Trying again

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Trying again

Postby BenG23 » Sat Sep 15, 2018 5:43 pm

I was just recently in a relationship for 2 months, and doing great at hiding my alcoholism. Last night we were supposed to go to a concert, but I ended up day drinking, and was blackout drunk by 5. He called me to ask where I was at, and apparently I wasn't nice on the phone but don't remember. My feelings for him are pretty strong. Now he wants nothing to do with me. I feel so out of control and heart broken. I can't keep doing this. I just needed to write this down.
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Re: Trying again

Postby Mickholic » Sat Sep 15, 2018 6:25 pm

Hi BenG23, and welcome. I am new here too.
your post reminded me of the last months of my drinking, where one person after another, with good reason, shut me out of their lives, until I found myself all alone. These were the consequences of my drinking, not the cause yet for a long time I didn't see that. To get out of the misery I had to understand the cause, which was alcoholism, and what it means to be alcoholic.

The fact was that I had lost the power of choice in drink. I so often set out to do the right things, but could never pull it off. Others seemed to be able to do it. What was wrong with me? I was in the grip of a progressive illness which gets worse over time, and despite my best intentions and many firm decisions to quit for good, I could not stay stopped.

On top of that, when the inevitable happened and I took the fatal first drink, I lost control and did really stupid things often seriously betraying my own values. I had zero control from the start and most benders only stopped when I ran out of money or was too sick to continue.

There was something wrong with my memory, as far as I can see. The horrors of the morning, vaguely remembered events of the night before, the guilt, shame, remorse, fear, never stayed in my mind with any force for more than a few hours. The thoughts that should have stopped me, never came, so having sworn off in the morning a few hours later I am on my third drink before even remembering that I wasn't supposed to drink that day. But then the craving kicks in and the whole thing is out of control again. There does not appear to be any way to fix that memory thing. At certain times I will be without defence, I wont remember your story, I wont remember mine, it wont occur to me to call someone or play the tape through, I will just be smitten with the idea that a drink would be nice. That is how it was.

Yet there is a solution. Through the steps I found the Power to live a sober life, and to put it in very short form, the problem was removed. I don't have to remember, I don't have to say no, I don't think about drinking, I react sanely and normally, and all I need to do is follow a few simple rules. But I was not going to do that until I completely understood the seriousness of my situation.

The experience you have just had Ben, was just the sort of thing I needed to wake me up and get me on the path to better things. Come join us.
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Re: Trying again

Postby Brock » Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:58 pm

Welcome here BenG23.

Like yourself and Mike, I also drank myself out of promising relationships. I agree wholeheartedly with what Mike has said, especially the part of being at some times without a defense against the first drink, and the fact that the AA program completely removes the urge. It also had for me a side effect of opening up a more serene and happy life than I have ever known, it’s a wonderful program for living.

I will put up links to some literature, which hopefully you will have a look at when you have time, please feel free to ask any questions or make any comments here, we enjoy helping each other, and it helps us too.

Is A.A. For You – 12 Questions.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

A Brief Guide To AA.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-42_abriefguidetoaa.pdf

Three Chapters From The Big Book-

1.The Doctors Opinion.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

2.There Is A Solution.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

3.More About Alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

A.A. Meeting Finder.
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Trying again

Postby BenG23 » Sat Sep 15, 2018 8:07 pm

Thank you both for reaching out. I've tried quitting before, but this has been a definite wake up call. Sometimes I feel alone in the battle, and forget that there are others out there just like me. I feel as if I've lost something that I'll never be able to get back. Thank you for the resources as well.
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Re: Trying again

Postby Frihed89 » Sat Sep 15, 2018 9:20 pm

Hi BenG23, I really can't say much more than the two previous posters. All 4 of us (including you) have similar histories regarding relationships while drinking, and I have heard your history (and mine) from the mouths of many, many alcoholics (some in recovery, others not much) over the years I have been sober. In AA, you will not feel alone, we are all so similar in that respect. And like the others have pointed out, we have all had to make personal choices to become free, in our minds and behavior, of our addiction to alcohol.

Like Brock, I never imagined I could be so happy as I am now, before I joined AA. There's hope for people like us in AA, hope like you probably haven't felt in a long time. But there is more than just hope ahead for those who recover. At some point we stopped hoping for a happy life and began living one. AA taught me how to turn hope into actions that got me where I am today, which is pretty darn good.

It's a program of choices. It's not a pill.
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