My wife's drinking is worrying me

[Marens]

Greetings!

My wife and I have recently married this June, before that we have been living together for about 6.5 years. By the time I met my wife, she would recently divorce her former husband and was a heavy wine drinker due to an extremely bad and ugly divorce she had to go through. It is necessary to say, that prior to marrying him, she would never drink and started doing this around the mid and late stages of their marriage, when everything started to fall apart. When we started dating each other, she would consume at least one bottle of wine every two or three days and would of course get drunk. If there was some sort of event or celebration, she would drink much more. In addition to that, my wife has low alcohol resistance, hence, she would become drunk rather quickly and behave herself very aggressively in this condition. At some point I was forced to tell my wife that she had to choose either between me or alcohol, as bearing her abusive behaviour had become simply impossible by that time.

Due to this ultimatum she eventually stopped drinking and started attending AA meetings (which were recommended to her by her pschologist), which actually helped her a lot. For about 2 years she would not drink anything "heavier" than water or juice. However, in 2015 she discovered that her mother was diagnozed with cancer which gave her a lot of stress and anxiety. There was even a moment when she had to enter a mental rehab clinic for a week, since her mother had been living with us and would also behave herself quite inadequately due to cancer, causing constant arguments and quarrels.

Eventually, in summer 2016 my wife drank wine for the first time after almost 2 years of complete soberity. She would not get drunk and the dosage was much smaller compared to her past experiences, but this still was something very troubling to me. Due to those extremely negative memories of her past drinking, I have a constant fear that at some point she might again lose herself to the boose and everything will repeat again: what is worse, is that if there is some kind of a drinking company of new people that we encounter, my wife can never refuse to have a drink, motivating this by questionable argument about "awkwardness" of not drinking when socializing with others. Because of that, I totally hate various events, gatherings or meeting new people as I constantly have to be on high alert. Even though there still has been no single case of my wife getting drunk and acting horribly like she did in the past, I believe that this is indeed a very dangerous game she is playing and that may at some point it can get out of control. Also worth adding is the fact that starting from November we moved to a different country and here my wife started having 2-3 glasses of wine every week (before she would drink this amount of wine every 10 days or 2 weeks, however, she would drink more often when on vacations).

We have a very good and loving marriage, but this issue is constantly getting on my mind and I can't relax because of it. Talking to my wife does not really help, as she believes that she can already control it at this point and that I am being way too intrusive and authoritarian because of this. This could be the case, but considering the fact that my wife actually had a very serious drinking problem not that long ago and that she also has low resistance to the substance, my fears are definetely not baseless. What is worse, is that my wife believes that she HAD a problem in the past and is no longer affected by it. She justifies this claim by saying that most people in her AA group were in the stages, when they would be drinking alcohol-based window cleaners or nealy died from liver cirrhosis and that she was not even close to their condition and can totally control it. When I ask why she needs alcohol (wine) in the first place, she says that it relieves stress and helps her relax + it tastes good to her. This Christmas, using the excuse that it was a "special date", she drank way more than she usually did and nearly got drunk. And even though no abuses, arguments or insults took place, I was still very stressed and tense as she was clearly not in her normal condition. The celebration for me was essentially ruined as it turned into a tiring, bothersome and stressful thing that I wanted to be over ASAP.

Wht should I do in this situation? I truly don't know and feel myself lost. I also can't tell this to any of my or her friends, as they all drink and believe that as long as you don't fall on the floor or squeal like a pig due to intoxication, it is okay and not a big deal at all. Truth is, I can't even meet new interesting people with my wife, as they immediately suggest going to a bar or having wine during the dinner, the drinking culture is omni-present and it depresses me a lot.

[Brock]

Very good that you care enough to ask questions here, and give a detailed account of what is happening. We get this from time to time, concerned family members, and the stock answer seems to be advise them to attend the AA sister group AL-annon. While this is no doubt useful to assist someone in understanding what their pardner is going through, and offers support from others in the same boat, perhaps I can give an opinion on some of the points raised. Keep in mind Al-annon information is just a Google search away, and may help you.

However, in 2015 she discovered that her mother was diagnosed with cancer which gave her a lot of stress and anxiety.

Now, in AA we have some who just go to meetings, and others who get proper advise from a sponsor and do the steps. Generally these steps and practice of the principles they contain, lead to a pretty happy life with built in tools to handle stress and anxiety. I suggest it’s possible your wife didn’t do the steps, and probably through little fault of her own, it might just be lack of other members showing her the ropes.

Even though there still has been no single case of my wife getting drunk and acting horribly like she did in the past, I believe that this is indeed a very dangerous game she is playing and that may at some point it can get out of control.

Maybe so, there is really no way to say. I feel from my own experience, and what our literature says, that the rule of thumb is that a person slips quite quickly, matter of weeks or even days, back into their old pattern. And if they don’t, but are forcing themselves to control their intake, they are very unhappy folks indeed, because it’s a hard thing to do. But our literature does also say that if we had stopped drinking sooner, some of us may well be able to gain control, I will quote the big book - “Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop while there is yet time.” Maybe she is one of these, and found the desire to stop in order to save her marriage.

I am afraid that I believe there is little you can do but hope for the best, we who have embraced the program and found complete relief from the desire to drink, can and do attend parties and such, but I would be a liar to say, that if I could take a couple of drinks to ease the social tension of mixing, especially with folks I just met, that I would not. The ‘acid’ test of alcoholism, is the opposite to someone who can take one or two, that one or two invariably leads to too many.

The best thing is she has been exposed to AA for two years, she knows where to go should she loose control, and knows the people there are friendly folk. I wish you both the best.

[Jojo2]

Greetings!
Due to this ultimatum she eventually stopped drinking and started attending AA meetings (which were recommended to her by her pschologist), which actually helped her a lot. For about 2 years she would not drink anything "heavier" than water or juice.

Eventually, in summer 2016 my wife drank wine for the first time after almost 2 years of complete soberity. She would not get drunk and the dosage was much smaller compared to her past experiences, but . . .
I have a constant fear that at some point she might again lose herself to the boose and everything will repeat again.
Talking to my wife does not really help, as she believes that she can already control it at this point and that I am being way too intrusive and authoritarian because of this.
What is worse, is that my wife believes that she HAD a problem in the past and is no longer affected by it.
What should I do in this situation? I truly don't know and feel myself lost.

Welcome to e-AA, Marens

The person with the drinking problem is often someone we love and care for deeply and watching that person’s life slowly unravel due to poor choices leaves us feeling powerless.
Sadly, there is no magic formula that enables you to help someone stop—or cut back—on his or her drinking.

When she is ready to reach out for help, AA will be there for her. You seem to know something of how the programme works, but you do not mention whether a sponsor was involved or any attempt to work the 12 Step Programme during that initial contact with AA. It does rather sound as though she was listening for the differences rather than the similarities and perhaps not attending because she wanted to be there. Any exchange between a sponsor and sponsee would of course be confidential. One of the attractions of the programme is the 'anonymity' element.

The anonymity of the alcoholic will be protected at all times.

May I suggest your contact for support in coping with someone else's drinking, is with Al-Anon.

Alcoholism is a complex problem, with many related issues, but Al‑Anon can help you learn how to cope with the challenges of someone else’s drinking.

Al-Anon Family Groups is an organisation for the relatives and friends of alcoholics, who share their experience, strength and hope with each other in order to solve their common problems.

Al-Anon has one purpose: to help the families and friends of alcoholics.

Anonymity is an important principle of the Al-Anon programme.

Al-Anon Family Groups hold regular meetings where members share their own experience of living with alcoholism.
Al-Anon does not offer advice or counselling, but members give each other understanding, strength and hope.

For anyone concerned about someone else's drinking, we encourage browsing the Al-Anon website for information about their programme and support.
The following links may be helpful to you in establishing contact and finding a meeting near you.

https://al-anon.org/

There are contact telephone numbers on the site and you may email them at

wso@al-anon.org
Telephone: (757) 563-1600

The UK site also has much helpful information

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Here is one extract from the many personal experiences you will find there;

Al-Anon saved my life and my sanity. The first meeting was strange as I thought they would help me to get him to stop drinking. But I kept going back and learned I had to look at myself in all of this. So yes, things have changed for me since Al-Anon. I am not looking for the things I used to look for. I now look after myself and am calmer and more able to be aware of who I meet and how I behave.

Al-Anon Meetings:
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/fi ... n-meeting/

You are free to ask questions or to talk about your situation at your first meeting.

[ODAAT]

Greetings
Wht should I do in this situation? I truly don't know and feel myself lost. I also can't tell this to any of my or her friends, as they all drink and believe that as long as you don't fall on the floor or squeal like a pig due to intoxication, it is okay and not a big deal at all. Truth is, I can't even meet new interesting people with my wife, as they immediately suggest going to a bar or having wine during the dinner, the drinking culture is omni-present and it depresses me a lot.

Making contact with Al-anon would be a good thing to do. You need help in dealing with your situation and we who are alcoholics cannot naturally and in an unbiased manner help a non-alcoholic deal with his/her alcoholic spouse.

Al-anon is designed specifically to help you with your depression and other reactions.

As to what your spouse can do, she is very welcome to join this forum herself. People with her problem seek and receive help frequently. We can help her-because we have the same problem-alcoholism. Maybe point her in our direction....

Best of luck.

[tomsteve]

it reads like the person with the problem of her drinking isnt her but you, so another vote for al anon for ya. it helped me tremendously- NOT to get the alcoholic in my life sober but to help me learn how to set boundaries and a learn even more about myself.

[ODAAT]

Now, in AA we have some who just go to meetings, and others who get proper advise from a sponsor and do the steps.

It's "either or?" Are you suggesting there are but two paths within AA?

[Brock]

It's "either or?" Are you suggesting there are but two paths within AA?

No, but these are the main two I see in my area, the ‘meeting makers make it’ folks, and others who do the work, and make meetings principally to assist others.