Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
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kittyr
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Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by kittyr » Sun Aug 02, 2015 4:25 pm

A friend also in program was experiencing domestic violence so I let her move in. Obvious rule no drinking. She had a rough few days and has been binge drinking in my house, bringing random dudes home etc. Feel like a total ass if I leave her homeless but have zero interest in having someone drink in my house. Especially as I have a young child. I'm not her sponsor. I just posted on this thread as it seemed like best fit. Letting another alkie move in and having it backfire seems like something other people may have done. Has anyone discussed this before and can direct me to other threads.

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avaneesh912
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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by avaneesh912 » Sun Aug 02, 2015 8:07 pm

I don't remember anyone posting any problems similar to yours. Its your house, if your friend is not abinding by your rules, you have every right to ask her to leave politely though. You can always use your kids as excuse.

Thats why the book asks us to be careful when helping fellow drunks:

It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job -- wife or no wife -- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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ann2
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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by ann2 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 12:22 am

So sorry to hear this. However, Al-Anon might have some good suggestions for you here. Basically, you are enabling her by allowing her to drink there. Obviously she's alcoholic and has an illness, yes. But she's also been shown the solution. She is not taking the solution that has been offered her.

Living on the streets isn't fun, but maybe that's the wake-up call she needs. However, don't ask her to leave thinking it will change her. Ask her to leave becauase YOU are alcoholic, you have a child, and this situation is intolerable for you. End of story.

Ann
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Tosh
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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by Tosh » Mon Aug 03, 2015 12:38 am

Hi Kittyr,

I would give her a date to leave by and then make sure she leaves by that date. But I have no experience of this situation, but my common sense tells me, particularly since you have a son, that this isn't a healthy situation. Fair play to you though for trying to help but the Big Book speaks about knowing how and when to give.

You might be helping this lady towards the gift of a rock bottom too.

There's a lady in the woman's section of this forum who might have some direct experience of what you're talking about. You may wish to repost this there. She's currently on holiday so I'm not sure if she's using this forum.

Her own experience wasn't positive though.

Regards

Tosh
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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clouds
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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by clouds » Mon Aug 03, 2015 8:06 am

I havent had the experience of bringing an alcoholic into my home, but I have gotten too involved and had a bit of troubles in this regard. A couple of words of caution, although I wont get into details. When going into their home or having them to yours, if you arent sure they are on the beam, (in terms of having put the cork in the jug) its always best to have another AA person with you. Sometimes its best to have a man member of AA depending on the state of the newcomer. If they need help cleaning up their living quarters and theyare just too weak to do so, again make sure you take someone along, preferably an AA. Some new comers need rides to the supermarket, an occasional gift of food or money isnt a big deal, but if that continues, its better to assist them getting social assistance of some kind than to rely on you. Putting our assistance on the material plane can be a block to the real help we offer which is to carry the message.

When getting involved with a brand new person I have been sometimes involved with the family. In my experience this worked out well, with husbands and with parents of new people, however I can see how that involvment could become problematic. In your current situation perhaps you might call on your friend's family and see what assistance or housing they may be able to provide? Its good to be able to make friends with everyone concerned, as your friend may come to see you mean no harm, but just wish them to get on the path to sobriety.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.

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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by Lali » Mon Aug 03, 2015 9:48 am

There are shelters for women in this situation. My sponsor would say, because she is still drinking, have her leave immediately. Call around and find a shelter she can stay in ASAP. I'm not saying put her out on the street, but there is never any reason that you should allow someone to bring alcohol into your home. And you have a child to protect as well.

One thing I'm wondering about - who are these men she's bringing over? Seems they could assist her in some way - outside of the confines of your home.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by Db1105 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 11:28 am

Sometimes things don't work out they way we expect. I would kick her out immediately. Bringing random dudes to your home is putting your child's safety, not to mention yourself, in danger. If she won't leave, call the police. We can only carry the message. we don't have to carry their drama. Have you talked to your sponsor?

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clouds
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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by clouds » Mon Aug 03, 2015 11:42 am

I still wonder if her family may be able to assist you in either getting her a position in a halfway house, as Lali well advised, or help with some other arrangement. I guess I feel the family may be helpful and a possible contact for later when she gets ready to accept the AA program as a priority.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.

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johnd
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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by johnd » Mon Aug 03, 2015 6:48 pm

Hi Kitty,
You say she is in the program.. What program has she got that allows her to take advantage of you while she binge drinks ?
So she had few rough days does the drinking and bringing dudes home make it better... Certainly has a lot of baggage... I would call her sponsor, if she has one.. Otherwise . Have her out ASAP.. You certainly don't need that BS around your home....
She obviously has no RESPECT or Gratitude for you.... Definitely none for herself....
I do understand helping someone believe me... But, When I see someone not helping themselves it's time to turn them loose..
Tosh brought up a good idea give her a date to get it together and get out... Might wish to talk with her in the morning when she will be feeling like crap.. She may be more receptive. Tough love works best in these situations. If she really is a friend she will understand, if she cops an attitude well don't take it personally, It's just the arrogance of a drunk full of pain and remorse.... Hang in there I am sure you will do the right thing for yourself and your child.... Take care... Also you may want another member with more sobriety to come by and help you talk with her.... John D.
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans- Anonymous

kittyr
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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by kittyr » Tue Aug 04, 2015 1:39 am

Thanks all for responding. I appreciate it.
xx

Lali
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Re: Offer place to stay and they start drinking again.

Post by Lali » Tue Aug 04, 2015 8:42 am

I guess this is where the program gets selfish. It is never a good idea to let someone who is drinking move in. This is not your problem. She is in active addiction. She has to go. Call the local women's shelter and tell them you are on your way with your friend. If you have to, tell her your sponsor insisted.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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