Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

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PrinceForever
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Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

Post by PrinceForever » Sun Feb 02, 2020 7:47 am

Hi Everyone,

I have a family member who is going through the steps and is currently in a home for recovery. She is about to launch steps 8 and 9, and apparently, I am on the list for making amends. I am so conflicted about how to handle this. Should I be pleasant and supportive, or just say what I have thought about her behaviour and how it has affected me and be raw, the facts? It is complicated as she is my brother's wife, and if I had my way, she would just be gone. Years of abuse towards herself and others has dulled my empathy. I want to tell her what I think, but I don't want to be a Expletive. Help?

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Brock
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Re: Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

Post by Brock » Sun Feb 02, 2020 8:18 am

Our literature, and I expect the treatment facility, speaks of the possibility that some may not accept our attempt at amends, which in most cases is just an apology for past behavior, and an assurance to try to do better in future.

People do things under the influence of alcoholism which are extremely selfish, we hardly if ever think about other people. But now she is trying to change that, and while you may feel to give her a piece of your mind, and remind her of all the bad she did in the past, that is kind of selfish as well. If she seems truly sorry and promises to do better, why not just wish her well, that’s what you would want for yourself if things were reversed, and you were in her position.

Only if the person comes with excuses like, ‘I behaved badly but you were to blame also,’ then they don’t deserve our sympathy and good wishes, in ‘AA language,’ it’s just meant to be cleaning our side of the street. You don’t have to be all ‘wishy washy’ and say I forgive and forget, just try to understand that maybe they weren’t in control for a time and messed up, just saying something like, ‘I am happy you are trying to stay sober best of luck,’ is fine.

I kind of wonder how come you know you are on this list, it's meant to be a private thing, but then I suppose AA is done differently in certain recovery places.
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Layne
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Re: Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

Post by Layne » Sun Feb 02, 2020 8:35 am

Go into process with an open mind. Respond from your heart. Speak your truth, but try to avoid extremes of sugarcoating or scorched earth. If you are not interested in mending damage done to your relationship with her, then say so. If you need more time before moving forward at mending your relationship with her, then say so. If you need to see more of her actions before you decide whether to move forward with mending your relationship with her, then say so. You owe it to yourself to be honest, just remember that there is a fine line between brutal honesty and cruelty. You want to walk away feeling good about yourself. Listen to your heart and your soul, they won't steer you wrong.

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Re: Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

Post by tomsteve » Sun Feb 02, 2020 10:04 am

PrinceForever wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 7:47 am
Hi Everyone,

I have a family member who is going through the steps and is currently in a home for recovery. She is about to launch steps 8 and 9, and apparently, I am on the list for making amends. I am so conflicted about how to handle this. Should I be pleasant and supportive, or just say what I have thought about her behaviour and how it has affected me and be raw, the facts? It is complicated as she is my brother's wife, and if I had my way, she would just be gone. Years of abuse towards herself and others has dulled my empathy. I want to tell her what I think, but I don't want to be a Expletive. Help?
theres the option of not allowing her to make amends at this time.
very understandable how ya feel. my family didnt believe a dam thing from my mouth and they had no reason to.they heard im sorries a thousand times. they had to see the action,which a month or 2 of that wasnt enough. it took more than a year before they believed i was done drinking and changing my ways.

Akroyd
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Re: Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

Post by Akroyd » Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:00 am

Hear them out, maybe it will change how you feel. Our amends are a life or death errand to get over drinking. if you want to give them a piece of your mind by the end have at it. By the time I was in amends I knew how badly I had treated those around me, those I cared about most, how sick I’d been, I was feeling it and had no problems hearing what I had already seen on paper in the previous steps.

tomsteve
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Re: Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

Post by tomsteve » Sun Feb 02, 2020 2:18 pm

Akroyd wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:00 am
Our amends are a life or death errand to get over drinking.
yes it is. however, it isnt good to force amends on people that dont want to hear it, which theres a solution for that.

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PaigeB
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Re: Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

Post by PaigeB » Sun Feb 02, 2020 2:24 pm

PrinceForever wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 7:47 am
I want to tell her what I think, but I don't want to be a Expletive. Help?
So don't be an expletive. Of you don't want to hear it then say no to a meeting. She may write you a letter. Or hear what she has to say without interrupting. You might jot down a couple very important items you wish to say. Facts not feelings might be a prerequisite. Say those things - hear her response. IF you feel that there is nothing she can do to make things better between you two, then say that, nothing more. You are right about not wanting to be a meany, that might harm your relationship with your brother. She is his choice after all is said and done.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Spirit Flower
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Re: Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

Post by Spirit Flower » Sun Feb 02, 2020 5:44 pm

Sounds like your SIL is new to recovery and not yet on sound footing. Decades of bad behavior cannot be "amended" that quickly. It is ok to tell her to wait. Might even be good for her.
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MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: Help Me Respond to Someone Who Wants To Amend

Post by MyNameIsBetsy » Sun Feb 02, 2020 7:52 pm

I want to tell her what I think, but I don't want to be a Expletive.
How would you want her to respond to you if the situation were reversed?
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