Care for a love one

[Lyalya]

Hi.
I met the guy five months ago, he kind, smart, have good since of humor. On the dates we could have few drinks-nothing crazy. Anyway in a week or so he told me he was an addict and few times went through rehab. I never had an experience of having people with this fight before, but everything feels so right, I see him as a strong person who wants to be in control of his life, so it’s ok with me and I’m willing to support him coz I have feelings . The only thing was that he’s 10 years older than me(31) and after he opened to me I felt awkward to control him drinking ( again he never got drunk I had a feeling that he knows what his doing). Month ago he fail his alcohol test( at the day he was planning to introduce me to his parents) and had to go on rehab. I love him and it’s really hard-wasn’t sure if I’ll see him again- his therapist said he might not ready for relationship. And his parents probably see me now as a reason of his relapse...I might blind but I cannot see our relationship as trigger- we didn’t fight or anything like this. He had a chance to contact me and I know he has feelings for me too, I was reading a lot about it and understand now that I want him to be better and I’m willing to support him no matter what. My question is how to make it right with his parents? To explain that I love their son and don’t want to lose him, want him to be better.How to make it right for him when he back? I don’t want him to have stress about our relationship when therapist and family worry that it’s not a good idea. Should I go to therapy with him? Or myself? He told me that he’s not be drinking anymore and I’m not gonna drink neither to support him and to comfort him. Please advise how to make it right? Sorry for grammar-English is my second language

[Brock]

We get this type of question here from time to time, it is good that you want to help him and get further information.

You said the therapist indicated he may not be ready for a relationship, and this is the same advise we usually give at AA, saying take one year without such commitments, but it is up to him to make that decision. You should not worry about his parents blaming you in any way, that’s what parents do at first, look for someone or something else to blame, instead of the real person their son, but they will realize that he is responsible after a while.

I suppose he is an addict of something other than alcohol, because an alcoholic can not just have a few drinks like he does, an alcoholic would keep drinking, maybe the alcohol triggers his real addiction. But here again he must decide, together with any advise he gets.

I don’t think you should go to therapy with him unless you are invited by the therapist, but there are two types of groups for family members and friends like yourself, Al-anon is for alcohol and Nar-anon for drugs. You can google these names and find meetings in your area, there you will find people who have good advise, and a program you can use if you want to, at least it will give you a better understanding of the disease of addiction.

I wish both yourself and your friend the best of luck, no need to apologize about the grammar, if I could write or speak a second language like you do, I would be proud.

[PaigeB]

If you think you might love an alcoholic, check out https://al-anon.org/

What Is Al-Anon and Alateen?
Al‑Anon is a mutual support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking. By sharing common experiences and applying the Al-Anon principles, families and friends of alcoholics can bring positive changes to their individual situations, whether or not the alcoholic admits the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help.

AND

How does Al-Anon work?
There is no magic formula that enables you to help someone stop—or cut back—on his or her drinking. Alcoholism is a complex problem, with many related issues. But Al‑Anon can help you learn how to cope with the challenges of someone else’s drinking.

It may be that you could help matters by changing some of your own behaviors that make things worse. It may be possible for you to find a healthier way to respond to these challenges. Again, there are no easy answers. But Al‑Anon meetings offer the opportunity to learn from the experiences of others who have faced similar problems.

While simple problems may have simple solutions, the solution to complex problems is more difficult to explain. Al‑Anon simplifies a complex problem by suggesting a “One Day at a Time” approach, which takes things one step at a time.

At every Al‑Anon meeting, you can hear people explain how Al‑Anon worked for them. That may be the best place to start to learn about Al‑Anon—One Day at a Time.

Al‑Anon members come to understand problem drinking as a family illness that affects everyone in the family. By listening to Al‑Anon members speak at Al‑Anon meetings, you can hear how they came to understand their own role in this family illness. This insight put them in a better position to play a positive role in the family’s future.

Some research shows that when problem drinkers enter a recovery program, their chances for success are improved when they are supported by family members who are in a family recovery program such as Al‑Anon.

[Lyalya]

Hello,
Brock, you absolutely right, one of his rehabs in the past was for painkillers and alcohol, one -a year before we met was pills, heroine and alcohol, from information I found Vivitrol might be a reason he wasn’t getting dunk, but I’m still learning about it.

Thank you for your and PaigeB advices, I found AL anon group in my district and going there tomorrow.

Is it any rules or basic advices for supporters of people after rehabilitation?

Thank you ones again for your support and for what you’re doing!

[Lyalya]

Hello again!

I’d like ones again thank you for your advices. I’m now attending open A.A. meetings, reading the Big Book and learning a lot about addiction. Relationship with parents are great, with my man everything going just right and everything working out really good.

But I found myself confused about one thing and I came for your advice ones again.

Triggers. Is it a right way to react, when your loved one shares with you at the trigger moment? I am happy that our relationship is open and he trusts me to open up at this uncomfortable for him moment. But.. How to support him right in this situations? For example I’m receiving a message “ I herd (felt, smelled etc.) something and it’s bring me thoughts ( feelings, emotions etc.)” should I response that I’m sorry? For some reason I can’t see it fitting in the situation, yes I’m worried, yes I’m sorry my man is having those uncomfortable feelings, but I feel like it’s gonna make him to feel weak or thoughts that it’s upsetting me... what if he will stop shearing?

Thank you!

[Brock]

I am pleased that things have improved for you and him, thanks for letting us know.

I find it difficult to advise on what to do or say if he reports some sort of feeling to drink or use drugs, we don’t use the word ‘trigger’ generally, it’s more of a rehab word. It’s something we advise people to call their sponsor about, but even then there is a limit as to what a sponsor would be able to do. I say just use common sense, if you two are in a certain place and he says he’s not comfortable there, then suggest leaving, if as in the case you mention like he heard something which upset him, maybe ask if there is anything you can do to help. Basically just being there is support, and he should have learned, or certainly be in the process of learning and doing the steps of recovery, and these steps are what will give him the power to overcome any situation. The steps show the way to a power greater than us, and that power can easily overcome any so called ‘trigger.’

[PaigeB]

Hello again!
...
But I found myself confused about one thing and I came for your advice ones again.

Triggers. Is it a right way to react, when your loved one shares with you at the trigger moment? ...

Thank you!

Hello from Me again! Paige - alcoholic and grateful Alanon. My kids suffer from this disease and I have been to a few Alanon meetings myself!

"Easy Does it." I have to remembr that I gotta do me and they gotta do them. But maybe you can look up good communication skill like "active listening".

Ask if he has talked about these things at the meetings and/or talked to his sponsor or AA friends about it. These things get better for us alcoholics as we Work the 12 Steps. In the meetings we don't do cross talk - we just listen when it is the other's turn to talk. We may nod heads in agreement or laugh if that seems appropriate.

Be assured that whatever you do, he is responsible for what he does.

[Lyalya]

Paige and Brock,

I’m grateful for your advices and support again, thank you!