He broke up with me to focus on his sobriety

[hurtandsad]

I've deleted my question in fear that someone he knows may read this and tell him about it. Thank you for all your assistance here.

[Reborn]

Tough situation...this is easier said than done but try not to over think this. It is very difficult for alcoholics in early sobriety...emotions are all over the place and we don't really know what we want. If you are meant to be together then it will be so. Everything happens for a reason and you have to know that he is doing this for himself...has nothing to do with you. I would suggest going to Alanon...you could get some clarity and meet some people in your situation.

[Niagara]

Hey there

He's right when he says this is life and death. It absolutely is......do it or die. I'm a year sober, which feels like a lot to me...but I'm under no illusion that I am well. Years of sickness takes years to reverse...I have a long long way to go - and so it will be with him. Recovery is a lifetime process. It never stops, and the first few years are where I have to get better habits ingrained. Could I maintain a new relationship AND do what I need to be doing in AA? Nope. Because I'm still not right in my head. I will focus on anything that makes me feel better, where I should be focusing on building a reliance on a higher power. God, in my case. Quick fixer, I am. Did it all my life. New relationship, new clothes, new house, new baby, ad infinitum. Quick fixing in my case just won't do the job. Some worked temporarily, but I have to go deeper these days. Much, much deeper.

I would second the suggestion of Alanon - and perhaps ask yourself why you accept so easily the following behaviour

A month later, One night, he went and got high, OD'd, crashed his car and ended up in the Hospital ( he was ok...but lost his car and got kicked out of his sober house -he's since moved to another)

I understand that you love him, but I reckon to most people, they would be thinking about getting the heck out of dodge having seen this happen. The fact that you aren't running a mile suggests that alanon may be of service to you. I met during my single days a really nice guy. He saw me drunk as a skunk only once....we were getting on great, but he KNEW that my behaviour was unacceptable and he walked. He wasn't putting up with any of that crap. Good on him...I could have learned a lot from that guy, I think. In contrast, my soon to be ex husband tolerated it all, patted me on the back, accepted endless apologies and bad behaviour and all that did was let me off the hook....and boy do I love that. Does me no favours though. Sometimes we need people to stand up to us, not forgive us over and over again no matter how bad we get (or how bad it gets for them)

Without recovery, the above (and likely worse...this disease is progressive) will become a permanent fixture.

It's impossible to say what he will/won't do in the future, but be aware this game is brutal. Not all of us make it. Many of us leave mass destruction in our wake. Don't want to. Don't mean to. Without recovery we can't help it. Just putting the drink down does not = recovery.....without the drink (dry drunk, no steps) I was an emotional time bomb. And mood swinging??? Early in the morning, I'd be planning to do such and such with the rest of my life, on cloud nine, loving life......by dinner time, the whole world hates me, I'm going to go and eat worms because I'm worthless anyway, and I'd be sitting twitching in a corner hatching a diabolical plan about how I'm going to rule the world (when I can't even decide what to cook for dinner)

Before you give your life to this guy (even through your thoughts), learn what it is you're dealing with. I've met some great people in sobriety...and some not so great people. Now I'm not saying 'stay away at all costs', simply, educate yourself. He's not long sober if I read your post right and this program takes time to get us well. That doesn't necessarily mean he's an awful person, but he isn't well. The obsession is removed quickly via the steps if done thoroughly, but that doesn't mean we're well (or cured....we're never cured) or as the big book says

The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others.

. That's a fair statement. Never more so than when I'd simply stopped drinking.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best.

[johnd]

Hi hurtandsad,
I know all too well what you are going through. I can assure you he is feeling the loneliness and the frustration as much if not more than you are.
I have been sober for quite awhile and I agree with what Niagara had just posted.. He has to clear his mind and emotions right now. My experience was when I was about 1 1/2 years sober I had begun dating a girl that wasn't an alcoholic. She was a very nice girl but for me it was a near fatal attraction.. My mind and emotions were so scattered that I actually felt I was obsessing as if I had been drinking it was plain crazy. I just couldn't relax around her or away from her.
What I had learned was I was still mentally and emotionally immature. I still behaved like a teenager in an adult situation. Reason was because of my drinking at such a young age I never matured or even developed any social skills that were adequate in a relationship. My relationships consisted of girls who drank like I did and pretty much that was enough for me. I settled for less and less while under the influence of alcohol.. Alcohol had become my decision maker as to whom I date or who I don't. One girl I had hoped would of stuck with me told me that I drank way too much and I should slow down or stop altogether. I chose to continue to drink while she got on with her life. Sad but I am glad she had the sense of living as opposed to watching someone going nowhere and killing himself to get there.

So do please check out Ala-non.. You will come to understand why we as alcoholics do some of the crazy things we do. And it will give you peace of mind..
I wish you well take care John D.

[Lali]

I am glad you haven't pushed a relationship on him as it would be detrimental to his program. Give him the gift of space and try to move on without him. The incident where he got high and crashed his car should be a big eye opener for you. Now he has to start over at day 1.

As John said, if it is meant to happen it will. But I wouldn't wait for it. Get busy. You will get over this, dear, and there will be other men.

[hurtandsad]

...

[Niagara]

Should I go to Al-non even though we're not together and he may not date me again? And do I go and say yea i'm not currently with an AA member, but I still need help? I'd feel almost foolish attending.

It can't hurt to go...you have been affected by alcoholism after all. You never know what you're going to learn. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend who is alanon/coda and it's quite amazing really how his behaviours/thought processes and mine are scarily similar, yet he is not an alcoholic.

And why does AA instill giving up on a relationship?

It doesn't as such, but like I said in my early post, we are not well people. This IS life or death for us, and my first year has been real tough emotionally. I've had to look at and absorb a lot of truth about myself, and boy has my perspective changed. Everything I thought I knew got flipped on it's head. Although the AA program in itself doesn't instill giving up on a relationship, I think there's a lot of wisdom behind the advice. That's my perspective as an alcoholic in recovery. I cannot afford to get sidetracked. Anything I put in front of my recovery, I stand to lose anyway. I also know from past experience that I will turn to anything to make me feel better. I was a big one for liking the attention of the opposite sex as a 'quick fix'. An ego boost. This is the kind of thing that recovery is helping me to deal with. Booze is just a symptom of a bigger problem. Why do I turn to outside stuff to fix me? Alcohol primarily, but lots of other things too, over the years.

Seems while some of you were positive, none of you besides the first response believe or turn to love or that it can be part of recovery? Wouldn't he want someone there for him to support him through this challenge and life of staying sober?

Hmmm. I think it can be a reward of recovery, rather than a part of. One thing I learned pretty fast in this program is that although I would say I loved people (and even believed it) my actions said totally different. I didn't know HOW to love. I couldn't even love and respect myself. Whilst I am in that state, I'm never going to be a loving partner. Selfish and self centered were my motives.....that's not a great basis for a successful relationship. Hurt people, hurt people. The aim of the AA program is to build a dependence, if you will on God (or higher power as many use), rather than other people. If I'm busy being dependent on others for my happiness, I'm never going to get it, and then I get resentful at them for not making me happy. Trouble there is, I'm a creature of more. Nothing is ever enough. No person on this earth can fulfill me, if I'm spiritually unwell. I could be with the best guy in the world, and if I'm not well in this program, I'd suck him dry and still want more. It's always great at the beginning. Quick fix..and then it starts to come unglued. If, however, I'm spiritually well, I'm on better footing to offer love in a relationship for the right reasons, and not be depending on that person to fix me, because I'm already full. If your boyfriend is recently off a drink/drugs, isn't working this program every day, he's not spiritually well.

I guess i'd want someone to stick with me and to be there for me. But i'm not an addict, so I can't relate.

Perhaps he understands that as he is at the moment, he would only hurt you, and maybe he realizes that this is no game, and he has a long way to go? I can't answer that question for him. I would LOVE someone to stick around and be there for me (sadly my husband left when I got well) but it's absolutely not what I need. It never fixed me in the past, and it won't fix me now. The only thing that can fix me, and the only thing I should be reliant upon, is God.

He says he needs to stay alive for himself and his daughter. Why not stay alive for himself, his daughter AND his girlfriend?

Staying alive is the tip of the iceberg. This is life changing stuff. He needs to focus on this as much, if not more than he ever focused on his addiction. If he spends time focusing on his relationship with you, it could be his downfall. Alcoholism is fatal. This is serious business. It's not just about stopping drinking....Spammer misconception, and one that I carried too.

I understand that you feel hurt, I think I likely would too, but this is life and death. Be thankful, if you love him that he's choosing recovery right now. His next drinking/drugging session might well kill him, or someone else....and nobody wants that.

If you're hesitant to have a look at alanon, Coda (you'll have to google coda co dependency) might also be of use to you.

Best wishes

[hurtandsad]

Thank you Niagiara. Alot of this is now making much more sense. You have hit home with alot of your thoughts. Thank you!

[Lali]

Think about it: It is just as easy to fall in love with a non-alcoholic as to fall in love with an alcoholic. So which should you choose?

[Shana]

Hi,
I too am/was dating an alcoholic for 3 years, supported helped and went through the many attempts at recovery until this last time. Which he was in 4 months, then got out only to break up with me. At first his reason was to focus on his recovery, which I said, ok, even tho it was painful, then he said no contact what so ever. So some time had gone by I txt to check in see how he was as I missed him dearly. Only to discover he is interested in someone, who I think he met in rehab. So, is this typical? And does it mean he's really not focusing on sobriety even tho he claims he's active in meetings etc. I'm totally confused as his behavior was out of no where. He has been very mean about it refuses to see me, talk , or txt.
Can anyone relate? And what did you do?

[PaigeB]

Hi. Sorry about the break-up. I think that when I found freedom from alcohol I DID experience a new Love of Life. Call it a pink cloud. I think that is what makes treatment/early recovery relationships kind of typical. And falling OFF that cloud hurts like hell. That can make an alcoholic mean. It can make them drink again too... There is no reality in the pink cloud, and lots of folks have a stutter step or two trying to figure out how to regain that pink cloud until they get it through their mind that regular sobriety brings its own rewards and that is where 99% of us live 99% of the time.

That being said, sometimes breakups are for real and maybe it is time for you to move on. I would not wait for a man to come to his senses, lol. Perhaps you will get some peace and serenity for yourself through our sister program of Alanon. It is for helping the friends and family of the alcoholic - help them understand the disease and find their own way through recovery. Being in close contact with an alcoholic for a long period makes everyone sick to some extent! Alanon will know how to help. https://al-anon.org/

[Blue Moon]

I've deleted my question in fear that someone he knows may read this and tell him about it. Thank you for all your assistance here.

Perhaps you need to work on your fears, no matter what he does. Alanon could help.

[Blue Moon]

he is interested in someone, who I think he met in rehab. So, is this typical?

It's not unusual. Nothing to do with AA as such, because AA don't run any rehabs.

And does it mean he's really not focusing on sobriety even tho he claims he's active in meetings etc. I'm totally confused as his behavior was out of no where. He has been very mean about it refuses to see me, talk , or txt.

The fact that he's in a different relationship means that he's in a different relationship. The fact that he's being mean, refusing to talk etc. implies that he's perhaps not as focused as he thinks. It's also possible that his new partner is pulling some strings. It's been said that "alcoholics don't have relationships, they take prisoners".

Can anyone relate? And what did you do?

I don't relate to the rehab problem, as I never went. Regular relationship-breakup rules apply: no contact, avoid social media etc., keep really busy, do lots of things that you like to do.

So no, I wouldn't hold my breath for him to come to his senses any time soon. If he does, fine, but something would have to change for that to happen.

[slide9595]

Personally, I have grown up with all kinds of addicts, and I have learned never to trust them. Once bitten, twice shy. I would not want the drama of being in a relationship with an addict, and would probably be afraid to get into one with someone who was in recovery.

[Brock]

...would probably be afraid to get into one with someone who was in recovery.

Welcome here slide, fair comment. But we should consider that those who do the programs of recovery, and consider themselves recovered, as our literature says we will be, and no longer 'in recovery,' follow certain principles as a way of life. These are based on things like honesty, and I would sooner trust a recovered alcoholic with anything, than I would a so called ‘normal’ person.