Earthling husband doesn't get it

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Re: Earthling husband doesn't get it

Postby Tosh » Mon Dec 29, 2014 5:49 pm

Duke wrote:I know that there were quite a few intervening talks in which I reassured her that she is number one in my life and if she really needs me for something, I'll be there.

That might be obvious to some, but it's a gem to me. Thanks.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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Re: Earthling husband doesn't get it

Postby IllustratedMum » Fri Jan 16, 2015 12:35 pm

Hello! I wish I could say my husband gets it, but he's a practicing alcoholic so I'm really unsure if he does. He says he's proud of my accomplishment (16 days so far) and tells me I'm doing great. HOWEVER...he still asks me to pop by the liquor store to pick him up his beers, and if I'm headed into the kitchen he asks if I can bring him back a beer. I refused the trip to the store, I just can't fathom going into the liquor store and not picking up some wine. I will bring him a beer from the kitchen, and though I'm ok with it, it still seems somewhat selfish and disrespectful of him to ask.
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Re: Earthling husband doesn't get it

Postby odat12 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 11:48 am

I'm a newly sober in a relationship for just over a year and a half now. I hate to call him clueless, but he really is. It was how I treated him that was my final straw. I've been in relationships with addicts and alcoholics my whole life and I've been going to Al-Anon myself for quite some time. It wasn't until I met him and started doing to him what I went through with them that I understood that I too had a problem. I always felt like an outsider at those Al-Anon meetings but they did help and alleviate... almost enabling as I was drunk/high for the meetings.

He is coming to an Al-Anon meeting with me tonight to check it out at my request. Whether he continues or not is really up to him. I've been able to learn a bit that way at least. It's definitely a strange role-reversal. I've been really irritated lately, and even more so irritated with him because he's walking on eggshells and trying too hard and I feel horrible when I just lose my mind. I luckily have learned to communicate better over the course of time, thank god, and the man is just so sensitive and different than what I'm used to. For the first time though, I fear hurting him as opposed to always feeling like the victim. I see the progress, but the one minute at a time can be so tedious. I don't mean to cut into your sharing. It just feels really good not to be alone in this.

It's really hard to be told he loves me several times a day. He was the first person to tell me he appreciates me and that he trusts me. I bawled when he said it. Because I believed with all my heart that I was not capable of being trusted. And then I got drunk and blacked out and treated him like dirt - disproving everything he said. And he continues to tell me everyday that he loves me and I cringe and can't return the words because I don't even know if I'm worthy of it. The guilt is so overwhelming because I really don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to love. I get so mad at him for trying to start a family with me. I know its going to take time and I realize I'm probably scared to death.

Thank you for listening.
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