Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

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mazieblack
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Joined: Wed Sep 09, 2015 6:01 am

Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by mazieblack »

Can we get some advice on this situation as described below:
FEMALE new comer (now at 5 months) has a MALE neighbor with 30 years sobriety
since new comer arrival, neighbor starts attending all new comer's meetings (including Beginner Mtgs/Back to Basic etc), starts gossiping (truths and untruths) about new comer, constantly asks other group members about new comer, gossips about new comer's new-found sobriety friends, attempts to befriend all new comer associates.
The neighbor had not been attending these meetings for at least 10 years (per meeting regular members)
New comer is not comfortable with attention, cannot share in meetings.
New comer has changed meetings patterns regularly, but neighbor asks other members if new comer is ok, if new comer has been seen at meetings. Other members (innocently) assure new comer was seen at X meeting, neighbor appears at next X meeting.
Neighbor watches new comer house, reports activity to other members
New comer is frazzled, very upset.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Duke
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Re: Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by Duke »

Sorry you're frazzled Mazie. I talked to my sponsor about issues like this during early sobriety.

Believe it or not, there was an older female member who pursued me pretty relentlessly during early sobriety. She had mixed motives. It bothered me a lot.

Finally, I worked up the courage, and had a talk with her. I thanked her for her interest, but asked if she would please help me out by ratcheting back the personal attention.

She left in a huff and I didn't see much of her after that. Despite her hurt feelings, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. Of course, I only did it after talking it through at length with my sponsor.

Believe it or not, you may just be learning how to deal with uncomfortable situations in a healthy way.

I hope to hear more from you.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa

mazieblack
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Re: Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by mazieblack »

Hi Duke,
Thank you for your response and suggestion. The New Comer has spoken directly with the neighbor many times - in tones from nice to furious (and in between). But to no avail. The new comer started with the nice approach and has been so frustrated that now it is difficult to remain calm at all times.
When neighbor is asked to not contact, not talk, not share about new comer, the requests are ignored. At times, neighbor/old timer uses program "jargon" to defend the gossip and interventions. As if pushing unwanted attention on anyone is ever in line with the 1st Tradition!
It is very unnerving.
And while it is realized that the old timer is indeed a sick person, the new comer is also sick but is still willing to learn how apply the program principles.
There is fear - the male old timer does follow the female new comer in the parking lots, hangs late at meetings while she is trying to avoid him, walks past her house/in her yard daily.
So - what to do when NO is not accepted?

2granddaughters

Re: Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by 2granddaughters »

mazieblack wrote:Hi Duke,

So - what to do when NO is not accepted?
What would you do if it wasn't an AA oldtimer? .... call the police.
Warn him once, call the police the second time.

Stick with your sponsor and the oldtimers (good oldtimers). As is the case "This too shall pass".

All the best.

Bob R

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Brock
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Re: Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by Brock »

I agree with Bob on this one, using AA as an excuse to stalk someone is unacceptable, the police giving him a warning should do the trick, he is bringing the trust associated with ‘good old-timer’s’ into disrepute.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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Duke
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Re: Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by Duke »

I agree. Stalking is stalking no matter the reason for doing it.

I might try talking to him with your sponsor or other appropriate female present first, however. Your call. What's clear is you don't have to smile and take it.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa

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clouds
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Re: Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by clouds »

This is scary. Call police, and as others suggest, talk to your sponsor and ask some one to accompany you to talk straight sense to him.

I hope by today you were able to take some kind of affirmative action and things are resolved?
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.

mazieblack
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Re: Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by mazieblack »

Hi All - And THANK YOU for the suggestions.
This fellowship is true and "real".
While this program helps us not over-react, your responses have helped confirm thoughts that have been pondered.

catcar
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Re: Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by catcar »

If old timer does not back off call the cops. This is stalking

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positrac
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Re: Old Timer Invading New Comer Privacy

Post by positrac »

catcar wrote:If old timer does not back off call the cops. This is stalking
If you have proof of this situation I might suggest getting a TRO. Video in your car and or at your home could provide some shred of proof of some validation of violation you seem to be feeling. I don't know your past and what may of occurred before you got sober to make this person do what you are saying they are doing.

You have a responsibility to yourself to step up and use the system and either move and or go to different meetings and change things up.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
George Allen, Sr.

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