Is it my fault?

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marietta
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by marietta » Thu May 12, 2011 3:32 pm

Cancer: a condition in which cell division explodes and runs rampant if unchecked. Has the power to kill.
Alcoholism: a condition in which self-will explodes and runs rampant if unchecked. Has the power to kill.

When we allow a relationship to develop between ourselves and a higher power, the possibility exists for improvement, even remission. Some folks experience a remission from a cancerous condition. I have experienced a remission from active alcoholic thoughts and behaviors. It does not always work this way for the cancer patient or the alcoholic, for a variety of reasons, with or without a higher power. I just know that over my years in the program I have moved toward something good and productive and beautiful, even with the inherent setbacks. As an active drunk I deliberately moved away from such things and then turned around to my fellow human beings and exclaimed, "See? I told you life was an unbearable farce!" I can understand my character defects better if I view them through the lens of humility. I always feel that a higher power is showing me something important when I grasp that I have allowed some defective core belief to alter an otherwise good outcome for any given situation.

We can choose to get sober and remain sober, work the steps to the best of our ability, improve our lives and the lives of those around us, if we follow the directions in the Big Book. We need not believe that alcoholism is a disease (although it makes sense to me). We need not believe in any stereotypical "God". But we do need to be honest and openminded, and willing to explore our alcoholism and how it has affected our lives, our loves, our growth, our ability to overcome life's trials.

I still get hung up on concepts of God. But because I even have questions about this tells me that I am not omniscient. That means someone or something else must be. So eventually I turn it over. And eventually I move forward.

marietta
"There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink." ~ Oscar Wilde

BigD
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by BigD » Thu May 12, 2011 6:07 pm

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going to a study meeting tonight. Have had beer. I am sad

jak
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by jak » Thu May 12, 2011 6:10 pm

BigD wrote:

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going to a study meeting tonight. Have had beer. I am sad
Sadness is survivable.

Alcoholism kills.

jim k

happycamper
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by happycamper » Sat May 14, 2011 3:46 am

I dont go around talking about alcoholism being a disease. I do like the definition our book carries , and I prefer to use 'sickness' or 'illness'.

I use to be a victim of the illness ... cuz' I didnt realize just how sick I was,mentally, physically and spiritually. Then , along came AA and the God I found there , into my life and Wow! things started to change and I am very thankful for this.

I am no longer a victim of this so called disease. If I pick up a drink today, Im a volunteer.
And because I dont wanna die, Im gonna do what the program tells me, and what I believe God would have me do.
Faith without works is dead

Lali
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by Lali » Sat May 14, 2011 4:26 am

Hey, BigD. How're ya doing today? When you started this post, were you looking for a reason to drink? Did you want to hear that it's not your fault? You have enough sober time to know what to do now. Are you ready to go to any lengths to get sober again? There are a lot of people here pulling for you. :D
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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Step 9
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by Step 9 » Sat May 14, 2011 6:15 am

No big long page full of spiel hope you are ok Big D, will pray for you hang in their don't let go.
855 Ardmore Avenue 1935
Step 9 [Phil]

Joe H
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by Joe H » Sat May 14, 2011 4:33 pm

What is a disease, what is alcoholism? Well, for me a quick visit to Merriam-Webster gives me a pretty good idea of what they are. Now what?

In April 1996, I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, my life was unmanageable. I had diagnosed my problem. Now my question was not a detailed explanation of the problem but rather was there a way to recover from this? A.A. offered me the Second Step.

In April 2010, I was unable to talk or eat solid food. I was diagnosed with Stage IV throat cancer. Now my question was not a detailed explanation of the problem but rather was there a way to recover from this? A team of doctors offered me radiation and chemotherapy.

15 years ago I did not admit to having a disease, I admitted that I could not stop drinking and I could not stop getting drunk.

Keeping things simple seems to work best for me.

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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by Mike O » Sun May 15, 2011 1:40 am

Joe H wrote:
Keeping things simple seems to work best for me.
Me too, Joe.

It's so important.

So many of us, at times, tend to overcomplicate this programme for ourselves and others.

happycamper
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by happycamper » Sun May 15, 2011 2:34 am

Im a KISS fan too :D
Faith without works is dead

BigD
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by BigD » Sun May 15, 2011 2:32 pm

Lali wrote:Hey, BigD. How're ya doing today? When you started this post, were you looking for a reason to drink? Did you want to hear that it's not your fault?
Maybe so, Lali. Maybe so.

I have four days now. Still going to meetings. Some days are easy, some are hard. But all of you already know this.

I am scared because the first time I got sober I stayed sober for twenty years because I had hit absolute bottom...homeless, jobless, alone. This time I still have a career, wife, family, home...not bottomed out yet, at least in the material sense. So I'm scared in that sense; I don't want it to come to that, as it did last time.

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Tosh
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by Tosh » Sun May 15, 2011 3:12 pm

BigD wrote:So I'm scared in that sense; I don't want it to come to that, as it did last time.
Hi Big D and well done on the four days. Now, in my experience, fear isn't always a bad thing. I'm sure fear helped me let go of old ideas and prodded me into finding a good Big Book sponsor and nudged me along the path to become a recovered alcoholic who no longer craves or even desires alcohol; it's just not a problem any more.

Also, can I make an observation? I've read a few of your posts and you remind me a lot of me in that I did a lot of 'thinking' and 'intellectualising' about AAs program. This continued and I went through a 'deep stage' where I even started a two year course on another spiritual path (which I still do (and it's not as good as AA either :mrgreen: )), but really it wasn't any of the 'thinking' or 'intellectualising' that really helped me (though it may have helped; I don't know), it was the action steps, Steps 5, 9, 10, 11, 12 that have had the biggest impact on me. I'm still not certain exactly what steps 6 and 7 are about; they're about 'change' I know, but I couldn't really explain them (and I've been to a lot of Step 6 and 7 meetings). They're probably action steps too? LOL. In the Big Book they're just two paragraphs which I read with my sponsor - we didn't really discuss them I think - and then we just got down on our knees, said the Step 7 prayer (I'm agnostic BTW; but I still pray; but that's another post) and cracked on with Steps 8 and 9.

But I found that just by taking the 'actions', finding a good Big Book sponsor and following the directions in the Big Book that everything worked out just fine. I had that change of attitude that is required to recover from our alcoholism, even though on an intellectual level I'm still pretty lacking in AA philosophical knowledge. But that's okay by me. Today I really feel recovered, and you can too, just by letting go of the 'thinking' and taking the actions (Sponsor, Steps, and Service).

It's always tough trying to explain how this stuff works, because it's not a rational plan of recovery, it's spiritual, and explaining that isn't easy; but it works!

I like Nike's slogan, "Just do it!" I think we ought to have that on the tables in A.A alongside "First things first", etc! :mrgreen:
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

BigD
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by BigD » Sun May 15, 2011 7:37 pm

My sponsor told me yesterday, "You're one of those guys who's too smart for AA. Be smart at your work. When you come to AA, be dumb."

I'm not sure I get that yet. Be dumb? don't ask questions? I am by nature inquisitive. If I'm going to turn my life over to something, I want to know if it will be good for me. After all, AA is not the ONLY method of recovery. And in every meeting I've been too, it seems EVERYONE in the room has relapsed multiple times.

I don't want to believe, I want to know, as Carl Sagan says.

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Karl R
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by Karl R » Sun May 15, 2011 7:43 pm

it seems EVERYONE in the room has relapsed multiple times
Relapse is not inevitable. There is a Solution.

regards,
Karl

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Layne
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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by Layne » Sun May 15, 2011 10:03 pm

it seems EVERYONE in the room has relapsed multiple times.
Most alcoholics, in their lifetimes, have quit drinking and then returned to drinking countless number of times, but that is not what is really at the heart of the matter here is it? It is also alright to ask questions and be inquisitive as well, however if you are looking for a way out you will find it. Why not look for the way in instead?

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Re: Is it my fault?

Post by Steven F » Sun May 15, 2011 11:27 pm

I am scared because the first time I got sober I stayed sober for twenty years because I had hit absolute bottom...homeless, jobless, alone. This time I still have a career, wife, family, home...not bottomed out yet, at least in the material sense.
Hey man, I was doing GREAT materially when I came to AA. I just was dying inside. I'm doing just ok now materially (nothing changed - just my perception, my clinging on to my possessions and wanting new ones), and I am alive and aware again.

Thorough knowledge of the AA programme never got anyone recovered, just like reading about sex never got anyone pregnant. It is the ACTION that counts. And doing the ACTION precisely as instructed does not require thorough intellectual study of the programme. It just requires doing what is asked of you in the big book.

Sure, study and question. But it will bring you a lot more if you do so while or after you do the work. Because then you are studying with an experience to situate it in. You can't discard experiences by others just because you feel you have read and studied more. I did that - I know that little voice in there saying "that one is doing it wrong" or "sure, mate, I believe that, haha". Judgement and assumption from a feeling of superiority. Wasn't my fault, the others just all seemed like idiots. At least it was like that for me. Brought me to my knees in a hurry. I didn't relapse, but I was a far way off from being happy, joyous and free...

Do the work. Get an experience. Then continue the work. Get more experiences. Of course, this is merely suggested ;-).

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