Relationship

For recovery discussion
KathrynW
Forums Newcomer
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2013 5:45 am

Relationship

Post by KathrynW »

In this thread you can share anything about relationship. As i am in a realationship i have some problems, Feel free to post.

User avatar
avaneesh912
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 5334
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: Relationship

Post by avaneesh912 »

Sure, part of writing inventory is to find where were selfish, self-centered with regards to relationship with others. May be you can give us a brief account of whats going on in your life. We can probably point out the self-esteem, pride, fear, security/insecurity, ambition, controlling so you can pray and work on overcoming those.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

danderisup
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 143
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:28 pm

Re: Relationship

Post by danderisup »

I am in a relationship with another recovering alcoholic.

I've been rethinking a lot of "pat" beliefs about relationships lately, due to my own and watching my best friend going through some things in hers. She and I have been besties since the start of these relationships so we have been through everything together.

It would be real easy and convenient to be able to point the finger at substance abuse no matter what issue comes up. Had to break that habit.

Also, had to set aside the Dr Phil syndrome...(my name for it) that there is this particular model of a healthy relationship and when ever any relationship doesn't beat the Dr Phil standard, it's sick, needs to be worked on, counseled, etc etc etc.

The other day someone asked me if it's possible to have a successful relationship with someone in recovery...and I had to scratch my head...what constitutes successful?

Neither my relationship with my BF nor my best friends and hers would win the Dr Phil standard gold medal, because we are all human.

Life is really challenging. He and I are currently better able to meet it's challenges together than apart.

I hear Dr Phil is getting divorced. So who really knows?

kenyal
Forums Long Timer
Posts: 560
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:17 am

Re: Relationship

Post by kenyal »

I'd guess you'd call it a relationship. We've been together almost 8 years now and I love her a ton, and she feels the same. It's been mostly long distance except for the 3 years we lived together. And I saw her for a couple of months steady close to a year ago now.

So we've given up the weirdness of being apart so much. We recently bought a house and will be living together and doing the usual arrangements from now on. We've had one argument in the 8 years, but living together in a new home in a new town with new friends will be a big adjustment for us, and it's reasonable to expect that she'll be wrong about something eventually.

She's looking forward to doing AA with me and working with some sponsees here. Possibly going back to school to finish her doctorate or going to work...still undecided.

I've no interest in doing anything but enjoying her and our remaining time together. The years are adding up, and our remaining time is too limited for silly drama. Looking forward to this next new period of our journey together.

User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 3743
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: Relationship

Post by Tosh »

I live with my partner, I work with my partner (closely) - we even have the same hobby (running) - so we run together, go to running club together, even travel to races together. Earlier this year we did a mountain running weekend and even shared the same tent together.

I'm living in what some Buddhists would call a 'hell realm'. :lol:

Like all couples we have our ups and downs, but one thing I've noticed is that when I attempt to be kind to her (not a door mat mind) over a prolonged period of time (it takes some time to wear her down, she's tough), that she actually makes the effort to try and be kind to me. And we've had some lovely periods during our relationship when we've both really made the effort to be kind to each other. It's pretty wonderful when it happens. It takes effort though and often I can be lazy.

But as I say, we have our ups and downs. As I sit here, I can't remember the last time we've had an argument! Something's working and I think trying to apply the program to my family life is what makes the difference.

P.S. Here's a little tip if you have a bad-tempered partner. The next time they lose their temper with you - say absolutely nothing; do not react at all. Give them a few seconds to reflect upon what they've just said and see what happens. It works wonders with Mrs Tosh when she's come in from a run tired and I've trashed the kitchen and she goes off on one. :lol: She has even been known to apologise after she's reflected on what she's just said. Manipulation? Maybe, but anything that leads to a calmer and more peaceful co-existence, I'm game for.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

Ibis
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:42 pm

Re: Relationship

Post by Ibis »

Thanks for the topic. I was ready (I thought) to do my 5th Step & something kept nagging at me. I had completely left off my husband of 23 yrs. & I have a lot of anger & resentments. Some justified, and some not. It's like Tosh said, we run a business together & that is tough! He is the "boss". Running your own business is stressful. He has a bad temper & I "stuff it" & it comes out in other ways. I realize I have made the situation much worse. But I just stopped working AA. Just stopped. It's been about a month now & I was learning so much here. I was becoming patient in my f2f meetings even tho they are not "real" AA. Until I am willing to change them, I figured I'd keep my mouth shut & if I spoke, I would speak from my heart & my BB. But then I just quit. I am past "angry, irritable & discontent" to awful & I can feel my depression quietly sneaking in right behind lazy. I haven't posted in a while & still have a set of Step 5 questions to respond to. Did I mention feeling guilty too? Not drinking.............yet.

Hi folks. I'm Ibis & I am an alcoholic.
Keep It Simple

danderisup
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 143
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:28 pm

Re: Relationship

Post by danderisup »

Ibis wrote:Thanks for the topic. I was ready (I thought) to do my 5th Step & something kept nagging at me. ... I haven't posted in a while & still have a set of Step 5 questions to respond to. Did I mention feeling guilty too? Not drinking.............yet.
There are 12 steps. I think that getting stopped in the middle is a sort of torture, because if we fall back down, it's going to hurt from such a height. On the other hand, having gotten part way, we have had a glimpse of what's up there and the idea that we aren't there yet can be very frustrating.

what do you mean, you're not drinking ...YET? come on now, relapse is NOT inevitable. There does not have to be a YET. You can do this. hugs.

Ibis
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:42 pm

Re: Relationship

Post by Ibis »

Hey Dander,

Thanks for the response. I have gone a lot of years without drinking but I was finally getting it & then just stopped. Your right. I had a "taste" & it was so good. After I finished my Step 4 (including hubby) I was really rockin'. Told my husband how much better I thought things were. And they were! For me. His response was "I think they have gotten worse". He isn't alcoholic but he sure can act like one. I am sure living with me has not been what he dreamed either. After 23 years, I am not surprised but I was hurt. I am my own worst enemy. I am going to get back to work & move forward today.

Thanks again Dander.
Keep It Simple

stilljohnny
Forums Newcomer
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Oct 09, 2013 5:04 am

Re: Relationship

Post by stilljohnny »

Relationships, intimate ones, call for commitment. Amazingly recovery requires this same element. You do the math!!

Lali
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 4296
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: Relationship

Post by Lali »

Yes, but it requires a heck of a lot more than that in my opinion. My first attempt at a sober relationship failed miserably :oops: but I'm okay with that because I learned a lot.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

danderisup
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 143
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:28 pm

Re: Relationship

Post by danderisup »

Would be awesome if my partner had the attributes of my HP...ain't necessarily so.

Sometimes booze is the third partner in a relationship and when the drinker gets sober, the other partner finds out THEY miss the booze!

Partners are not always committed to the same thing.

I hear in the rooms "You only attract someone as sick as yourself". Sometimes both people aren't committed to getting well.

danderisup
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 143
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:28 pm

Re: Relationship

Post by danderisup »

Two alcoholics get into a relationship...stop me if you've heard this one.

Three years later we have two recovering alcoholics in the relationship.

I've gotten a lot of "how do you expect to make THAT work" and "You are both headed for relapse"

But yeah, there is that thing called commitment. Our relationships CAN'T be healthy...right?

Healthy relationship is a definition that seems to change with the times.
I have gal pals tell me that I shouldn't be with a man until I am financially independent, emotionally self contained, and don't "need" a relationship.

Now WHY would ANYONE do the work of a relationship if they didn't need it in any way, shape or form? Why bother? yet I am repeatedly told the only way to have a healthy relationship is to not need one, not care if one is in one, be ready and able to walk out of one on a moment's notice.

My BF and I NEED each other for both emotional and practical reasons. Just like throughout pretty much all of human history that I've ever read. There's no shame in that.

I think the key to a healthy relationship is...that we are calling ourselves and our partner to be their best self, rather than enabling them to be their worst self.

So yeah, two alcoholics, now recovering alcoholics may not be the ideal for today's modern healthy relationship, but we are calling one another to be our best self.

Hat's off to all the self actualized wonderkins of the world who can take it or leave it.

TonyWARMS
Forums Contributor
Posts: 446
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2013 7:48 pm
Location: Outside of Chicago

Re: Relationship

Post by TonyWARMS »

Hi, dander
I would tell those people you appreciate their concern, and opinions, but ultimately, it's none of their business.
As for the original poster, Katharine, you will have to decide what is best for you, and your mental health :wink: , and sobriety.

Peace, Tony :)
"Nothing comes to stay. Everything comes to pass".
(I don't know where I heard this)

Lali
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 4296
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: Relationship

Post by Lali »

danderisup wrote:Two alcoholics get into a relationship...stop me if you've heard this one.

Three years later we have two recovering alcoholics in the relationship.

I've gotten a lot of "how do you expect to make THAT work" and "You are both headed for relapse"

But yeah, there is that thing called commitment. Our relationships CAN'T be healthy...right?

Healthy relationship is a definition that seems to change with the times.
I have gal pals tell me that I shouldn't be with a man until I am financially independent, emotionally self contained, and don't "need" a relationship.

Now WHY would ANYONE do the work of a relationship if they didn't need it in any way, shape or form? Why bother? yet I am repeatedly told the only way to have a healthy relationship is to not need one, not care if one is in one, be ready and able to walk out of one on a moment's notice.

My BF and I NEED each other for both emotional and practical reasons. Just like throughout pretty much all of human history that I've ever read. There's no shame in that.

I think the key to a healthy relationship is...that we are calling ourselves and our partner to be their best self, rather than enabling them to be their worst self.

So yeah, two alcoholics, now recovering alcoholics may not be the ideal for today's modern healthy relationship, but we are calling one another to be our best self.

Hat's off to all the self actualized wonderkins of the world who can take it or leave it.
So cool, dander!
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

jorge
Forums Newcomer
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2013 6:08 am

Re: Relationship

Post by jorge »

Thank you for the topic
I've been in one of those relationships where both of us have emotional difficulties. Beer has become my obssesion. After 31 years my wife decided that she needs to get away from me. This has been hard to deal with, yet since she drinks, her not being around is at least keeping the beer out of the house. Not that it would stop me if I decided to have some. However, at least it puts one more physical step between me and the beer. Gives me an extra chance to say no. I need to find a sponsor. My temporary sponsor is a good guy but I don't really feel confortible with him.

I do miss my wife. I've never been alone. and now my sleep disorders are kicked into high gear. Its going to be a tough road
thanks again

Post Reply