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Reconciliation? Trying not to project.

Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 12:47 am
by Sweeney
I am not sure of where to go with this, so I've come here.

My situation atm is my partner of nearly 7 years (today would have been our anniversary) ended our relationship a 3-4 months ago (I wasn't aware of this until about 6-8 weeks ago). We still get on well, there was not an explosive argument that forced the end of your relationship but rather my continued behaviour after I got sober (I started working this program of recovery last Aug) whilst I did work the program I did not work the spiritual aspect and subsequently I continued to search for worth outside of myself and our relationship (I chatted explicitly with strangers on apps from my phone) this was not for sexual gratification but to gain a measure of worth (I know this now did not then, I have been doing this since I was a teenager and never thought it was cheating it was something I did to feel whole. It is cheating) I continued to do this even after I stopped drinking, I made promises (much like the ones I had made that I'd quit drinking) but couldn't stop I did for a time believe that I was a sexual compulsive but after working step 3 in my daily life I have not felt the need to commit any of these acts, I feel whole, like I had to chop every last bit of my false self down as I'd lost the only part of me that is authentic and genuine. It's small and it's precious to me. I don't remember not being able to control my feelings (there's always been a distance or an avenue for my escape but I can't minimise, deny, turn my back on or run away from my feelings now) I'm feeling my feelings and it's frightening. I read the big book and the chapter for the family after and I think that if we were still in a place to be together then I'd be less frightened and more joyful (I have some joy but waves of panic/distress/intimidation flow over me often)

Anyway we still share a space and spend a lot of time together, we enjoy one another's company, we are making plans to do things in the future (take trips, buy a van and travel) but she has said there will never be a chance of us being together again. These words she spoke a few weeks ago but her behaviour seems to contradict this statement. I am trying to not project but she gave me a hug yesterday as we waited for the lift (mental to be so excited about a hug, I know) I understand that she may be saying there is no chance so I don't use it as a crack to crowbar my way back in to her affections. I have no desire to coerce, manipulate, deceive her or anyone else any more. She has said that we wants/needs to date again as she has little or no trust for people and she wants to feel attractive again, she is seeing a guy. We have both changed so much and she has admitted that she never used to accept compliments well (so eventually I stopped paying them) but this post isn't about her it's about me, my action/inaction, my desire for a healthy loving relationship with the woman who saved my life and I do have a relationship with her it's just not the one I've had faith in for 8 years (I first met her 8 years ago).

I have faith in what I have faith in and I am doing what I need to do to stay healthy today. I just have to keep on keeping on and if it's meant to be then my Higher Power will put it in my path. I hear of people in recovery who lost partners/ significant others and reconciled in recovery and I have hope that once she know that this is the true me and not a phase (like my towards the end of my drinking I could stop for awhile but eventually jumped back in deeper than before), I now that by working the program my life has got better just not the better I thought I deserved. With working step 3 and more recently step 7 everyday I finally feel my feelings, can share them freely (speaking from the heart I used to think about what I was going to say, almost scripted) and know that I haven't hurt anyone today.

Thank you for letting me share and I am sorry to subject you to the ramblings of a man in turmoil, lately the best I've had to say for most days is that I haven't had a drink and for that I am eternally grateful.

Re: Reconciliation? Trying not to project.

Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 2:48 am
by KathyAnne
Hello Sweeney, thankyou for your very honest open share. You've probably heard this one but I was once told the good thing about recovery is you get your feelings back, the bad thing is you get your feelings back. Often if I'm feeling overwhemled apart from ringing my sponser and sharing is I tell myself ''this too shall pass' and sit tight and it always works. I don't have to pick up today on anything I have a spiritual tool box I use daily. A big part for me in my life is acceptance and to let go & let god, I wish you well in your struggles.

Re: Reconciliation? Trying not to project.

Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 7:19 am
by johnd
Hi Sweeney,
Sorry for your pain, I know it well.... I would suggest you speak with your sponsor and if I may go as far as suggesting to consider other living arrangements. Nothing gets solved if the problem is still around you. I too had my fair share of hoping that relationships would turn for the better. I had to get honest with me first of all. Just because you are doing the right things doesn't automatically give you the things you think you deserve. The problem wasn't just about the drinking and the so called cheating. There are many other reasons which will be revealed in time I'm sure.
Time came where I could see my part in the problems that were neglected or overlooked during my time in these relationships. It turns out that these splits or break-ups were for the better... I had to continue to work on my recovery and trust my HP as to where I was heading. I got involved in more meetings and service work. I stayed close to my network of recovery and still do... I'm glad you shared I hope you get in touch with your sponsor or if you don't have one I would advise to seek one... Even though you may not feel or need to drink, the isolation and pain can still create problems... Just my thoughts Good luck Sweeney, and PLEASE KEEP COMING..... John D.

Re: Reconciliation? Trying not to project.

Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 8:12 am
by ann2
Hi,

Thanks for posting. There are two people that I think about almost daily, knowing that I might still be with one of them if I or he were at a different stage of sobriety when we were together. At any rate, I met and married someone else at the right time for me and him.

Sometimes we don't get along so great, but for both of us, I believe, the fact that we got together when it was right for both of us tends to make it easier to accept the ups and downs. In a way, we both see each other as an answer to great longing and desire to be with someone who wants to be with someone just as much. We're different in a lot of ways, but in our wanting to be in this relationship we're the same.

We met 11 years after I got sober, and we've had enough time to start a family with two daughters. I am really grateful . . . Especially when I think of the two fellas I thought were the "ones". I mean, two people I really cared about, and still do, and it was miss, miss. I thought I was on my way to being Eleanor Rigby. Luckily for hubby and me, HP had other plans.

Just to say, I understand. I've cried for months over the pain of loss. But staying sober through it gave me what I wanted all along. Just in another country :)

Ann

Re: Reconciliation? Trying not to project.

Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 9:17 am
by TonyWARMS
I think we've all had relationships that we wished had worked out differently. But, turn it over, and remember the good, don't forget the bad, but don't dwell on it. Forgiveness will go a long way in helping you through. Make amends if necessary. I'm not preaching here, but I went through a break up not long ago. And, after I did all of my blaming of myself, and her (mostly her), I realized I had as much to do with it, and more. I've come, begrudgingly sometimes, to the realization that all these things happen for a reason I might not understand now, or maybe never, but they happen for a reason. As has been said here before " this too shall pass".

Re: Reconciliation? Trying not to project.

Posted: Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:46 am
by lifeline
Clingng on the old and expecting something new isn't working. At least it didn't work for me.

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."