:- “Selfishness – self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles.”

I hope he gets his act together soon, and that you are no longer hurt by his behavior.

[avaneesh912]

He says this is fine in AA, and they help each other, and his recovery depends on it.

That is true, however early in sobriety its not advicable. There are some awakened souls in AA that sponsor opposite sex, even in such situations, because the other person is vulnerable during the initial phase of recovery, its not adviced in AA generally to such sponsoship. There are some situations where lesbians feel comfortable with male sponsor and vice versa, gay men may pick female sponsors.

[Layne]

Would you trust your partner with someone you were not okay with

Yes. Either I trust my wife or I don't. I don't have to be okay with everyone she has contact with, in order to trust her. Most of my wife's friends and confidants over the years, would never be my list of friends or confidants. If being truthful, most of them, I try to minimize my contact with.

My wife just got back from a weeks long boat trip with a friend, to see the Northern Lights. I was shaking my head over her choice of traveling companion and was thinking (with complete sarcasm) "Man she really knows how to pick 'um." It then struck me " I am one of the 'ums she picked."... Humility restored and off of my high horse.

The woman may have agenda other than recovery on her mind...and she may not. Either way, I would want to give her the benefit of the doubt and my help with recovery until she proves to be untrustworthy. My wife trusts me, whether she trusts other women or not.

[PaigeB]

"Man she really knows how to pick 'um." It then struck me " I am one of the 'ums she picked."... Humility restored and off of my high horse.
LMAO - Thanks for the laugh on a tough day!