Man I dont know what to do

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Man I dont know what to do

Postby jorgejohnson » Thu Apr 05, 2018 2:48 pm

So this is my story. I met this girl after a final breakup with my ex after 3 years on and off. we didnt take eachother serious so there was no commitment. I got caught cheating, we broke up and got back together briefly after. then again same thing happened. At the time i was drinking heavy and very bad 4 gram a night cocaine use. I had entered a inpaitent program due to a case i caught and we got back together before i went. she stood by me helped me out wrote me letters came to visit. 3 months of me being there i had found out on her birthday that she had been talking to her ex before i had cheated on her all the way up until i found out. she was trying to get him back and said she couldnt stop thinking of him and blamed alcohol. I had taken her back and i relapsed and did it again. After i had found out she stopped her drinking and stayed sober from alcohol for a couple months after an incident we had due to her drinking. We got back together and there was no trust there. 5 months after i wound up getting her prego, i had left her before that due to her accusations of me sleeping with someone else because her body reacted to my sperm. i had taken her back because i love her and for the baby. 1 month later i come out the program and wound up having a miscarriage. we were devastated but our love remained. She had taken it harder than i did and resulted in lies. I had found out that while we where trying to concieve again shes been going behind my back going out and partying. with slight cocaine use, but we know that you cant just have one. She claimed to. She lied about everything even after i asked her she lied about the things ive read and got upset with me for snooping. I took her back because i feel like since im sober she can eventually stop. She told me she would stop and not go out for a while to save our relationship. When i say how i feel she feels like im coming down on her and beating her up. which is not the case. She gets a drink and claims to have a problem where she keeps drinking. We had got into a big arguement due to lieing and drinking and cocaine use behind my back about a month ago and since she has had 3 occasions where she drinks. Today is going to be another one of those and i have relapsed with cocaine and alcohol in the past month. I dont know what to do. I love her to death but i cant stand the constant worries that if she goes out will she get drunk. why cant she just not drink, and not go out to bars anymore. Its a casual going away party for her general manger who i know nothing about. he was hosting one tomorrow but she didnt go because it wasnt good for our relationship. i dont want her to drink because were tryoing to concieve and taking prenatels and vitamins. but instead of going tomorrow shes gonna go today and have a couple drinks. which usually means end up drunk end up texting me stupid things and me trying to stay sober and a recovering addict it bothers me to see someone i love destroying their body. What do i do. am i wrong for feeling this way? countless conversations of change and still same outcome. I know that 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough, people places and things, i know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different outcome. But im giving up on trying to change this relaitonship and save my sanity. im giving up caring about this when it leads me into a depression and anxious state. Im giving up on this relationship and the even want to concieve with her any longer. im giving up on hope with this and I didnt know where to turn so i came here.
Been together 2 years in 2 months and im slowly drifting away asking myself if this is even worth it. What am i doing here? we cannot communicate because it leads into her twisted what im saying as negativity and disrespect. please i need advice man. i want to drink. i had one beer yesterday after a month of sobriety. what do i Do can I please Get help?
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Re: Man I dont know what to do

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Apr 05, 2018 3:30 pm

You got to put sobriety first. Find a sponsor and start working the 12 steps. All others will be restored later.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Man I dont know what to do

Postby jorgejohnson » Thu Apr 05, 2018 3:38 pm

thank you for responding, man i want to live a life where no one around me indulges on activities that make you mentally impair and irrational. i Love her and she been my support. But i dont feel like i can fight my demons and deal with hers at the same time. I really dont want to leave her were going to miami like next week but idont know what to do. At this point i feel lost and confused. I feel as though if i leave i would have just threw away something so special to me. and the only thing that really matters to me. is there a way to battle both and stay strong with her or is there no way i can do this
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Re: Man I dont know what to do

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Apr 05, 2018 4:16 pm

I dont think its possible early in recovery. Even now I struggle to handle my wife sometimes. I am so glad that I have this program and the fellowship without it, I would have been long gone.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Man I dont know what to do

Postby jorgejohnson » Thu Apr 05, 2018 4:18 pm

I honeestly applaud you. can you tell me how you deal with your wife? She is my wife to be and i need advice on how i can do this
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Re: Man I dont know what to do

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Apr 06, 2018 4:20 am

You got to get busy quickly. The first step is to understand the nature of the disease. All the drama going on in your life at this moment, if you dont see the selfishness self-centeredness, you will be stuck in the vicious cycle. All those are un-manageability. If you don't accept the condition as is, you are going to get restless irritable and discontented. And your mind will keep tricking you into taking that 1 beer. And that one beer will lead you to more beers and other outside stuff. Looking back, always I went back to alcohol because I couldn't deal with some current situation (then). We accept (if you are an atheist) or if you are a believer you turn it to your God. Its the same thing. And you realize reading other stories in the book or see people in the rooms get sober, that this 12 steps can help you too. Then you turn your will and life to the care of a power you understand. What does it mean? It wont mean a great lot at this moment. You start putting pen to the paper. Write down all the stuff that is not working for you at this moment (you already did in the first post), but we are to make a thorough inventory. Look at the stuff that is un-manageable to you at this moment. Probably you can do this in few days. Send me private message with your inventory. I can help you highlight the selfishness and self-centeredness in each one of.

Always remember, you girl-friend could still drift away from you but your your sobriety cannot be contingent upon she staying with you. If she does great, if not its ok. Perhaps you will get a different person. Again its about acceptance or turning over to your HP.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Man I dont know what to do

Postby Blue Moon » Fri Apr 06, 2018 5:12 am

OK you're all over the place right now, aren't you? Life is clearly unmanageable whether you're drunk or dry.

You could make a decision: what is your main focus going to be for the next 6 months? If you decide to focus on sobriety for 6 months, it doesn't mean you must decide anything else, just that everything else is on hold as you carry out this decision.

That would give you time and space to get your head a bit straighter. Sometimes other answers present themselves naturally, once we stop trying to find them.
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Re: Man I dont know what to do

Postby 1Peter5:10 » Sat Apr 07, 2018 5:41 am

Blue Moon wrote:...

You could make a decision: what is your main focus going to be for the next 6 months?

..... Sometimes other answers present themselves naturally, once we stop trying to find them.


I can definitely echo that.

I'll share a bit more of my story later, (there are similarities between mine and yours), but absolutely you have to decide on what your main focus will be for the coming period. That is an absolute.
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Re: Man I dont know what to do

Postby 1Peter5:10 » Sat Apr 07, 2018 1:54 pm

Hi Jorge, I am Bob and I was a low-bottom drunk.

I tend to over-complicate things so please bear with me.

I simply did not have the time to
- keep a full time job (something I had not done in years)
- AND focus on my recovery,
- AND fix a romantic relationship.

All three at once? Who was I kidding? Thirty days earlier I could not do even ONE of those things.

A relationship, even maintaining an already-healthy relationship, requires time and attention. Trying to start or repair one requires even more time and attention. Frankly speaking, my addiction was not simply a minor nuisance in my life it had destroyed my life and my first year recovery would require my full attention.

I HAD to make the decision to "let it ride" that first year. Pretending I could make it all work was childish of me. Facing hard truths is what a man does.

I didn't end it. I didn't fix it. I simply surrendered to the fact that since my life, (not just my addiction) had become unmanageable, I wasn't going to be able to fix addiction and work and a fractured relationship right away.
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Re: Man I dont know what to do

Postby 1Peter5:10 » Sun Apr 08, 2018 2:51 pm

The NA Stepworking Guide aka "The Flatbook," describes addiction as a disease of obsession and compulsion.

Some of us are also obsessed video gamers, or we obsess over past wrongs done to us. We can be very stubborn people who refuse to admit wrong or failure.

From that viewpoint, addiction, including alcoholism can be described as what happens when an obsessive person becomes a recreational drinker.

In romance we often fall in love hard, or become obsessed with putting more notches on our bedpost, or can't let go of a relationship long after a normal person would have done so.

I spent 24 years in a dysfunctional marriage and going through the steps helped me identify my bad tendencies in relationships, I was clinging, I assumed that relationships were deeper than they actually were and I had a VERY difficult time getting over them when they were finished.

So, in addition to the time and attention factors I mentioned above, you might be better off if you let your relationship ride until you've managed to heal some and sort out some feelings and possible faults.

Besides, spending time with her might be a trigger for you, especially if she uses or if you two have an argument.

I don't know how similar your case is to mine, but in my case I "let it ride," and thay proved a very very valuable decision in my first year.
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