Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
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Sugarwags
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Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by Sugarwags »

Hi everyone, I just started with a new sponsor (I was on a long dry drunk and am coming back to AA). I've been doing everything she's asked (call text every day, 90/90, etc.). However, when it comes to meeting in person, there's a problem. The only time she can meet is on 17.30 on Sunday evenings, before her 19.00 meeting. My sponsor wanted to meet me at the meeting room which is in a hospital in a different neighborhood. This time really stinks for me as I have to be up very early for work the next day. I hemmed and hawed about the time, and she reminded me if I really wanted to be sober I would go to any lengths. So I bit the bullet and met her at that time. I got lost on the hospital grounds and asked her to meet me at a Starbucks across the street. It worked out well and it was my understanding that 17.30 would be our regular meeting time. Today when I texted her to confirm 17.30, she told me she could only meet at 18.00 and wanted to meet at the hospital (I feel uncomfortable going there alone in the dark). I wrote back and said 18.00 wasn't good for me, why don't we reschedule (I suggested a weeknight). She didn't answer back and am worried she may not want to work with me. However, in my opinion, the meeting time and place should work for both of us. What are your opinions and how should I proceed?
D'oh
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Re: Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by D'oh »

Welcome Back! BTW.

Does your New Sponsor have what you want?

A Serenity, Sobriety, Character, heck even a sense of Humor?

Then ask how she got it.

As far as Excuses like "I work tomorrow" That's when "I" need a Meeting the Most.

Good Luck on your Journey. Great Question BTW. K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid)
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Brock
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Re: Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by Brock »

I kind of agree that the time and place should be convenient for both parties, and wonder why someone would take on the role of sponsor, if they are only available once per week.

I tread carefully on this subject because I never had a sponsor, it’s a story I won’t go into now. But we do get some stories about sponsors here, some pretty weird ones, it’s a place folks can ask this question confidently. On the subject of any lengths, I do remember someone asking the question, ‘is it your lengths or the sponsors lengths,’ it should be both ways, again convenient to both.

I polity disagree with anyone who says those lengths might include putting ourselves in a possibly dangerous place, and at a time which might affect our ability to work well the next day, no point in being a sober unemployed person.

If it were me I would just wait and see if she does reply with a change of time and place, if not I would look for someone else, and that is a normal thing to do in AA, (changing sponsors). Also, I liked the you tube big book studies from people like Joe and Charlie, and there are so many AA speakers to be found there as well, those things were a great help to me in understanding and doing the steps.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
D'oh
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Re: Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by D'oh »

I have walked 5 miles in -40 degrees temps for a drunk, drove 12 miles across a frozen lake with 12"s of water on top, in a car that well, was a junker and pulled off the roads, to finish a Drunk.

I should be able to go to Any Lengths for Sobriety. Specially when Something is Guiding me.

This doesn't mean Doing Stupid Things, (like say going on a 12th Step Call to a Bar by yourself) but excuses come easy in the beginning.

An Open Mind bares many Gifts. This is why I asked "Does your Sponsor have what you want?"
MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by MyNameIsBetsy »

Sugarwags, If the relationship with your sponsor is not working for you, find a new sponsor. The goal is to get sober and stay sober.

Your relationship does not have to be a lifetime commitment. If it is not working out with your sponsor, find a new one.

If you repeatedly are finding a new sponsor, you might be the problem. That would be a different issue entirely!!!
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
Sugarwags
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Re: Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by Sugarwags »

Hi Everyone, Thank you all for your feedback. In answer to the question, "does she have what you want", I'm not sure. There seems to be a wall between us and it does bother me. In the past I've had 2 wonderful sponsors and we made it up to the 9th Step. Then they moved away. She still hasn't gotten back to me - I texted her a "check-in" text and asked her to call me last night so we could reschedule. I haven't heard back. So, I may move on to someone else. She did help me a lot - getting me to pray and sign up for a service commitment, and I'm grateful for that.
tomsteve
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Re: Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by tomsteve »

Sugarwags wrote: Tue Dec 17, 2019 7:23 am I texted her a "check-in" text and asked her to call me last night so we could reschedule. I haven't heard back.
reads like yer HP could be sendin you a message.
one thing i highly suggest with your next sponsor:
stop the texting and call. i refuse to communicate with anyone that wants to communicate by text. call me old school but i find talking much better- i can hear HOW a person is and they can hear HOW i am.
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avaneesh912
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Re: Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by avaneesh912 »

I dont like the 90/90 style of sponsoring. The sponsor ideally should help someone to reach a point where they can rely on the program rather than the meetings. That for an alcoholic is very important. The racing mind needs to be quietened otherwise, people who are gravely impacted cant wait for they specified time set by the sponsor. Alcoholics especially early in the journey dont have the capacity to call the sponsor at all times. Very few sponsors understand that.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
rjr34036
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Re: Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by rjr34036 »

I’m with Avaneesh on this one. My first sponsor was similar to your current one. Wanted me to call her everyday (I never actually did), was good with that saying “are u willing to go to any lengths” so I’d drive to her side of city every time instead of her driving to mine, .etc. I was still able to recover tho. Just remember, you’re still dealing with a human here lol.

There are many other people who you could get with if this one doesn’t work out though. In my opinion, Just get into the work with someone who can guide you thru. I believe God will
Work out the rest. I’ve heard of some CRAZY stuff sponsors have done, but if the prospect is willing they still recover! And they don’t necessarily come out a carbon copy of their sponsor either (thank goodness)!
ReAnneR
tomsteve
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Re: Is my sponsor being inflexible?

Post by tomsteve »

avaneesh912 wrote: Wed Dec 18, 2019 8:15 am I dont like the 90/90 style of sponsoring. The sponsor ideally should help someone to reach a point where they can rely on the program rather than the meetings. That for an alcoholic is very important. The racing mind needs to be quietened otherwise, people who are gravely impacted cant wait for they specified time set by the sponsor. Alcoholics especially early in the journey dont have the capacity to call the sponsor at all times. Very few sponsors understand that.
amen!
going to meetings is good but going to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism.
its the steps we take- not the meetings we make-that does that.
i have seen people,myself included, living a fear based recovery. gotta make meetings or ill drink.
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