I think I need a new sponsor

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
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Tasman1
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I think I need a new sponsor

Post by Tasman1 »

Hi there

I’m not sure how to put this without sounding like an ingrate.

My sponsor has approx 25 years sobriety, she is a good person. I have been thinking about how helpful our relationship is for my recovery.

The reasons for this are that whenever we meet it is like friends catching up rather than a sponsor-sponsee relationship.

I asked her about doing Step 4 & 5 but she did not think I needed to do it again as I had done it before. She has never asked me to do anything or really suggested I do such and such.

I have been in AA for about 16 years, in and out with some years of sobriety. The last 4 years I have been more drunk than sober and I finally made the decision to go to rehab.

My biggest defect of character is lack of assertiveness, I have worked on that in rehab and I now feel comfortable having this conversation with her.... I’m just sounding this out.

The last time we met after rehab she wanted to hear all about the “drama” which I have steadfastly avoided.

I live in a small town with very few sober women.
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Chelle
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Re: I think I need a new sponsor

Post by Chelle »

I do not think you sound like an ingrate Tasman. It doesn't sound like she is really sponsoring you, as much as being your friend. Its perfectly fine to tell her you are no longer a good fit. My sponsor always refers me to the steps, and that was and is the sole focus of our relationship. I can't afford to get caught up in the drama and avoid it as much as possible.I can't see how that is helpful, especially this early in your sobriety, unless it is something you are struggling with.

I commend you for going to rehab, but this is where the real work begins. Living sober, in the solution is what its all about. Its OK to use your new found power in assertiveness, and look out for what is best for you. Hopefully, you can still be friends.
MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: I think I need a new sponsor

Post by MyNameIsBetsy »

Hi Tasman,

Very simple, if you want a new sponsor, get a new sponsor.

It would be considerate to tell your current sponsor that it is time for a change. You could tell her that you appreciate all her time and energy, but that you want the opportunity to learn still more with another sponsor.

I've been sober for 17 years and have had four sponsors. I've learned something from each of them.

The important thing is to find someone whose sobriety you respect. Then be willing to consider her suggestions that are based on our program.

You don't have to drink again. You owe it to yourself to set yourself up for success, one day at a time! You are worth it.

Betsy, an alcoholic
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
Tasman1
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Re: I think I need a new sponsor

Post by Tasman1 »

Thank you Chelle and Betsy

That is helpful. I do feel that I need a different sponsor. Although there are very few women In AA in my town, there are others in the city I went to rehab at. It is a 3 hour drive to there. Given the technology available I think it’s possible to have a sponsor in another town.

I have also asked for a temporary sponsor on here. I am quite a ways from most of the folks on this forum, in New Zealand.

Thanks for responding to my questions.

Tasman
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avaneesh912
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Re: I think I need a new sponsor

Post by avaneesh912 »

There are some great workshops on the youtube we all could make use of. I was really amazed at the amount of resources available. I got clarity on the 1st step listening to those. They go in-depth into those 4 stories in more about alcoholism chapter that you will realize the connection between unmanageability and powerlessness. How if we keep doing the same thing, the effect is, it will lead us back to those subtle blind spots and we pick up.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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PaigeB
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Re: I think I need a new sponsor

Post by PaigeB »

Tasman1 wrote: Sun Oct 11, 2020 1:54 am Thank you Chelle and Betsy

That is helpful. I do feel that I need a different sponsor. Although there are very few women In AA in my town, there are others in the city I went to rehab at. It is a 3 hour drive to there. Given the technology available I think it’s possible to have a sponsor in another town.

I have also asked for a temporary sponsor on here. I am quite a ways from most of the folks on this forum, in New Zealand.
Thanks for responding to my questions.
Tasman
I changed sponsors at about 7 years for the same reason as you! My sponsor thought I just needed to work Step 10, 11 & 12, but I felt things had changed inside me sooo much that I needed to do them ALL again. I got a new sponsor, I have 11 years and I am growing in leaps and bounds!

The 9th Step Promises (page 83) say that "we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness... We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace." Geeze - - I didn't even know I wanted these things and when I first got a glimpse of serenity it took my breath away. Turns out these are the things I looked for in the bottle! My Higher Power meets me at the meetings or when I am with other AA's especially when times are feeling dark. I need the Light of other alcoholics to brighten up my dark room so I can find the Light switch!
Also https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/aa-lite ... ponsorship
Alcoholics Anonymous : Questions and Answers on Sponsorship
P-15 - Questions & Answers on Sponsorship — Uses shared A.A. experience to answer 34 questions likely to be asked by persons seeking sponsors, persons wanting to be sponsors, and groups planning sponsorship activity.
That is a pamphlet on sponsorship.

I know it can seem a daunting task to find another woman to sponsor you. Maybe you can work through the phone numbers in your area. So if there is a woman there who has gone through the Steps - she can guide you through them. It's not a marriage - it is more like a partnership that benefits both parties. I think it is something that is indispensable, so keep an open mind OK?

Here is a link to AA in New Zealand. I thought you might know - but you might like to try something new!
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa- ... es/world/1
For online options: http://aa-intergroup.org/

Much Love!
(((hugs)))
Paige
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB
tomsteve
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Re: I think I need a new sponsor

Post by tomsteve »

it reads to me that the motive is in the right place. it reads like its gotten from your head to your heart that this is a life or death matter and youre willing to do the work. imo, a sponsor should listen to a sponsee when they mention something like this. its saying they want to grow and learn more.sponsors should stop that.
i got a new sponsor about 6 years in. he helped me tremendously. 9 years later, we have more of a friendship than sponsor/sponsee relationship. the reason is because he guided me on how to incorporate the program and principles into every area of my life. ive been able to deal with life on lifes terms with the program and my HP.
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