Crashed and burned

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ebear
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Crashed and burned

Post by ebear »

Hi, gang. It’s been a while, and I’m back after a humiliating defeat.

I don’t think I have been to this site since sometime before COVID-19 set in in late February. It has been an eventful several months. Work piled up, bills piled higher, and my anxiety grew. Because I have diabetes, I rarely left the apartment for fear of picking up the virus; my daughters wouldn’t let me, and they shopped for me. My program withered and died because of a lack of maintenance. I was diagnosed with cancer (prostate) in May, had one test after another for several months, and finally had surgery in August. Through all that time, I would get out of bed as late as possible, start working sometimes in my bathrobe (it’s remote work), start drinking beer during the day, and continue after work while sitting on the couch watching television reruns. Then I would go to sleep and start over the next day with the same routine. Sometimes I would buy a pint of vodka and drink that, usually after six beers or so and always from the bottle.

Looking back on that time, I can pinpoint exactly why I started drinking again: I am alcoholic, and I stopped treating the condition. No prayers, no reading, no phone calls to fellow alcoholics, no meetings. Just me in the darkness, with the beer cooler at the corner store calling my name.
This past Saturday, after having a good morning— shopping, a few chores, and a healthy breakfast and lunch— I was feeling hopeful. But a minor frustration sent me out again for booze. I remember buying a pint of Honey Jack. Apparently, I also bought and drank two cans of Fosters, though I don’t remember that. I just found the cans and the empty bottle the next morning when I got back from the hospital.

My memories of Saturday night are very vague. I sent a few messages to some Facebook friends saying just that I’d love to catch up with them on the phone sometime. I think I felt that I was getting ready to say goodbye. I remember talking to one friend but only the beginning of the conversation. After that I remember the face of an EMT. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and put in a room under suicide watch. My friend had called the police and reported my saying something I don’t remember: that I didn’t plan to be here in a couple of days.

The upshot: I was released on Sunday in the late morning, but not before my two daughters and my ex-wife had been notified by the hospital that I had been taken there by ambulance. Due to privacy laws, the hospital could not tell them why I was there; however, the social worker who called them asked questions that frightened them. How had I seemed lately? Was there a gun in my apartment? Had I talked about suicide?
All of my “secrets” of the past few months were blown wide open in the conversations I had with my ex-wife and daughters on Sunday. My older daughter (25) cried; she and her younger sister (21) had known that I had been drinking and had been very worried about my health. This latest episode seemed to confirm their fears, that I was going to die and leave them.

No matter what I said in my drunken stupor on Saturday night, it has never been in me to take my life— but I have struggled with a recurring longing that I were dead.

It’s now Tuesday, and I remain sober since that awful Saturday. I went to Zoom meetings on Sunday and Monday, and I talked with my sponsor each day. I have been drinking at least a gallon of water each day and eating small regular meals— something I had skipped while I was drinking. My blood sugar has stepped down from the stratosphere, and I no longer feel the occasional need to vomit because of incipient ketoacidosis.
Again, all of this mess was because I stopped making sobriety a priority, and soon it seemed to become something I couldn’t face.

So now I’m back in the early days, and I need to accumulate healthy time to put some distance between me and the last drink. I’ll be checking in here again, probably daily, and I hope to share good progress.
Last edited by ebear on Tue Sep 08, 2020 3:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

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PaigeB
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by PaigeB »

ebear wrote:
Tue Sep 08, 2020 11:31 am
Hi, gang. It’s been a while, and I’m back after a humiliating defeat.
I'll quote a friend here: We don't shoot our wounded.

I can say with confidence "WE are glad you are back."

Just yesterday I had a bit of a moment myself. 2 nights in a row I had annoying drinking dreams and was generally being my old azz-hat self to the family. In trying to find some self awareness about what the heck was going on with me and my inability to control myself, the thought came that it was indeed a big drinking holiday, even if it had been a decade since my last drink!

I thought not about how much FUN I would have out there, but of all those weekends that I didn't make it to Monday celebrations due to hangovers or shame - but also a couple that included EMT's & PD. Of course, missing Sunday/Monday was nothing new - in fact it was just normal for me, only I imagined I was noticeably missing. This brought a sad laugh when I then thought a bit about all those poor people that had to put up with my drinking! All those "last night" kind of things... that Shame that made me want to puke. I was never a shrinking violet and even the bikers called me Mouth. I left a lot of damage in my wake.

Sigh. Of course this got me feeling a bit of self pity... THAT threatens to stick as the emotion that will ruin my day and a bunch of days if I choose to believe my own fantasies. These folks who might have missed me on Monday were either glad I didn't show up or were worried I was dead somewhere. I drank suicidally. Suicidally - every AA knows what I mean, but my computer does not recognize that as a word. Probably a good reason why 90% of the people who wanted to help me were just incapable of doing so... I needed to hear from people like you. I needed to know that I was not the only one - but moreover I needed to know that you had a way out and one that millions like us agreed upon!

AA has a solution. It is not a yellow brick road, but you might smell some flowers along the way. ANYTHING is better than all those "last night"s and all those sad & worried friends. We have a way out and all you have to do is reach out your hand. DO IT right now - shake hands with whatever Higher Power is right in front of you. Then get yourself close to a group of AA folks. Someday this Labor Day weekend will meet the hand of another drunk looking for a way out and your story might just save his life!

This is a practical program of ACTION... so DO IT. :arrow:
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Spirit Flower
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by Spirit Flower »

welcome back ebear. I'm glad you are here.
...a score card reading zero...

D'oh
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by D'oh »

Welcome Back, Glad you made it.

It's not the Slip, but the Lessons contained from it. "It may be worth a case of the Jitters, to gain full knowledge. of Our condition."

1 is too Many and 100 are not enough.

tomsteve
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by tomsteve »

glad youre able to make it back when so many arent.
one thing i learned a couple years in:
MY program is designed to lead me to a drink. i came extremely close. MY program had me on a dry drunk with the only thing being done was going to meetings. MY program tossed out everything THE program of AA taught me to do to stay sober.
fortunately my HP smacked me upside the head. i was able to see the thought of a drink(which was going to come home with 11 others) had been building up for a few months.
then i got back to living THE program. havent had a dry drunk since.

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Chelle
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by Chelle »

I've been wondering where you have been e bear. I'm very glad you made it back, and appreciate your honesty. I've just celebrated 4 years a couple days ago, but started the program almost 6 years ago. I blew it too, so I know how hard it is.

You had a couple hard licks handed to you, and then did the research. Remember your research! Drinking never makes stuff better. I can never put anything before THE program. I learned that lesson the hard way .

Sounds like you put a pretty big scare in your girls. I'm sure they are happy to hear you are back to working on your sobriety. My daughter still has nightmares that I went back out. I hate that I did that to her.

We can trudge together. You are not alone e bear. I dont believe HP helped you out with the cancer to drop you on your head with alcoholism. You have more work to do and alcoholics to help. You helped me today . Thanks

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PaigeB
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by PaigeB »

Chelle wrote:
Wed Sep 09, 2020 5:38 pm
I've just celebrated 4 years a couple days ago
You helped me today . Thanks
Congrats Chelle! Good to see you again!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by MyNameIsBetsy »

Hey ebear, welcome back. I remember you. And I am so grateful you are back. It's dangerous out there.
I’ll be checking in here again, probably daily, and I hope to share good progress.
How was your day today? Our early days of sobriety are all about getting through the day sober, putting some good thoughts in our heads, and immersing ourselves in AA. Hope to see you here again and and hear you tell us that you are putting hours and days behind you.

It's a good life. You never have to drink again.

Betsy, an alcoholic
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."

Theo50
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by Theo50 »

Sorry to hear that you had to struggle through this but it is good to hear that you are back.

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ebear
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by ebear »

Thanks, everybody. Today has been good so far. I have been to an online meeting every night starting this past Sunday (the day after the ER trip), and I have been eating well and keeping my blood sugar under control. I have had a few cravings over the past two days, but I managed to stare them down. It feels good to be clearheaded.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

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PaigeB
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by PaigeB »

ebear wrote:
Fri Sep 11, 2020 2:52 pm
Thanks, everybody. Today has been good so far. I have been to an online meeting every night starting this past Sunday (the day after the ER trip), and I have been eating well and keeping my blood sugar under control. I have had a few cravings over the past two days, but I managed to stare them down. It feels good to be clearheaded.
Glad to hear it!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

CRHutch
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Re: Crashed and burned

Post by CRHutch »

Glad your're back!!!!!

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