resentment

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katrine
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resentment

Post by katrine »

. ...;;;;
Hi I'm helen and new to this site, I am a recovering alcoholic sober now 12yrs and been in AA 12 yrs too , My life has been amazing since being sober until now, my partner and his mother came to live with me about 18 months ago don't get me wrong i love it worked out well we share all the bills, and i have even become his mums career which is brilliant extra cash for me as i cant claim any support as have got money in the bank due to my mother passing 2 yrs ago, so all is good, he cooks all our meals and my partner is such a loving kind person to me and his mum and generally i very nice chap but doesn't have any friends only been him and his mum for years not use to kids at all never had any of his own .,
I have 2 sons with my ex husband and they have always come and gone into my flat(which i moved to after parting from my husband on my own as my kids were grown up and had their own lives ) My sons have always treated it like their 2nd home which i don't mind at all always glad to see them , they both have houses and partners of their own now , but my partner resents my kids coming to our flat he will not speak to the youngest one especially he completely ignores him and is down right ignorant in fact, now i am starting to get resentments against my partner because of his attitude which i know is not good for me . My youngest is a recovering alcoholic like me, only been sober since May after long stay in hospital and nearly died thru drink he needs help and support, he does go to a AA but hasn't found a sponcer as yet and just started going to a treatment center this week, i do try and spocer him for now, but out walking as when my son comes in our flat i feel so uneasy and stressed when he's there because of my partner and feel really unconfutable in my own flat which is bad . My son don't say anything that my partner don't talk or answer him , but i can feel the tension and the atmosphere you can cut with a knife my partners mum is 95 and in the back room so she doesn't see it, when my son comes in i rush to get out from the flat ,,I have tried talking to my partner about his resentment over my son he just wont talk about it and then we don't speak for a few days , i have spoken to my sponcer of this and she said to pray which i have and still doing, for months now any body been in this situation or similar can give me any advice with this dilemma ..
Thanks Helen xx
MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: resentment

Post by MyNameIsBetsy »

Moved topic to the Discussion forum. Welcome, katrine. Welcome to our online discussion forum.

Betsy
an alcoholic
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: resentment

Post by MyNameIsBetsy »

Hi Katrine, welcome.

I've read through your posting a couple of times, wondering if I had anything to offer. You've been sober, in the rooms for 12 years, and have a sponsor. You speak the language and know how bad resentments can be for us.

Other than what your sponsor suggests, I only have two suggestions.
  • 1 - it's usually not a good idea to be your son's sponsor, not even temporarily. He has to find his own way, as we all must do.
  • 2 - sit down with your partner and have an open, honest, calm discussion. Get it all out in the open. The 11th step prayer is a wonderful prayer to guide us in these difficult adult discussions.
Betsy
an alcoholic
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
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Layne
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Re: resentment

Post by Layne »

Hi Helen, welcome to the forums.

My home is my sanctuary. My safe zone. I love my step kids with all my heart. After 30+ years they are my kids without a doubt. They are welcome in our home any time, but I wouldn't want them to consider it their second home; any more than I would consider their homes as my second home. I am welcome in their homes at any time, but it is important to remember and to respect their sanctuaries.

The same applies to my blood family, and they definitely need to respect my partner's (wife) sanctuary.

I realize that it is a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you as I realize you are being pulled in different directions, all at the same time. At times like this, my fallback mantra and go to source is the serenity prayer.
katrine
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Re: resentment

Post by katrine »

:)
MyNameIsBetsy wrote: Thu Sep 16, 2021 7:51 pm Hi Katrine, welcome.

I've read through your posting a couple of times, wondering if I had anything to offer. You've been sober, in the rooms for 12 years, and have a sponsor. You speak the language and know how bad resentments can be for us.

Other than what your sponsor suggests, I only have two suggestions.
  • 1 - it's usually not a good idea to be your son's sponsor, not even temporarily. He has to find his own way, as we all must do.
  • 2 - sit down with your partner and have an open, honest, calm discussion. Get it all out in the open. The 11th step prayer is a wonderful prayer to guide us in these difficult adult discussions.
Betsy
an alcoholic
Thanks for advice Betsy, my son has now found a sponcer , but my partner refuses point blank to discuss this issue,i have tried a few times to no avail even thought it could be jealousy :| i will do the 11th step prayer daily thanks Helen x
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PaigeB
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Re: resentment

Post by PaigeB »

katrine wrote: Thu Sep 16, 2021 2:10 am ..... not use to kids at all never had any of his own .,
I have 2 sons with my ex husband and they have always come and gone into my flat(which i moved to after parting from my husband on my own as my kids were grown up and had their own lives ) My sons have always treated it like their 2nd home which i don't mind at all always glad to see them , they both have houses and partners of their own now , but my partner resents my kids coming to our flat he will not speak to the youngest one especially he completely ignores him and is down right ignorant in fact, now i am starting to get resentments against my partner because of his attitude which i know is not good for me .
Thanks Helen xx
Hi Helen! I have also been in AA for 12 years! August 1, 2009 is my sobriety date.

I also have 2 grown sons, both alkies, and a loving husband who never had kids of his own. He even adopted my youngest one after he turned 18 and could consent without his birth father being involved. However things have gone bad over and over with the youngest and my hubby's resentments show and I came to resent HIM. Crazy close situations that you and I are in!

SO! My sponsor had me do a focused walk through the Steps again. Back to 1, 2 & 3 with full awareness - I am powerless over my family. Then a complete 4th Step on my Husband & Son... (I had to add a friend there too because she had opinions and I got resentments!) So this weekend is my homegroup's annual Retreat and I will do my 5th Step with my sponsor. Then I will carry on through the Steps with this situation. I have gotten some freedom and some peace (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) even after doing the 4th Step and seeing where I was selfish, self seeking, dishonest & frightened (page 67). I took a good look at how I REACT leaving them and their actions completely out of the picture (not easy). It really really helped. I hope you USE the Steps ACTIVELY. I hope you found some peace like I have found.

Much Love,
Paige
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
katrine
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Re: resentment

Post by katrine »

Thanks Paige for your advice i have been looking into your suggestions and is a good idea to do as you have done and go and do the 12 step programme again the first 5 steps which i will discuss with my sponcer as soon as possible,
thanks again x
Mike O
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Location: UK

Re: resentment

Post by Mike O »

Hi Helen,

Welcome here 😁

I’ve done many a 4th and 5th over the years about my step-kids. It works.
😁
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