I've bollocksed up again...

[Mike O'R]

Forgive them, by all means, and do not resent them, but distance yourself from them - unless, of course, you will be able to deal with them if a similar situation arises in the future.

[goldie-loxx]

Hey, thanks for the advice...

I just got back from my home group meeting, where I encountered a number of people from the previous Friday... I had started off KNOWING that I had to go, if nothing else but to hold my head up and be proud of my success and progress over the last year... but I realised I was starting to get SERIOUSLY resentful about the aforementioned drama at the last meeting I went to.

So.. on my way to the meeting, i went over in my head all the things I wanted to say to these people, these 'friends' of mine in AA... we're all in it together, and whether I have 1 or 10 years sobriety doesn't mean I am 'better' than anyone else. It's a personal journey to and with your own higher power, and nobody but me controls that. Nobody can take that power away from me, I have to make a decision to turn away from it myself, and there's no way I'm going to do that, not for anyone....!

In the end, when my turn to share came around, I ID'ed and then said the 2 things I wanted to say.
The first was written on every token I've ever received from my home group... just 6 words..."To thine own self be true". These words are everything to me, if I can't be honest with myself, then what hope is there for my future?
Then, I told the group that my brain had started in motion the old reaction, the anger, resentment and fear.... but it was MY choice to let that go, to staunch the wound before the rot set in... and I feel better for it, I really do.
Resentment is a poison we take in the hope the other person will suffer. Irrational, but true. To me at least.


I'd also like to thank all those people that gave me advice about changing sponsors... I have just asked another lady in my area if she'd be my sponsor, and I'm really positive about this change. To be honest, Rod wasn't really any good for me, when I'd call him, he'd always say he'd call back but somehow never did. Occasionally, every couple months, he'd come over and we'd do some BB work, but mostly I did the steps with my best mate in AA who has 18 months up and is a positive force in my life every day, as I am in his. This is what it's supposed to be like, right? Unconditional support?

Well, I hope this message makes sense, it's late at night and I'm SO tired I have to keep going back to correct all the typos as I go! Thank you all for your support and advice, you're all awesome!

Bless,
Goldie...

[Toad]

Wonderful !!!!
Once again "To thine own self be true" Worked.
Toad

[Mike O'R]

Yeah, well done Goldie.
I'm glad it worked out.

[goldie-loxx]

Thanks a lot!

So... now I'm working from home... I'm an artist/painter, so it's great not to have to be in an office environment every day!
But, honestly, it is my health issues that have led me to this place of semi-employment... God help me get well!
I pray daily for spiritual guidance, and if I'm foolish enough to go against the grain, I soon learn about it!

Thanks again, all

Love
Goldie

[MarcLacroix]

I just can't believe how much different things are without the drink, the drugs too! In so many ways, have things changed for the better. The personal hygiene, self-care(going to the toilet before leaving home, no more of this 'i'll be ok, just hold on' crap), eating food again! Showers every day, brushing teeth, washing dishes, doing the laundry... not to mention snuggling with our 13 yr old Bull Mastiff x Rhodesian Ridgeback.

The thing about it is, when I was drinking, I thought I was drinking to make life more bearable, ease the stress and to put us at ease with each other! When in fact it was the opposite, NOT WORKING BECAUSE of the booze! What a revelation...!!

That's all for me today, I have to get to a meeting tonight so must go and get the laundry inside before it rains! Thanks as always for your feedback, Karl R, and Avaneesh... and all you others out there doing just as swimmingly in sobriety. Goldie...xxxxx

Hey Goldie;
Glad to see you still drop by every now and then.

Marc

[goldie-loxx]

yeah...occasionally.... just trying to get my head around the beast again lately........

thanks.

[MarcLacroix]

yeah...occasionally.... just trying to get my head around the beast again lately........

thanks.

Oh c'mon Goldie.
Surely... an 'Iron Maiden' such as yourself would not have any difficulty figuring out 'The Nature of the Beast'.
What does it want?

Love;
Marc

[newby1961]

How many times in the past i have been in the same position and went back to the life that was familiar? I believe after many, many years of going back out that its really quite simple, when I want to stay sober more than I want to drink/use I will, and when I want to get loaded more than I want to stay sober I will. It became pretty clear to me after awhile, and it really does work for someone who was a 30,60 and 90 day wonder, I have a little over 6 years now. I also had to exhaust every excuse,and lie I told myself before I could allow myself to try to stay sober. When I came in this time I was so broken between my using and the lifestyle I was living I would have done almost anything to stay sober. I think that is key, most people who have been brought to their knees very rarely think well maybe I can get away with it again because they have been so beat up that sobriety is a welcoming change.Or maybe its because with so much research they proved to themselves that being sober is the easier softer way? My old sponsor used to tell me I was doing the 1st step the hard way, bless her for putting up with me. So welcome back and don't keep coming back JUST STAY.

[MarcLacroix]

That is pretty much the crux of it. How badly beaten must we be before we realize we can not drink safely.
I drowned once and didn't quit drinking till years later. That's pretty insane but back then I was defenseless.

Marc

[Ken_the_Geordie]

Hi Newby,

My old sponsor used to tell me I was doing the 1st step the hard way, bless her for putting up with me.

I like that; and welcome to the forum. I hope you stay here too!

[ann2]

When I came in this time I was so broken between my using and the lifestyle I was living I would have done almost anything to stay sober. I think that is key, most people who have been brought to their knees very rarely think well maybe I can get away with it again because they have been so beat up that sobriety is a welcoming change.Or maybe its because with so much research they proved to themselves that being sober is the easier softer way?

Thank you newby, shivers down my back here. Yes, yes yes.

Ann

[goldie-loxx]

[/quote]

Oh c'mon Goldie.
Surely... an 'Iron Maiden' such as yourself would not have any difficulty figuring out 'The Nature of the Beast'.
What does it want?

Love;
Marc[/quote]

Actually yeah, it's been hard for me lately.... this isn't easy all the time.
Thanks for the Iron Maiden thought though.... it's not me though... i WISH it was.
I will not drink. I will not drink. I WILL NOT DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ann2]

If I depended on my own will, I would not be here anymore.

The solution that AA gave me is a reliance on something greater than me and what I decide for myself.

Let us know if we can help you with that,

Ann

[LetgoJoe]

... what would God have me do