I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

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MrAMD123
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I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by MrAMD123 »

It seems I've known I've had a problem with drugs and alcohol since my teens. I'm 36 now and I really need to stop drinking. I have two kids that need me to be sober. My wife drinks wine most nights and my brother in law has been staying with us and drinks beer a lot. When I ask people to not drink around me the response seems to be " it's not my fault you drink too much" . I know I cant completely avoid alcohol in the world, but do I really have to have it in my home everyday?
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Brock
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by Brock »

Welcome here, thanks for the question.

Alcoholics I have heard speak about this subject, do not mind people in our home drinking moderately, which is something we can’t do. But this is usually after we do the steps and ‘recover,’ it’s a bit selfish of them to continue in front of you, if you are serious about recovering. But to show them you are serious is more than just saying I have stopped, because we all have tried that, and if you are what our literature describes as a ‘real’ alcoholic, it does not work for very long. We need help, that is why we have gone to AA. If you look at this post -https://www.e-aa.org/forum/viewtopic.ph ... 71#p167304 you will see the experience of one of our members.

I will put links to other AA information, and hopefully others may offer a word or two of advise as well.

Is A.A. For You – 12 Questions.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

A Brief Guide To AA.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-42_abriefguidetoaa.pdf

Three Chapters From The Big Book-

1.The Doctors Opinion.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

2.There Is A Solution.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

3.More About Alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

A.A. Meeting Finder.
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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avaneesh912
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by avaneesh912 »

Unfortunately this is a very difficult situation. You may want to request them to drink when you are not there or in some other room. Eventually after working the steps, you can experience the promises.

The book says: We will be placed in a position of neutrality. That means you can be around alcohol but you would have been restored to sanity.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
Indianapolis
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by Indianapolis »

I've posted here on this before, but my wife continues to drink. I'm 6 mo sober. When I came out of rehab, we set the boundary that she wouldn't drink in front of me. When she wants to drink, one of us goes upstairs and the other stays downstairs and the evening ends.

That said, last night we went out to dinner, and I had no problem with her having a cocktail or two. I had a non-alcoholic "mock-tail" that the bartender put together that was actually quite good. We came home, hung out for a bit, and then she went upstairs to her wine.

She was clear when I went to rehab -- she's not quitting. My alcoholism is not her disease, and she shouldn't have to stop because I am. And I agree with that. But the boundary helped me stay sober early and now is actually really helping our relationship -- the truth is, we don't communicate well (and fight often) when there's alcohol in the mix. So having sober time and then separating when she wants to drink has actually made our marriage much better.

And the other people are right -- as you get more sober time, you can be around it more. I'm a musician, and took the first three months off of playing bars. But, then I started to be able to go back out to play at bars, and now have no problem being in a bar drinking diet coke playing music. It just doesn't stress me anymore, but I did need some "relief" from it at the start.
MrAMD123
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by MrAMD123 »

Thanks you for the replies. I do understand that just because someone is drinking around me doesn't mean I have to. I just need some support. I've tried to quit many times and have been unsuccessful. I try to go to meetings, but life is very busy and my wife sees it as a burden. I see getting blackout drunk and doing the stupidest things possible as a burden. I know I need to find a sponsor and actually work the steps for this stuff to work, but I still feel very uncomfortable in meetings.
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PaigeB
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by PaigeB »

MrAMD123 wrote: Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:30 pm Thanks you for the replies. I do understand that just because someone is drinking around me doesn't mean I have to. I just need some support. I've tried to quit many times and have been unsuccessful. I try to go to meetings, but life is very busy and my wife sees it as a burden. I see getting blackout drunk and doing the stupidest things possible as a burden. I know I need to find a sponsor and actually work the steps for this stuff to work, but I still feel very uncomfortable in meetings.
E-aa offers a temporary sponsor program via email.
http://e-aa.org/help.php
And an email meeting as well
http://e-aa.org/maillist.html
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
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avaneesh912
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by avaneesh912 »

I try to go to meetings, but life is very busy and my wife sees it as a burden.
They will do all the gimmicks to pull you in hole. We need to be bit selfish here. If you live in a area where there are noon meetings you can try that too. Wife threw a fit and my 2nd and 3rd year of sobriety most of the meetings were noon meetings. It was so convenient, there was a meeting round the corner from the office location.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
Indianapolis
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by Indianapolis »

MrAMD123 wrote: Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:30 pm I try to go to meetings, but life is very busy and my wife sees it as a burden. I see getting blackout drunk and doing the stupidest things possible as a burden.
Yep. I feel you here. My wife saw it as a burden for the first month or so until I recast it all as "something I was doing for us and our family" after which she suddenly was neutral to even slightly supportive. I do all morning (7 am) or noon meetings so it doesn't take up her time. Shes come around a bit more as I started doing more around the house, etc. Took some time to show her it had benefit for her.

I feel you man. Stay strong.
MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by MyNameIsBetsy »

I know I need to find a sponsor and actually work the steps for this stuff to work, but I still feel very uncomfortable in meetings.
Hi Mr AMD, welcome,

I don't think any of us felt comfortable at first in meetings. I know I didn't. But I went because I knew it was necessary. Eventually, I calmed down and got to know the people in the rooms.

So, that is my suggestion for you . . . go anyway. Even if you are uncomfortable. Look at it as an investment in your sobriety. Think of it as your life is on the line . . . because it is!

Betsy, an alcoholic
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
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Brock
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by Brock »

Welcome here Maureens, (the post by Maureens has been deleted, the point she made was about all heavy drinkers not being alcoholic), the point you make is something I find people tend to get annoyed about in AA. If we quote from the book and say ‘maybe you should try some more controlled drinking, or if you are unsure step over to the nearest barroom etc,’ we often get well meaning folks saying we are putting people off. But as you say not every drinker is an alcoholic, and the big book goes to great extents to differentiate between the hard drinker and the alcoholic.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
tomsteve
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by tomsteve »

MrAMD123 wrote: Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:30 pm I try to go to meetings, but life is very busy and my wife sees it as a burden.
isnt it wild how some people wont think how their actions (drinking) are a burden,then when other people do what helps them(goto meetings)their actions are a burden.
tomsteve
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by tomsteve »

Doctors need more than a rubric to diagnose alcoholism. A lot of people who drink end up getting drunk more often than they intended. Many people regret what they do or say when they drink. But that doesn’t mean they have the disease called alcoholism
doctors can diagnose all they want however they do it. doesnt matter how exact a diagnosis is,its been proven time and time again that many wont stop drinking because of that diagnosis.
funny thing about that word 'disease" that is attached to alcoholism as AA says it is. MANY people dont even know what AA is referring to when it says its a disease. the BB of AA uses the word once. when it does it is referring to the spiritual disease, which people without alcoholism also suffer from.
now, another word for disease is malady. which the BB uses a few times. even then it is referring to the spiritual malady.
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Layne
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Re: I don't want to be around alcohol but it seems impossible

Post by Layne »

I try to go to meetings, but life is very busy and my wife sees it as a burden
Does your wife see your drinking as a burden?

I have a medical issue going on at the moment for which I am going to get medical attention today. Depending upon the outcome of my doctor visit, it could be a burden in the future because my wife has an auto immune disease which means she is sheltering in place and that I take care of all out of home essential business for the both of us. My wife is only concerned that I get better and recover, no matter how inconvenient it might become at times.

I feel blessed to have a wife that loves me unconditionally. She is even going with me today (her first time away from home in over a month) in case they give me drugs that would impair my ability to drive or in case the outcome requires hospitalization. Doing so will increase her risks, but their is no hesitation on her part. No burden, no strings attached, only love. Without my recovery from alcoholism, the scenario would probably be entirely different.
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