My "mum" died.

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My "mum" died.

Post by Annegirl »

I got word last night that my cousin, who I considered my mum died on September 29th while in Cypress on vacation. She apparently passed peacefully. she lived in England so they are having to fly her body back to the UK. My heart is breaking...she was the kindest person I've ever known and loved completely.

This is the first death that I'm dealing with completely sober. It sucks, but I'm doing it. A

Because of my addiction...and all the crap I was going through over the past year I've not called her often and contact had been sporadic. I know that I owe her an amend... But how do you make an amend with someone who's gone?


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Re: My "mum" died.

Post by Tosh »

Hi Anne,

Ah, that's sad. I'm so sorry about your loss and well done for dealing with it sober.

As for making that amend to your Mum, that's simple (but not easy). Your Mum loves you, she wants you to be happy; so live a good and decent life - be useful to others - (this will make YOU happy) and you'll making that amend to your Mum everyday.

And you could write her a letter; I've not done that - maybe I should to my own father - but I've heard people in A.A. writing letters of amends to people who have passed away.

I wish I had more.


Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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Re: My "mum" died.

Post by danderisup »

Hugs, we are never prepared to lose our "Mum".

I agree that living a productive life, putting her example of love and caring into action in your own life and those you are in contact with is a wonderful way to make this amend.

Writing a letter is a commonly suggested method as well. I have found speaking to a photo or speaking to them at their grave to be extremely powerful.

You mentioned not visiting or calling as much as you could have, is there another relative or person who needs some love and attention that you could make an effort with?

Giving to a charity in memory of them is powerful, especially if there is a financial amend owed.

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Re: My "mum" died.

Post by TonyWARMS »

Condolences. It is never easy to lose a loved one, especially one so special to you.
But, the way I look at it when those feelings stir up ( and, will again), I ask would they want me to be so sad for them that I "harm" myself?
It will only make things worse by adding to your misery.
Ask yourself why you feel so powerful a need to quit your old ways, and how could drinking, or using, in any way make it better?
Not only will you feel worse tomorrow, but your problems will still be there , bigger than ever, not to mention your sadness.
There is nothing more you can do for "mum", but live your life the best way you can to honor her.
You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Peace, Anne :) , Tony
"Nothing comes to stay. Everything comes to pass".
(I don't know where I heard this)

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Re: My "mum" died.

Post by PaigeB »

Hi Anne. So sad to hear of your loss. This is a life changing event for anyone, but for those of us who are sober, we have the freedom to make this a change in ourselves for the better.

There are some really good ideas for how to make amends. I personally spoke to the picture and donated money to my Dad's favorite charity. Also I am helping others in the community in a way that would make my Dad even more proud of me than he already was.

I say that knowing he did not see me sober. He still loved me and he was still proud of me - of these things I am sure. He was too loving to hold anything resentful against me. He would want me to move past my grief and be a productive person.

I wanted to address the grief. I will always remember the first death I experienced as a sober person. I thought I had a duty to be mournful and act sad. But, like the grouch and the brainstorm, I do not handle this type of morbid reflection very well at all. The most important thing I learned is that no matter how I feel it is my DUTY to be of service to others. If I am mired in depression I am not very effective.

So do not stay too sad for too long. Talk to your sponsor, make those amends and go shake hands with all the drunks at a meeting... or help out in a soup kitchen. WE MUST share the love in order to feel it.

Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Re: My "mum" died.

Post by Lali »

I'm so sorry for your loss. I will suggest to you what I suggest to others. Stick close to the fellowship during this hard time. And when I say fellowship I mean this group here at e-aa well as your face to face meetings. Help another alcoholic if the opportunity presents itself. When we help others, it helps us as well.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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Re: My "mum" died.

Post by Duke »

As others have suggested, I've found the best cure for these "woulda, shoulda, coulda" events, is to find how you can be of living service to others in the present. We can't change the past, but we can choose what we do now. The power of loving choices in the present is incalculable.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa

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Re: My "mum" died.

Post by derek »

Hi Anne, when my wife lost her daughter, we decided to talk about her right from the beginning not to hide the loss .
It was awkward at first with people but we found it better for us,& gradually the pain got less & less. We also made sure we didn,t drink ,that would not have helped in anyway.
I am sorry for your loss . take care derek

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Re: My "mum" died.

Post by stilljohnny »

My condolenses. My sobriety birthday is 10/22/93, do the math; however, the "24 hour a day" had my message. It stated that not even the death of a love one should justify me drinking again. Stay prayed up and close to your home group members. Much Love!!

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