Don't share for 30 days

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Don't share for 30 days

Postby kaosxtech » Sun Feb 25, 2018 4:29 pm

So I was in a meeting and the topic was guidance. As it went around the room it got to a newcomer and he said I am just going to listen and not share because I am following the guidance of my sponsor who said I should just listen and not share for the first 30 days. I got a resentment towards his sponsor (I do not know who his sponsor is). When I am in a meeting I love when the newcomer shares it helps me to see where they are at and more importantly it sometimes reminds me what it was like when I was out there; As a result, it helps to keep me stay sober.
I prayed for the newcomer that night and after meditating decided that there are many ways to sponsor and my way is not the only way. I believe I let the resentment go; however, I am writing about it on a forum so obviously it still bothers me on some level.
What is your advice for me when I see a person that may be sponsoring a little to rough r controlling for my liking? Again I realize I dont have the monopoly on how to sponsor.
How do I stop myself from getting a resentment? My emotions are going to be what they are going to be.
Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby Brock » Sun Feb 25, 2018 5:20 pm

Welcome to e-AA kaosxtech, I have enjoyed reading your posts.

The things that sponsors ask their sponsees to do is something which comes up here often. Having a place for newcomers to ask questions on matters like these, I feel is one of the best advantages of forums like this. We have had some strange ones over the years, which make this one month silence look like child’s play. I have seen one person not speak for three months as part of the 90 in 90 instructions from his sponsor, another when I asked if he was getting anywhere with the steps, told me his sponsor said for the first three months study the slogans on the wall only. The low bottom drunk like me wouldn’t make anywhere near three months on slogans only.

I respect what you say here - “I prayed for the newcomer that night and after meditating decided that there are many ways to sponsor and my way is not the only way.” I am afraid I am still working toward having such understanding, there may be many ways to sponsor but some don’t make any sense. In my own case I was given a list of prayers I didn’t like, and told that these were the only prayers to use, I protested, I was then, and still am, a spiritual person with prayers of my own. The bottom line is he said if I didn’t use those prayers he wouldn’t sponsor me, and then came the words which I feel do more harm to sponsorship than anything else - “That’s the way my sponsor showed me, that’s the way I show others.” No compromise, no common sense deduction that this fellow is spiritual and has prayers of his own.

I hope you stay with us, we have very many more readers here than we have those who post, and what we say can reach and assist many people.
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby Spirit Flower » Sun Feb 25, 2018 6:37 pm

Some new comers actually do need to be told to shut up and listen.
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby Blue Moon » Sun Feb 25, 2018 9:55 pm

kaosxtech wrote:So I was in a meeting and the topic was guidance. As it went around the room it got to a newcomer and he said I am just going to listen and not share because I am following the guidance of my sponsor who said I should just listen and not share for the first 30 days.


Probably good advice, IMO. You have to listen to learn to listen. It depends on the newcomer. I have sometimes had the opposite problem, and tried to.encourage someone to open up more in the meetings, having been going there for a couple or years and still saying nothing.

The newcomer isn't there to give us what we want. They're hopefully there for us to give them what they need.
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Feb 26, 2018 5:00 am

Grouch and brainstorm are dubious luxury of a normal person, the book talks about it. We can be accountable for whom we sponsor. We have situations where the sponsor would ask the new person to get the daily meditation book and read and meditate and call him for the first 30 days. Only then he would even sit with him to go through the powerlessness and un-manageability concepts. Most of them fall of the wagon. I just just use the same principle. I can't fix everyone. Same is with people talking about powerlessness after taking drink. For them thats all there is to alcoholism. How can we contribute? Periodically we conduct workshops to show the relationship between un-manageability and powerlessness and why the new comers have to also read the other chapters (There is a solution and More about alcoholism) and just not read the doctors opinion.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby positrac » Mon Feb 26, 2018 5:13 am

Spirit Flower wrote:Some new comers actually do need to be told to shut up and listen.

We are old school and back in the day it was normal to be told stay quiet and listen, and or 90/90 meetings which I feel is a very good tool for change and for habits. But we live in a different world with all of the PC stuff I often wonder how anyone could stay sober over the rules of what you can do in meeting instead of just simply following instructions. If we knew how to handle our drinking and could of followed instructions about not abusing our alcohol I tend to think we'd never have needed AA because we had it all in one sock instead of spread out all over the place.

Perspectives are cool and wiliness is another and for me my old hard-headed self will continue to value my roots of early AA because all over the world meetings were very similar and it made visiting easy because of the traditions in place. rant-rant.... :oops:
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby tomsteve » Mon Feb 26, 2018 7:29 am

kaosxtech wrote:What is your advice for me when I see a person that may be sponsoring a little to rough r controlling for my liking? Again I realize I dont have the monopoly on how to sponsor.
.

my personal opinion?
go back to step 2 and 3. trying to play God- thinking i know how to sponsor someone better than a persons' sponsee is a wee bit....umm.... old me.

back in the day- this is how sponsees were brought into AA- share the mass with the sponsor and message at meetings. newcomers dont know what the message is.

early on my sponsor stopped me speaking in a meeting now and then to tell me i should shut up because i didnt know what i was talking about. many times my sponsor called me out on a LOT outside of meetings,too.
one day a couple years later we were on a roadtrip-reminiscing about when i was a youngen in AA. laughing at how defensive and angry id get at what he said and how i was able to eventually see he was right. then he said," i said what i said because i care. it was obvious that you,like me, was going to need the message straight up and not sugar coated.if i didnt care i wouldnt have called you out on it and let ya struggle along and possibly end up drunk again."
the message may have been blunt and not exactly how the BB SUGGESTS, but there was compassion to it.
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby kaosxtech » Mon Feb 26, 2018 11:47 am

tomsteve wrote: but there was compassion to it.

It reminds me that," Love and tolerance of others is our code.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone".
Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Feb 26, 2018 1:04 pm

I will take him to the coffee shop and explain what AA is about. All these rules set by people hurts new comers. I will talk to him about the peculiar mental twist. If he doesn't start considering those there is a good chance they go out with the idea that AA is all about going to meetings and following what the sponsor says.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby Shoreline » Mon Feb 26, 2018 2:47 pm

I've heard this suggested to newcomers sometimes, not to share at meetings for a while but just listen. But, they were always encouraged to talk to others one on one before/after the meeting. I think sometimes newcomers don't know what to say, or their shares are off topic, so maybe for some it is best not to share for a while.
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby Greywolf » Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:40 am

30 day rule? Sounds like a violation of one of the traditions to me. I belonged to a group called The Experience Group where we shared our experience on the topic, obviously rather than our opinions, thoughts about, what our sponsors' said, etc. Part of the opening remarks was a bit on sharing your experience no matter how long you had been without a drink. We encouraged chronically younger attendees to share their experience -- that it was as valuable as anyone else's experience.

The group picked up several members who weren't old enough to drive -- members who were staying clean and sober. Seemed like Wednesday night was the only time during the week where what they had to say was respected and listened to.

Were they staying clean to belong or belonging to stay clean? Didn't really matter to us old farts. It was a joy to see them there.

30 days before sharing? What's the point? More time for some of us to drone on and on saying the same thing they always say?
I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care.
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby Blue Moon » Sun Apr 22, 2018 9:38 am

Greywolf wrote:30 days before sharing? What's the point?


IMO the point is to learn to listen. Of course, the premise is that the meeting is keeping to it's side of the deal: offering a recovery message they need to hear.

If staying quiet in meetings for a month is the harshest sentence a newcomer gets, they got it easy. I've never seen a shortage of people waffling on before or after the meeting; it's just the meeting itself that needs to be focused on recovery business.

Yes it gets tedious at times. That's when we need to look within and ask ourselves why we're treating it that way. This may be the first meeting the newcomer walked into from a crazy life, why wouldn't they be invited to just sit quiet and smell the coffee?
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby Greywolf » Tue Apr 24, 2018 2:35 pm

Blue Moon wrote:
Greywolf wrote:30 days before sharing? What's the point?


IMO the point is to learn to listen. Of course, the premise is that the meeting is keeping to it's side of the deal: offering a recovery message they need to hear.

It's been a long time since I've been to a meeting where the topic was a message the 30 day newbie needed to hear. :wink:

I had the attention span of at best a 3 year old at 30 days. Most folks with "the message you need to hear" don't get warmed up before the newbie has drifted off thinking about the jack-pot he's found himself in. We don't come to AA fresh from hitting the lottery.

I'll admit it's been a rarity that anybody comes to AA without having been through treatment at least once and likely more than once. A 30 day newbie is a rare animal indeed.
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby Blue Moon » Wed Apr 25, 2018 7:37 pm

Greywolf wrote:I'll admit it's been a rarity that anybody comes to AA without having been through treatment at least once and likely more than once. A 30 day newbie is a rare animal indeed.


Hence the difference between a "newcomer" and a "retread". Basically, the newcomer is one who's trying to discover what to do, and the retread is one who had decided they didn't need to do it. Both have a problem with Steps 1 and / or 3, and both are destined to drink again unless they take different actions from before.

So maybe also part of "listen" is a challenge to practice following some directions the person doesn't want to do.
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Re: Don't share for 30 days

Postby Spirit Flower » Thu Apr 26, 2018 12:08 pm

the retread is one who had decided they didn't need to do it
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