Just in time

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Just in time

Postby Arendt27 » Tue Jan 12, 2016 2:35 pm

This is my first post on this or any forum, so I'm not sure how I begin. I am a college student, and I've been sober since September 29th 2015. Drinking and drugs affected so many parts of my life, but perhaps the worst thing was how it isolated me from my family. I was so ashamed of myself, and I felt like I had to hide things from my parents and brothers. And even though I tried my best to hide it, I'm sure I wasn't too successful, and I felt even more guilty realizing the pain and worry I was causing in others. But as my head started to clear, I was able to talk to my parents about the things I was going through, and I was overwhelmed by the love and forgiveness they showed me. I hadn't realized the extent of what I'd been missing out on for the past two years until I talked to everyone, and I was so happy to have that connection restored. It felt like coming home after wandering alone for too long. Things have been going well, until recently when my grandmother's health began failing. She has not been well for the past few years, and is now in hospice care. I expect I will be going home for her funeral any day now. I have been so sad. The particularly bad thing is that I didn't communicate with her really at all while I was drinking, until she was hospitalized this past December. I am so angry at myself, and I am constantly feeling guilty and craving a drink or a high. How could I have been so self absorbed, so completely absent from the last years of my grandmother's life? I've been resisting the urges so far, and I'm trying to think of things in a different way. I got to talk to her a few weeks ago, and she is so strong and calm about the end of her life. She said to me and my immediate family and various aunts and uncles and cousins that she is at peace, and that she just wants us to live good lives. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and I know that she would not want me to go back to where I was, where he was. And I also have to remember what I risk losing by going back to drinking and drugs. I love my family, and I have decided that it is more worth it to me to continue getting better than to get whatever small measure of relief I would find if I did relapse. I am so sad to lose my grandmother, but I want to do what she asked, and live a good life. I'm trying to be grateful that I stopped when I did instead of being mad that I didn't stop sooner. I'm grateful that I got to say goodbye to her. I am getting by, and I've realized that I have the support of my family, so I don't think I'll relapse. But still, I wanted to post this not only to express my feelings, but also to ask if anyone here has any advice for avoiding drinking while grieving. If anyone else has a story about a similar experience and wants to tell it, please do.
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Re: Just in time

Postby Robert R » Tue Jan 12, 2016 3:05 pm

Hi and welcome, Sorry only a question I'm afraid. Did you get sober on willpower alone or are you in the AA programme. Any response to you may vary dependant on your answer to that question. Lots of sober people on this site willing to share their experience, please stick with us.
Don't know exactly where I am going but I'm on my way and it's already much better than where I've been.
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Re: Just in time

Postby tyg » Tue Jan 12, 2016 3:16 pm

Hi Arendt27 thank you for sharing and hope you will hang around and keep posting. A grieving counselor can help wonders, I learned a lot of things by talking to one and it really helped. They can be found by asking Hospice, googling or asking your Doctor about them. There is a lot on the Web that will be helpful too. It helped my grieving a lot by using the fellowship for support too, I asked people out to coffee & meetings and came early and stayed late to help clean up & set up and talk with people, even though people didn't always know my situation.

Strangely enough alcoholism has nothing to do with liquor. It is a 3-fold illness of Mind, Body & Spirit. Our problem centers in the mind more so than the body. We have a troubled spirit were our thinking has us usually in conflict with some circumstance, person or thing. Alcoholics Anonymous is a program that fixes all that. Our reactions and attitude to life's happenings become very different because we have new tools to get through anything that life throws at us. We handle things in a different way without, wanting, missing, or needing a drink.

For those who are alcoholic, it is rare that people can recover by themselves without outside help. Alcoholism is a strange disorder: When we quit drinking for periods of time, sometimes many years, or stop at the limits of drinks we intended, our mind will have us believe that we have control over our drinking habits. But We do not. Alcoholism is progressive and it will continue to get worse, never better. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly alcoholism works at different speeds destroying lives.

There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish. (AA pg. 34)

There are many young people in AA today and there are many other people that recognize the signs of alcoholism and get help before too much destruction happens. May you join us in an AA meeting. There you will find people of all ages and walks of life who have recovered from this illness. It is the place to go to learn more about alcoholism and find someone who can show a person how they can recover.

Glad you are here...look forward to reading more of you :)
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
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Re: Just in time

Postby Brock » Tue Jan 12, 2016 3:35 pm

Hello and welcome to e-AA, you gave a very nice explanation of your current situation and the trials you are facing, congratulations on being sober since September of last year.

We do get a fair amount of younger folks coming here, and they are usually advised to seek out meetings of young peoples AA, these are listed and by Goggling you can usually find them in your area. Younger AA's it seems often feel more comfortable with those their own age, although in my own area we don't have young peoples meetings and we all get along fine.

The main reason I mention this is that meetings and AA steps are something you didn't speak about, and this is where the answer lies. We must understand that by doing some fairly simple steps and living life with certain principles in mind, some of which you already understand, like seeing how we were selfish and self centered in the past, and changing these behaviors, opens a door to a life few of us expected, peace and serenity and not feeling to drink at all, the problem is removed. If God forbid something should happen to my wife or someone else close to me, taking a drink would be the last thing on my mind, I know this from past experience.

Others have already welcomed and encouraged you, while I was typing my own reply, excuse me if I repeated some of the things they already covered, you may also ask any questions you may have, and best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Just in time

Postby ezdzit247 » Fri Jan 15, 2016 1:37 pm

Arendt27 wrote:....I wanted to post this not only to express my feelings, but also to ask if anyone here has any advice for avoiding drinking while grieving. If anyone else has a story about a similar experience and wants to tell it, please do.

Hi Arendt27 and welcome.

Congratulations on 3+ months of sobriety!

Glad you found this forum and thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope on your path to recovery from alcohol and drugs.

I struggled with relapses and bounced in and out of AA meetings for almost two years after my first meeting. I wanted be sober but I kept getting drunk anyway and didn't know why that kept happening until a really bad 10-day black out drunk landed me in a recovery house run by local AA members. What was different about that relapse was that when I sobered up, I could finally hear what other members were sharing in every meeting. AA members said things like "first things first", "keep it simple", "one day at a time", "easy does it" and "don't drink no matter what" in every meeting I'd ever attended but this time around I actually heard and understood what they were saying. I realized that I had never really formulated or committed to a plan for staying sober and that I needed one if I wanted to be free of the vicious cycle of relapses. I chose to use AA's 24 hour plan which is described in an AA pamphlet entitled "Introduction to AA". You can read the pamphlet online by clicking on this link:


One day at a time, I built my sober support network in AA by going to a lot of different meetings, listening to other members share their ESH on how they worked AA's 12 Steps and applied AA's principles in their daily life. In my first 6 months of sobriety, I worked all 12 Steps, found a great new Young Peoples' AA meeting in my area, became secretary of that group, and made that meeting my home group for many years. Building that kind of foundation for myself has given me the strength and inner resources to deal with joy, success, failure, disappointment, heartache, and the loss of loved ones without having to drink again. You can do this too.

If you haven't been to a YPAA meeting yet and would like to check one out, click on this link to find a meeting near you:


Keep coming back.....
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: Just in time

Postby Lali » Fri Jan 15, 2016 5:00 pm

I agree what has been said here that young people seem to be more comfortable with other young people but that doesn't mean you should only go to young meetings! There is usually a lot of good stuff being shared in groups which include old farts! I would suggest that you check out as many different meetings as you can.

And welcome, BTW!
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Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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