11/4/08 BB Into Action pp 80-82 (domestic amends)

The book Alcoholics Anonymous, aka The Big Book, is the basic text for the AA program of sobriety. "Alcoholics Anonymous" Copyright 2012 AAWS, Inc. All Rights, Reserved. Short excerpts used by permission of AAWS

11/4/08 BB Into Action pp 80-82 (domestic amends)

Postby Karl R » Tue Nov 04, 2008 8:23 am

Good Morning,

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Yesterday's reading cautioned us against haste in our amends which could harm a third person.

Today's reading (below in red) carries this further to the subject of domestic amends. Each person's domestic situation is different but the principles remain the same. Avoid haste in amends, seek guidance through prayer, inventory, and meditation, do no further harm, and seek the spiritual solution always. I especially like the talk of avoiding a frontal assault by using a flanking manuver; just another way of saying we need to think through our amends.

Anyone care to add?


cheers,
Karl

The chances are that we have domestic troubles. Perhaps we are mixed up with women in a fashion we wouldn't care to have advertised. We doubt if, in this respect, alcoholics are fundamentally much worse than other people. But drinking does complicate sex relations in the home. After a few years with an alcoholic, a wife gets worn out, resentful and uncommunicative. How could she be anything else? The husband begins to feel lonely, sorry for himself. He commences to look around in the night clubs, or their equivalent, for something besides liquor. Perhaps he is having a secret and exciting affair with "the girl who understands." In fairness we must say that she may understand, but what are we going to do about a thing like that? A man so involved often feels very remorseful at times, especially if he is married to a loyal and courageous girl who has literally gone through hell for him.
Whatever the situation, we usually have to do something about it. If we are sure our wife does not know, should we tell her? Not always, we think. If she knows in a general way that we have been wild, should we tell her in detail? Undoubtedly we should admit our fault. She may insist on knowing all the particulars. She will want to know who the woman is and where she is. We feel we ought to say to her that we have no right to involve another person. We are sorry for what we have done and, God willing, it shall not be repeated. More than that we cannot do; we have no right to go further. Though there may be justifiable exceptions, and though we wish to lay down no rule of any sort, we have often found this the best course to take.
Our design for living is not a one-way street. It is as good for the wife as for the husband. If we can forget, so can she. It is better, however, that one does not needlessly name a person upon whom she can vent jealousy.
Perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation. It may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let by-gones be by-gones. Each might pray about it, having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind. Keep it always in sight that we are dealing with that most terrible human emotion-jealousy. Good generalship may decide that the problem be attacked on the flank rather than risk a face-to-face combat.
Last edited by Karl R on Wed Nov 05, 2008 6:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby dwelling » Tue Nov 04, 2008 5:13 pm

Hi Karl,
I was sober about two years when I finally made direct amends to my wife. Even though I had made a partial "living"amends to her, my sponsor knew that she needed to see proof of my commitment to change, before I was able to make direct amends. We have been married now 20 years., 10 since I put the plug in the jug. We are at another turning point in our relationship, ten with me as an active drunk and 10 as an active member of AA. One of the most profitable things I have learned in AA about relationships is, to just "shut up".

dwelling,"Today most of our men are better husbands and fathers than ever before. "
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Re: 11/4/08 BB Into Action pp 80-82 (domestic amends)

Postby leejosepho » Wed May 16, 2012 7:42 am

Karl R wrote:Each person's domestic situation is different but the principles remain the same. Avoid haste in amends, seek guidance through prayer, inventory, and meditation, do no further harm, and seek the spiritual solution always ...

Yes. I had done what I had done, telling the world about it would not be helpful to anyone and yet I can freely share that here while trying to be helpful.
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
=======================
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Re: 11/4/08 BB Into Action pp 80-82 (domestic amends)

Postby PaigeB » Wed May 16, 2012 11:23 am

Sponsorship is especially helpful here as it was in yesterday's reading on the amends process. I know that the Big Book (first 164) does not talk about sponsorship but we have learned since that initial writing of our forefathers that it is helpful and maybe necessary.

Bouncing these hard topics off another person who understands how it is to be an alcoholic and has seen many times the process & the results, is... well... prudent and comforting.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: 11/4/08 BB Into Action pp 80-82 (domestic amends)

Postby leejosepho » Thu May 17, 2012 7:16 am

PaigeB wrote:Sponsorship is especially helpful here as it was in yesterday's reading on the amends process. I know that the Big Book (first 164) does not talk about sponsorship but we have learned since that initial writing of our forefathers that it is helpful and maybe necessary.

Bouncing these hard topics off another person who understands how it is to be an alcoholic and has seen many times the process & the results, is... well... prudent and comforting.

Certainly, and just for the sake of perspective concerning our book and "sponsorship":

"Doubtless you are curious to discover how and why, in the face of expert opinion to the contrary, we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body. If you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking - 'What do I have to do?'
"It is the purpose of this book to answer such questions specifically. We shall tell you what we have done." (page 20)

Along with his or her contemporary experience and personal advice, any good sponsor today will do exactly the same!
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
=======================
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Re: 11/4/08 BB Into Action pp 80-82 (domestic amends)

Postby PaigeB » Thu May 17, 2012 11:53 am

Thanks Joe! I met with my sponsor yesterday and she did not point that one out to me! I will tell her to check page 20!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: 11/4/08 BB Into Action pp 80-82 (domestic amends)

Postby hopefortoday2013 » Sun Apr 14, 2013 10:47 am

Hppe for today
Last edited by hopefortoday2013 on Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 11/4/08 BB Into Action pp 80-82 (domestic amends)

Postby ann2 » Sun Apr 14, 2013 12:29 pm

Hi, Hope, welcome and thanks for posting. Not sure I follow, though -- are you having an affair with a married man who is an alcoholic and drinking? Are you an alcoholic?

Ann
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