Can’t be honest to my sponser

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
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positrac
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

Post by positrac »

2 months sober is an accomplishment and if you look on the back of your chip from AA it says: To Thy Own Self Be True! This means you first and if you can learn this part in a manner that isn't being a selfish person then you can achieve life long sobriety. If you can't confess what is on your mind then resentments occur and you have a positive chance of getting drunk.

Speak up and find another lady to give you sponsorship and don't burn that bridge because resentments and making additional amends aren't helpful.

Just keep coming back it reallhy does work if we work it.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
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D'oh
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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I think the daily call started as a way for me to check in with her. Now though its just my sponsor telling me about her day, her dog walks etc. It really isn't helping me. During these calls the only time I get to speak is if interrupt her, then I just feel rude so I just hurry through the call so I can get off.
Sorry for answering late, I did read your post this morning. Short a Swwet answer is "You have been Sober 2 Months!!!!!" What ever is happening, is Happening.

Today you might nor understand a Dog Walking Speach, but somewhere down the road it might become Obvisous. "HOW" is "Honesty,Open Mind, and Willingness". I think if you have all of those things, and your Sponsor still isn't connecting, then sure, Find another Sponsor. If you are Missing one of the 'Hows" then it's time to find it.
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avaneesh912
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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THERE IS A LOT before the 4th Step that one could use a sponsor for...
We can start a separate thread if you would like. A desperate person like the drowning analogy the book uses, we give them the right understanding of the state they are in, they readily accept the concept and get willing quickly. Those who arent fade. Thats my strategy. No "tests" to test their willingness bull. We spend a good amount time explaining the powerlessness and unmanageability and bring them to a point where they are absolutely convinced the only way out is this.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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PaigeB
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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We don't need to start a new thread. I changed sponsors in the first few months of sobriety and I think my experience is relevant to the OP. I hear your opinion but what is your experience with Steps 1-5?
avaneesh912 wrote: Mon Apr 12, 2021 5:16 am
THERE IS A LOT before the 4th Step that one could use a sponsor for...
We can start a separate thread if you would like. A desperate person like the drowning analogy the book uses, we give them the right understanding of the state they are in, they readily accept the concept and get willing quickly. Those who arent fade. Thats my strategy. No "tests" to test their willingness bull. We spend a good amount time explaining the powerlessness and unmanageability and bring them to a point where they are absolutely convinced the only way out is this.
No "tests" to test their willingness bull. - ABSOLUTELY
we give them the right understanding... - ABSOLUTELY

OK. So what you are saying is get a sponsor and we (sponsors) move quickly? I agree 100%. I was in a very dangerous spot. My first sponsor who did not require me to call at any given time - nor did she read the book with me - agreed to hear "my 5th Step" that I hurried typed out in a period of rage. She responded by listing the 7 deadly sins to me, which to an atheist was insulting and maddening. I had no understanding of what I was doing, what I wrote out or what she was saying. That began my journey (that almost took too long) to get another sponsor. One who would help me understand. I was BLIND - not in denial. However, once I got my new sponsor - I had a spiritual experience of the intellectual type the first time she read and explained the words "phenomena of craving".

Wow did we take too long to get to 4 & 5! I had SO many questions and protestations! There were no tests and no written work up to Step 4. But every week was a new revelation - and un-blinding if you will. And I did not drink. It took a decade for me to call that Grace, but there you have it!

It takes all kinds. I am neither here nor there on how others do it. I can only speak for my experience.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
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positrac
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

Post by positrac »

Paige,
I would say my experience with steps 1-5 I had to find the willingness to take the suggestions of those in the rooms. I was good with 1-3 and I knew my root causes were in the 1-3 steps. The concept of 4&5 were great but not so much for me. I eventually had to step up my game because resting on the laurels can and could of gotten me drunk which I wasn't going to allow to happen.

I know if anyone wants something then they will strive to execute being sober.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
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avaneesh912
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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My experience with steps may be bit different from the approach i take helping another person. That is because, we learn a lot over the years. After series of relapses around my area, I went back to the chapter "Working with others" to try to understand what the authors had to say.

This segment stood out.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism. If he is alcoholic, he will understand you at once. He will match your mental inconsistencies with some of his own.If you are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the malady.

What they are saying here is the alcoholic has no chance. Any moment his/her mind could go through that twist, if he doesn't get into action. And they illustrate this concept with the man of thirty, car salesman story and the account story in that chapter. The peculiar mental twist/blind spot.

"After a long period of sobriety, i should be able to handle liquor"
"Mixing whiskey in milk on a full stomach is not going hurt"
"Just a couple".

These are the twists that went throughs people and all took their first drink.

And if we help the new-comers see that, an alcoholic who i am sure comes to AA as a last resort will immediately understand the state he/she is in. I am not talking about those sent to AA by Judges or treatment centers (maybe the one who has spent several times in various gigs will understand, not the first timers).

I have a full-time job and other commitments so i cant afford to baby-sit those who are not willing to work the steps. Maybe it will change when i retire, who knows, maybe i will be bit accommodative. But the approach i am sure will not change. BTW i will never talk about the craving most of the time. Because people relate to it very easily. What they have trouble is with the spiritual malady and peculiar mental twists. Thats why we have those misleading cliches.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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This segment stood out.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism. If he is alcoholic, he will understand you at once. He will match your mental inconsistencies with some of his own. If you are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the malady.
When I sponsor a gal I really DO this exercise with her. We talk about the insanity and I love sharing the 3 stories with her. I suppose one could do this on their own. Sponsorship is not mandated. However I NEEDED another mind than my own. "You are Hopeless... Now what do we do about it?"

12&12 Step Five, p.59

Hence it was most evident that a solitary self-appraisal, and the admission of our defects based upon that alone, wouldn't be nearly enough.
BB Into Action, p.72
In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient.


Even when we get THRU Step 4 we still find a solitary self-appraisal wanting. IF one can get a sponsor why hesitate? My mind was was blind by so many years of rationalization and justification. I needed Grace and I got it. But I got it by working with another alcoholic. I learned to Love again and to Trust - through the people of AA. My first Real relationship was with a sponsor.

I say this in a private thread today:
today's GRAPEVINE DAILY QUOTE: April 13, 2021
“Sponsorship is a bridge to trusting the human race, the very race we once resigned from. In learning to trust, we are strengthening our sobriety.” ---- “A Means to a Beginning,” Grand Island Nebraska, February 1984, AA Grapevine
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
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avaneesh912
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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Even when we get THRU Step 4 we still find a solitary self-appraisal wanting. IF one can get a sponsor why hesitate?

go back to the post and read it it again. never meant otherwise.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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avaneesh912 wrote: Sun Apr 11, 2021 12:05 pm So I would say move forward, you can have the inventory written by the time you are ready to do your fifth maybe you will find a sponsor.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
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avaneesh912
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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yeah...you dont need a sponsor to write your inventory. then find one and do the fifth. thats what i meant.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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PaigeB
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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It is ok that we disagree...
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
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avaneesh912
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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You recognize the quote you threw is from "Into Action"?

The progression of the steps is at the end of Chapter 5 "How it works" you have your inventory. They talk about digesting big truths about ourselves.

And in chapter "Into Action" it starts off: "Having made a personal inventory, what do we do about it"?

This is where they talk about self appraisal is not sufficient. And then they go about giving us direction on how to find a person to do a fifth so the other could highlight the selfishness and self-centeredness.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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PaigeB
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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avaneesh912 wrote: Fri Apr 16, 2021 6:12 am You recognize the quote you threw is from "Into Action"?

The progression of the steps is at the end of Chapter 5 "How it works" you have your inventory. They talk about digesting big truths about ourselves.

And in chapter "Into Action" it starts off: "Having made a personal inventory, what do we do about it"?

This is where they talk about self appraisal is not sufficient. And then they go about giving us direction on how to find a person to do a fifth so the other could highlight the selfishness and self-centeredness.
I had a hard time even getting to the facts about myself in Step 4. I think that years of therapy and the grace of a loving HP might have just had me understand fully Steps 1, 2 & 3... and somehow I would magically understand HOW to do Step 4 and get right to the nitty gritty... But I needed more help than that.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
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PaigeB
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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I know you said your EXPERIENCE is not what you would recommend now, but tell us - what was your first experience with 1-4?
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
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Re: Can’t be honest to my sponser

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I wasted the first 4 months just going to meetings and hearing all the cliches. Then I heard the message of AA from these workshops. My HP lead me to a group that was going through the 4 step JC style at that exact time and one of the guys handed me the worksheet and a CD of some AAer. Using those worksheets I created my inventory and shared it with my sponsor. Then went on to make amends and then I ran into Mark Houstons talk on 10 and 11. That was another good talk where he talks about getting into 10 and 11 and then using those discipline making amends. So as I progressed along when i try to help others i incorporated those valuable knowledge acquired through experience and through these workshops. That CD i got inspired me to burn CDs of my favorite talks and share it new-comers.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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