Struggling

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DPF1981
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Struggling

Post by DPF1981 » Sat Dec 19, 2015 1:44 am

I have been in (and out) of AA for twelve years -- once with five years and once with three. For the last six months I have lied to every person I know: my wife (on whom I have cheated multiple times) who thinks I am sober...I've lied to my best friends in the program, and I've lied every time I have shared. I have taken dirty chips. I lie to my sponsor every single day that I check in. I am dishonest in pretty much all things (even if I do thinks I'm a reasonably honest person). The fact is that I can't stay sober. It's not the quantity of booze - I drank (and used then) far more years ago than I do now. But it's the surreptitious beers under the guise of work or, even worse, going to a meeting. I am a liar and I am terrified -- more than that I just don't want to be who I am right now.

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Tosh
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Re: Struggling

Post by Tosh » Sat Dec 19, 2015 2:27 am

Hi DPF,

I'm not going to teach you to suck eggs, mate, you know what you have to do.

If I were you, I'd start getting honest with my sponsor and take it from there.

If you do the right things you could actually transform this shitty situation into something very good.

And you're not the first, nor will you be the last, to be in this kind of situation; I've done it too and have celebrated an A.A. birthday that I shouldn't have (because I drank and told no-one). Eventually I coughed up to my sponsor, who then suggested I get honest with my homegroup and partner.

I did. My homegroup were lovely and an old timer came upto me after the meeting and congratulated me for being brave.

Welcome to the forum.

Tosh
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

Robert R
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Re: Struggling

Post by Robert R » Sat Dec 19, 2015 2:47 am

Welcome friend and thanks for the reminder of the insanity. The realisation that I could be as honest as I made up my mind to be was a revelation revealed to me in AA. When I got honest two things occurred. I discovered that most everybody had known I was lying anyway! Alcohol lost a bit of its power over me.
I heard a man with 19 years share his journey and identified 100% with his drinking thinking. I asked for his help. He led me through the steps.
I now identify with his sober thinking :D
Honesty was and is essential to my sober living/thinking.
There is truth in the quote "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path"
I had to stop swimming in the muddy waters of my own mind and climb aboard AA's lifeboat. The SS Honesty! There is plenty of room for you too my friend.
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.

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avaneesh912
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Re: Struggling

Post by avaneesh912 » Sat Dec 19, 2015 4:54 am

more than that I just don't want to be who I am right now.
Thats a good place to be in. Thats a surrendered state. Follow the suggestions already provided by others. Peace.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

No.3
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Getting Honest

Post by No.3 » Sat Dec 19, 2015 11:54 am

I am dishonest in pretty much all things (even if I do thinks I'm a reasonably honest person.)
I don't understand this: Dishonest is not Honest. It's like "a little bit pregnant?"

I think 'one foot in, one foot out' is b.s. and I am in full agreement with A.A. on this point: an alcoholic who genuinely wants to stop has to get honest, Make a Decision. If you really don't want to stop, that's your business too. Come back when you're ready. Pray for Willingness to be Honest in the meanwhile? It can't hurt.

I've had sponsees who were liars, mandated to meetings, asking for my help. Most had ulterior motives, NOT Sobriety. (I have great difficulty perceiving the clever, insincere psychopath*.) Few stopped lying, almost all quickly relapsed. I see a strong correlation between Dishonesty and the Inability to Stop Using. I don't know what else to say to these poor, doomed unfortunates... other than to suggest PRAY! I believe miracles happen, too.

Some addict/alcoholics need to be physically separated from alcohol in an inpatient detox, before the 12-Steps worked for them. Investigating that option is recommended, especially for those who cannot stop cold turkey for a continuous month, with or without AA.

What works? Ask for Help, resolve to be FULLY Honest to yourself, identify any/all Reservations, practice Accountability w/ trusted supporters and get totally active in recovery. No more half-measures, shortcuts, self-will excuses allowed, sorry!

The choice is mine/yours, obviously.

*Habitual pathological liars may have a neurotic or more severe psychiatric condition. We shouldn't play doctor here; for that, seek professional medical counsel as commonsense dictates.
Last edited by No.3 on Sat Dec 19, 2015 11:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
"The Group demands total loyalty to the inner group. Some have had to leave the movement because of the Groups' demands which conflict with truth or duty." The Oxford Groups by Herbert H. Henson, 1933, pages 73-74.

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Chelle
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Re: Struggling

Post by Chelle » Sat Dec 19, 2015 11:58 am

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Last edited by Chelle on Sun Apr 17, 2016 6:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

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leejosepho
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Re: Struggling

Post by leejosepho » Sun Dec 20, 2015 5:43 am

DPF1981 wrote:The fact is that I can't stay sober.
That is Step One, that was my own deal and that is why today's AA and its "Don't drink" and/or one-day-at-a-time sobriety could never have worked for me.

If you are willing and ready to stop trying to stop drinking and to accept the original A.A. approach to permanent recovery, I would gladly help you learn to do what is in our book.
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
=======================

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tyg
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Re: Struggling

Post by tyg » Tue Dec 22, 2015 1:21 am

I'm glad you posted here and have started talking about it. Maybe it is time to start getting honest with everyone else now. We do not get different results when we keep repeating the same ol things over and over again. It can seem very terrifying because we are driven by many types of fears and we don't yet have any tools to move through them. It seems it is becoming clear how fears, secrets and dishonesty keep us stagnate and sick....creating an unmanageable life. I can tell by your post you already know what needs to be done. It will set you free and change your life. You too can recover and have a happy contented life.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Welcome to the forum...Keep posting
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~

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Re: Struggling

Post by Larryp713 » Tue Dec 22, 2015 1:24 pm

You're at the jumping off point. It will never be less painful to deal with than today, so just take that first step. Come clean with God first, and pray for his will for you. Next, I would get straight with your sponsor and start to share honestly. I think most people in recovery would not judge you too harshly. I lied for years and years, and that is its own prison. Bless you, and I hope you are able to take the next right action. That is all any of us can do. Larry
Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny!!!

jbr999
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Re: Struggling

Post by jbr999 » Wed Dec 23, 2015 9:30 am

The first step is to fully admit that you've been dishonest in most or all of your dealings with other people. Your post confessing your dishonesty shows honesty. It's easier to do in these forums than at a real meeting, or in real life. It's a start, and it's certainly better than not doing it at all. Dishonesty arises from fear. Fear of ridicule and embarrassment, fear of censure, fear of people getting mad at you. Yes, when you own up to your dishonesty, people WILL be upset, especially those close to you--they will feel betrayed. This is where the 9th step comes in. Like it says in the BB, 'we pocket our pride and go to it'. Lying and fear are a vicious cycle, each reinforcing the other. They are a source of great emotional pain. The pain is unbearable, so we need something to make it go away. Alcohol is an easily accessible and almost instantaneous painkiller (in the short term). That's why you can't stay sober. Once you start being honest, the exhilaration of freedom will spur you on, and you won't need the painkiller anymore.

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Re: Struggling

Post by GreatD » Fri Dec 25, 2015 12:01 pm

Glad I clicked this. You sound a little like me. I lied to everyone. I thought that I was incapable of being honest with myself. It's a work in progress. I can start with my sobriety date. I can be honest with myself about that.

I would be careful coming clean to everyone. Wife may not be able to take it and make things worse. Sponsor? Yes.

I'll probably go to the grave with some of my secrets...but it's because sharing them would do more harm than good. I'm not strong enough yet to keep getting the 3rd degree over things I already feel terrible about

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PaigeB
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Re: Struggling

Post by PaigeB » Fri Dec 25, 2015 12:39 pm

At least tell your sponsor... or a clergyman. It is our secrets keep us sick.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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