The evenings

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becca2020
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The evenings

Post by becca2020 »

HI all,
Newbie here. I have tried to quit several times, but always seem to jump off the wagon after a few days. I am learning some unfortunate truths about myself - it is never just one, no matter how much I tell my self it will be, it isn't. it never is and I doubt it ever will be again.

Excess alcohol is taking away so much of me; my parenting ability - i don't have the patience or compassion i do sober, and i certainly don't have the love and warmth when woken at 4 am for milk! My work - my focus is gone, i used to be so conscientious but now i am un-focused and slow, my marriage - we don't fight but we don't connect as much now; my health - my weight and my running ability all depleted etc etc.

Despite this, every day on my drive home from work, i change from the quitting mindset to "just one" and I collect the kids, get them to bed and have a wine...and then more. I wake up hazy, angry at myself and I have done nothing i planned to the night before and get the fear and the inevitable scrolling through my phone to check messages etc happens. Then off I go to work, ready to quit....and the cycle repeats.

I just don't know how to stop this mental change happen every day. I feel utterly deflated and like I am out of control of my own actions. If I cant control me then how can i parent my children, or be a good wife/friend?

Anyway, sorry for the little rant in there, that just came out!!!

Becca X

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Brock
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Re: The evenings

Post by Brock »

Welcome here Becca, that was a fine post not a rant at all, it’s the sort of story heard at AA meetings, and on forums like these. Especially when you speak of being out of control where alcohol is concerned, accepting that absolutely, is step #1.

No one will try to fool you that you won’t be tempted at first, just like you managed a few days sober off and on in the past. The hope will be to give you tools like we were given, so when the real urge hits after a few days, you will be able to put up a defense. At first that might only be calling another AA, or coming on a forum like this, or going to a meeting, but gradually as you go through the steps, you will find the urge is gone. In it’s place we develop a new way of living, one that helps us cope with the little stresses and strains of modern life. It’s frustrating to try to describe the life possible with AA, the closest I can usually come, is simply that I had a pretty good life before alcohol cut me down, but never a better life than I have now.

Live meetings are very helpful especially at first, and not half as scary as the first thought of going usually is, just decent folks drinking coffee and talking about alcoholism. You don’t need to talk unless you want to, no pressure come or go as we want. I will put links to some literature you might look at, and please feel free to ask any questions or make any comments here.

Is A.A. For You – 12 Questions.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

A Brief Guide To AA.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-42_abriefguidetoaa.pdf

Three Chapters From The Big Book-

1.The Doctors Opinion.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

2.There Is A Solution.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

3.More About Alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

A.A. Meeting Finder.
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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PaigeB
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Re: The evenings

Post by PaigeB »

becca2020 wrote:
Fri Jan 03, 2020 6:43 am
always seem to jump off the wagon after a few days... it is never just one, no matter how much I tell my self it will ... it (n)ever will be again.
Despite this, every day on my drive home from work, i change from the quitting mindset to "just one" ...and then more. I wake up hazy, angry at myself ... Then off I go to work, ready to quit....and the cycle repeats.
...this mental change happen every day. I feel utterly deflated and like I am out of control of my own actions.
Becca X
I cut out some details to demonstrate that this is EXACTLY what most ALL alcoholics go through in the end days of drinking! Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. :?

And You talked specifically about me when you talked about Unconditional Love being lost - like milk at 4 am! But I was also not my best Loving self at 8 am and running late or at 5pm when the kids were excited and I wanted my beers. I drank through their entire growing years. You don't have to do that. We have a solution.

I cannot tell you how freeing it was to find out I had a disease. I know I know. It doesn't make any sense to be happy about a disease! But take heart in this: Now I know what I can DO about it. I don't have to struggle with talk of immorality or weakness! I have a mental twist that tells me this time I will drink like a normal person - I can drink safely if I just have everything in place! Twisted! But once I was able to embrace that I could never again drink SAFELY, that if I (me!) had any alcohol whatever the "phenomena of craving" sets in ~ that is me, Me, ME. THEN I was able to look around the room at the men and women of AA and see happy productive people telling me that I TOO COULD HAVE WHAT THEY HAVE provided I took the 12 Steps. If I wanted what they had I had to do what they did.

Please Read the Doctor's Opinion in the front of the Big Book. We read part of it last night at the meeting I was at. XXiii is the page we started on and read to the middle of the next page. It is not a big ask if you really want to know the nature of the physical part of our disease. Read Chapter Three for some stories about the mentality that precedes a spree! We CAN be restored to sanity!

I hope you can find what I have found. Check out an AA meeting near you. This disease only gets worse, never better. BUT You are on the road to a real and lasting solution!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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ebear
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Re: The evenings

Post by ebear »

Hi, Becca.

"Despite this, every day..."

That said it all. You describe the slow, frustrating torment of my own drinking compulsion! I absolutely could not stop on my own. I could be having a really good day--productive, happy, glad to have the poison out of my system for the past 18 hours or so--but then the craving would roll over me like a cloud shadow. Within a matter of minutes, I knew I would grab my jacket and keys and go buy a six pack, or a pint, or a large bottle of wine. Then I'd put my feet up and stare at TV reruns or scroll on my iPhone while drinking away the rest of the night.

I only broke the repetition by going to meetings and ending the isolation. I needed to add good things to my life (meetings, talking on the phone with AA friends, reading instead of watching Law & Order marathons). It got easier after a while, but honestly I had to be proactive. I had to stop waiting around in isolation for the urge with the hope of resisting it; I always lost that battle.

Now I have many tools: this forum, the Big Book, the 24-hour book, my telephone, my meetings. My daughters are 20 and 24, and they know I'm in AA, so sometimes I'll call them just to get a boost from being a dad and sharing some love, hearing about their days. I went to a meeting tonight and left still feeling a little low, so I called them to get out of my head. (My older one suggested that I watch a Disney movie!)

In short, this program, as many say, is a program of action. For me, good actions were and remain the most effective ways to drive away the kind of morose or restless feelings that I used to quell with booze.

Good luck to you! (Great title for this post, by the way!)
Last edited by ebear on Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:44 am, edited 2 times in total.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

LandCruiserFan
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Re: The evenings

Post by LandCruiserFan »

I knew I was powerless over alcohol when I discovered that I couldn’t stop myself from binge drinking almost every Saturday and Sunday. I had the same experience as you are each evening. Telling myself I wouldn’t/didn’t want to drink that coming weekend, the. Justifying just a few, then regretting it Monday morning after having drank 30-40 beers over the weekend.

Honestly only thing that has helped me quit (62 days so far) is to muster up the courage to go to a meeting, and say those words “I’m an alcoholic.” I found the community that can only be found in sharing with fellow AA’ers the only way so far to stay sober through the next weekend.

There’s no judgement here or at your meetings. This is something only fellow AAers can really understand.

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PaigeB
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Re: The evenings

Post by PaigeB »

LandCruiserFan wrote:
Tue Jan 07, 2020 9:45 am
There’s no judgement here or at your meetings. This is something only fellow AAers can really understand.
Hear Hear!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

Grateful23
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Re: The evenings

Post by Grateful23 »

I’m 16 days sober and everything I read in this string is exactly what I went through the last 10 years. I am focused on not taking that first drink and doing what others in the program suggest. Going to meetings takes the anxiety away and reading the big book and joining in forums like this is helping me. I’m grateful to everyone who shares. Feeling connected to others that share the same problem gives me so much hope.

MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: The evenings

Post by MyNameIsBetsy »

Feeling connected to others that share the same problem gives me so much hope.
Hi Grateful, welcome. Yes, that is the identification process. When AAers share honestly about our illness, others recognize themselves in the stories. And when we see ourselves in others' stories, we also see the possibility of our own recovery. That is hope. Welcome!

Betsy, an alcoholic
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."

Lavender
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Re: The evenings

Post by Lavender »

Hi Becca thanks for coming here for assistance.

The simple answer is that you are not ready to stop and you are not ready to admit that you are an alcoholic. Simple as that. My mentor used to say " when you've had enough pain you will stop".

Sounds harsh. Not meant as such. Meant as truth.

Good luck and keep on coming back. It will happen when the time is right.
Nothing can dim the Light that shines within you
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DaveP1951
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Re: The evenings

Post by DaveP1951 »

My mentor used to say " when you've had enough pain you will stop".

To add to that comment “When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change, you will change.

Catapaw
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Re: The evenings

Post by Catapaw »

Becca - What helped me a lot at the beginning was , of course, going to meetings, and the getting up each morning and have a meditation reading and prayer. For the time being, meetings might be online, of get some women's phone numbers from the local AA hotline (Intergroup). And keep coming back. Many of us had trouble at first "putting the plug in the jug."

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Brock
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Re: The evenings

Post by Brock »

Newcomers need to know that when they do the work the struggle to stay away from drink ends, as the book says -
That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
And staying in that fit spiritual condition is not difficult, it becomes a habit we enjoy.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

Mike O
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Re: The evenings

Post by Mike O »

Brock wrote:
Tue Jun 30, 2020 12:19 pm
Newcomers need to know that when they do the work the struggle to stay away from drink ends, as the book says -
That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
And staying in that fit spiritual condition is not difficult, it becomes a habit we enjoy.
Excellent post, Brock.
Simple!
:D

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