Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

"... We absolutely insist on enjoying life" (p. 132, Alcoholics Anonymous). Here's the forum for fun and frivolity. Enjoy!

Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Brock » Thu Feb 09, 2017 8:59 am

Since Noels is from South Africa I will put this up, it's just a joke, I am sure South Africans are not all con men.

A South African can't find a job in America so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside " GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100"
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste"
South African: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"...
Lawyer: "Ugh..this is kerosene"
South African: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"
South African: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"
South African: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20"
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak"
South African: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100"
South African: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't outsmart a South African.
The seed has been planted in his mind. He knows that thousands of men, much like himself, have recovered. B.B. P.113
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Feb 09, 2017 9:16 am

:-D :-D :-D Excellent :-D :-D :-D thanks Brock :-D

Since Noels is from South Africa I will put this up, it's just a joke, I am sure South Africans are not all con men.

Better to be safe than sorry. These days we ourselves don't know anymore :-D

mwah xxx
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Sat Feb 18, 2017 10:14 pm

Good morning beautiful people :D Lets start our Sunday with a giggle :D

A boss asks his employee : " Do you believe that there is Life after Death?"
Employee : "Certainly not sir, there is no proof of it!"
Boss : "Well, there is ... After you left office early yesterday to go to your cousin's funeral, he came here looking for you"

Enjoy the day :D
mwah xxx Noels
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby michmjon » Sun Feb 19, 2017 7:23 pm

A group of blondes walked in a bar cheering and clapping. One of them says to the bartender "A round for the house, on us!"

The bartender, seeing that the bar is packed, answers "That's going to cost you a lot of money! You must really be celebrating!"

One of the blondes turns to him and says, "We sure are! We just finished a jigsaw puzzle in three months!"

The bartender looks at her somewhat confused and says, "That's a really long time!"

The blonde raises her both her hands in the air and screams, "The box said three to six years!"
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Sun Feb 19, 2017 9:35 pm

:D :lol: a good way to start my Monday :lol: thank you :D
Mwah xxx
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Sat Feb 25, 2017 9:37 am

... especially for the gents :D :D :D

Doctor : How is ur headache?
Male Patient : She's out of town :lol:
xxxxxxx

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that your safety is more important to you than your ego! :lol:
xxxxxxxx

Question : You know why women love shoes?
Answer : Because no matter how much and whatever they eat, the shoes always fit .... :D
xxxxxxxx

Question : Why cant women drive well?
Answer : Because there are too many mirrors in a car to distract them ... :roll: (lame :roll: )
xxxxxxxxx

Question : Why cant women spend a day in a jungle?
Answer : There are no shopping centres ... :lol:
xxxxxxxxx

Question : How to save a Dying woman?
Answer : Tell her about a 90% sale going on somewhere ... :lol: (excellent)
xxxxxxxxx

Question : If a woman is quiet, which day is it?
Answer : Who cares, just Enjoy that Day! :lol: (excellent)
xxxxxxxxx

Wives are magicians ....
they can change anything into an argument ... :lol: (pretty clever :lol: )
xxxxxxxxx

Women live a better, longer and peaceful life, as compared to men.
WHY?
A very intelligent man replied : Women don't have a wife!

:D :D :D =wink
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby tyg » Thu Mar 02, 2017 12:36 am

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Mar 02, 2017 2:20 am

:D :D :D excellent! :D :D :D thanks tyg :D Its good to start my day with a laugh!
mwah xxx
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Mar 02, 2017 7:42 am

Pappu walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the barman : "Please give me half chicken tandoori and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, bcoz when I eat, I want everyone to eat!"
The barman processed his request and gave him his meal and everyone else their meals.

When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order : "Give me a bottle of champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, bcoz when I drink, I want everybody to drink!"
Everyone was happy and singing praises saying "Pappu is the Man!".

When Pappu finished his drink he shouted again : "Give me my bill and give everyone else their bill, bcoz when I pay, I want everyone to pay!"

Pappu is currently lying in intensive care connected to life support.
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Mar 16, 2017 7:10 am

Traffic cop pulls over a drunk guy and says :"Sir can you get out of your vehicle please?"
Drunk driver : "My friend ... I'm too drunk... you gotta get in" :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Mar 16, 2017 7:17 am

Husband : :"Who's at the door?
Wife :"Someone collecting for a retirement home ..."
Husband :"Give them your mother!" :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Mar 16, 2017 7:20 am

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for Q20 .... :P =biggrin
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Thu Mar 16, 2017 7:34 am

Intelligent Husband

wife was busy packing her clothes.

Husband :"where are you going?"
Wife :"I'm moving to my mother"

Husband also start packing his clothes.

Wife :"Now where are YOU going?"
Husband :"I'm also moving to my mother"
Wife : "And what about the kids?"
Husband : "Well .... I guess if you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... they should move to THEIR mother ..."

Clothes was unpacked ... :mrgreen:
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Doddering Moron » Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:57 pm

Where did you find your Avatar? I stole it.
There's nothing funny about stealing. The cops at the Alano Clubs steal people's chance to get sober. Not funny. Jak.
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Re: Promises! Promises! - More Bad Jokes?

Postby Noels » Sun Apr 23, 2017 1:02 am

I thought this was awesome :D :D :D
I just discovered my age group! I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.

I don't have to go to school.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver's license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into everywhere.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

And I don't have acne.

Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.

Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.

It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

Mwah xxx
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