Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

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ernstfortin
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Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by ernstfortin »

Husband sober 90 days, was in rehab 60 and left early to come home he says due to Covid 19 concerns. He was unfaithful many times with different women, especially one old girlfriend he would spend night with when he went to his home state to visit his parents. He hasn't admitted adultery, but I found written admissions in his paperwork and I knew in my gut. I saw text conversations/relationships with 3 women in 3 different cities asking them to go out to dinner with him when he'd be in town. Often he would be out of touch all night. At his parents, he said he couldn't get reception, though I and his parents and others could. He has simply said it was nothing just flirty and doesn't know I have proof of the girlfriend. I believe he has stopped drinking (not his first attempt nor his first medical detox) and wants to stay sober. He comes from abusive alcoholic home (I don't). I just don't trust him. I have no reason to. I feel like as long as he doesn't come clean, how can I believe he won't keep doing it. He seems to be following AA's Big Book suggestion to not tell. But guys, I already know this. It was so obvious with him hiding the phone and the text conversations. He says he will do it when he gets to the amends step and is on step 6. I don't think he'll come clean. Our 3 year marriage (together 6) has been pretty horrible with the drinking, women and narcissistic emotional abuse/manipulation you'd expect from someone who was abused who is an alcoholic. He's trying. I'm 51. Do I cut bait so I can find a normal person I can trust, or keep hanging on to see what happens waiting for him to cheat again. He cheated on his first wives. I'm marriage #4. i don't see how I'll ever feel good about him visiting his grandkids which he likes to do every month, or traveling for work, which he used to do weekly prior to COVID/rehab. I don't want to go there monthly. His family is dysfunctional and doesn't want to invest in a relationship because they don't think I'll last.
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Brock
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Re: Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by Brock »

We are here really to assist those who are trying to stay sober, but this sort of question comes up from time to time, and we can give our opinion. I will try to do that on a couple of subjects you mentioned.
He says he will do it when he gets to the amends step and is on step 6. I don't think he'll come clean.
He should be on 8 & 9 the amends steps pretty soon, at that stage if he does not come clean, he may as you hinted be trying to not hurt you with the worse stuff, then you can say you are pretty sure about X and Y affairs anyway, so don’t hold back to spare my feelings. The other thing is we have something called ‘living amends,’ I never told my wife sorry, she had heard that before, but she noticed the change in my behavior. As we recover we stop being selfish, and become more thoughtful of other peoples needs and feelings, if he is on the right path you will see the change for the better.
He was unfaithful many times with different women…
Here I can only speak from personal experience, although I have also heard friends in AA say similar things. Once we take AA seriously and do the steps, it kind of makes drinking way less fun if we try going back to it. And flirting and ‘getting lucky’ was for me part of the fun, these things don’t hold the same attraction when we are sober. I have been sober over ten years and still like looking at ‘hot’ ladies, will until I am six feet under, but since I am sober I haven’t done more than look, and have no intention to, it’s a different way of life.

Basically, I feel you have held on for so long, maybe you should give him a while longer, don’t want to put a time limit on it, but if he is on 6 now, you should be seeing changes within a matter of a few months. If you don’t, or find out he is drinking again, then I guess the plan B, of finding someone who deserves your love, would be the best choice.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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PaigeB
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Re: Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by PaigeB »

ernstfortin wrote: Wed Apr 29, 2020 9:13 am I found written admissions in his paperwork and I knew in my gut.
I wrote on the outside of my Journal: For those whose eyes dare to partake, will surely feel the bite of the snake.

Maybe you already know too much. You did look at private paperwork - which is like riding a bike without a helmet.

Go to Alanon and see if they can help you understand the amends process. It is about repairing relationships without harming ANYONE else, including the women he had affairs with... and YOU. Telling you these things would be harmful to you in my opinion. Amends would might simply mean not having any affairs moving forward.

You can't expect him to fix you - and knowing stuff obviously IS NOT the answer... now you know more and you feel worse! Woman to woman? I might have considered leaving the womanizer a year ago. Now I have to consider setting aside what he may or may not have done and decide how best I NEED to move forward.

Find some women near you who will understand exactly where you are. There are all sorts of ways to safely contact. https://al-anon.org/
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
ernstfortin
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Re: Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by ernstfortin »

I can't tell you how much I appreciate feedback that is more than "go to alanon." I've been to dozens of meetings. I've read over ten of their books. I've done the rehab workbook in detail. I've journalled. I've talked to neutral people about it. I'm looking for feedback more personal to my situation that go to alanon at this point. I'm not saying it isn't a good suggestion. I'm aware of that option, have done it, may continue to do it, but it's not what I'm looking for here. I think my biggest problem is that he travels for work and will continue to travel by himself to the town where his regular girlfriend lives. He is a serial lifelong cheater in all his prior relationships including his with me. I don't want to always wonder if he's cheating on me or will. I want a husband who loves and cherishes me, wants to only be with me.
ernstfortin
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Re: Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by ernstfortin »

Here's another question maybe some can help me with. Why do I continue to stay? What is wrong with me that I believed all his lies so long and hung on despite all the circumstantial evidence? And why now?
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shangc1107
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Re: Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by shangc1107 »

Hi Ernstfortin,
Reading your story, I can really identify with your emotions. I can smile a bit too. I’m a double winner—I qualify for al-anon and alcoholics anonymous. It felt so much like my husband’s problems were my problems. When I heard anything different, it just didn’t make sense! The bottom line is that my husband has a higher power and it isn’t me—when I stopped trying to be his higher power, things got a lot easier. It was amazing and awkward, because I had lived so long believing that I knew what needed to be done and how it should be done…or at least a better idea than my husband did!

I encourage you to work the steps with an Al-Anon sponsor for yourself—not your marriage. If you’ve done them, try again, and do it for just you. I think it’s really brave to get on here and share where you’re at and ask for help. I know the desperation and the frustration that comes with it. Glad you shared!
"The heart of wisdom is tolerance."
Steven Erikson
tomsteve
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Re: Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by tomsteve »

ernstfortin wrote: Thu Apr 30, 2020 7:11 am Why do I continue to stay? What is wrong with me that I believed all his lies so long and hung on despite all the circumstantial evidence? And why now?
i suggest the book,"codependant no more."
also ,more than just goto alanon= work their steps.
you will find the answer to your question by doing that.
fears, insecurities,low self esteem- they were controlling me for a long time.

why now?
hopefully because youve decided youve had enough pain. finally out of denial
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Layne
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Re: Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by Layne »

Why do I continue to stay? What is wrong with me that I believed all his lies so long and hung on despite all the circumstantial evidence? And why now?
Replace "his" with "alcohol" and it could have been me posting about my relationship with booze. The reasons were because of fear, denial. low self esteem, avoidance, etc. I found my answers and solution in a 12 step recovery program. There are many 12 step recovery programs out there besides AA and that have a focus other than personal alcoholism. Some examples and possible good starting points for you are Al Anon and CoDa.

On the last question of why now? For me, it was because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Find and join a recovery community that is geared to you. Focus on yourself and do the work. You deserve the rewards that come from doing so.
LotoLeto
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Re: Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by LotoLeto »

It's horrible, I don't understand why you still live with him.
Molgzonor
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Re: Cheating Husband Sober 60 Days Lying About Affairs

Post by Molgzonor »

ernstfortin wrote: Wed Apr 29, 2020 9:13 am Do I cut bait so I can find a normal person I can trust,
You probably meant that rhetorically, but I'm an asshole enough to point out that you'd also have to be a normal person whatever that is. On top of the 4 marriage thing, how many other massive red flags that an emotionally complete person would have hung up on long before things led to marriage did you gloss over, and what in you allowed you to go forward living in a fantasy world?

In the court of Ryan(me) over which I(most humbly) preside, I find you likely had no reasonable grounds for demanding trustworthyness from him to begin with and have yourself to be sore at.

If he's serious, the infidelity thing will most definitely be addressed. The Big Book 'suggestion' is out of place and context as you applied it. He's probably not near the capacity for honesty yet to properly address these things other than in a very general sense and this is a process. A long and hard one. Everything about this is up in the air, it will be a long, hard road for either of you no matter what decisions are made.

I wish -both- of you well whether you are able to travel this road together or separate. You may one day be each other's greatest asset and your experiences an asset to many others, but that would certainly take 2.
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