My adult daughter.

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Mon Jun 15, 2015 12:10 pm

She recently let me know she had gotten back into 'party drugs' after 26 years, which led her back to drinking and she has been using and drinking for about a year, since my grandson moved out to go to college.

She enters detox this week and is going to be in a treatment center for the month after that. She is in Canada.

I'm pretty frightened. I feel worried and so powerless and sad. She has been through so much.

I cant think of a sane thing to say to her except that I love her. All my years sober seem inadequate in the face of this.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby Niagara » Mon Jun 15, 2015 12:34 pm

Your years sober may give her hope that she can overcome this. Hope is a powerful thing when we're at the bottom. A living example that recovery is possible.

I don't even know what else to say. Wishing you both love and strength to come out of the other side of this.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby Lali » Mon Jun 15, 2015 1:11 pm

Try not to project. I have been guilty of this time after time only to have everything turn out fine. Fear can be a powerful thing and can make us sick. Pray for her. Prayer is powerful.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby ezdzit247 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 4:57 pm

clouds wrote:She recently let me know she had gotten back into 'party drugs' after 26 years, which led her back to drinking and she has been using and drinking for about a year, since my grandson moved out to go to college.

She enters detox this week and is going to be in a treatment center for the month after that. She is in Canada.

I'm pretty frightened. I feel worried and so powerless and sad. She has been through so much.

I cant think of a sane thing to say to her except that I love her. All my years sober seem inadequate in the face of this.


Hi clouds

Congratulations on 41 years of sobriety!

My last drunk was a 3 or 4 day black out binge which occurred about 2 weeks before what would have been my 2nd AA birthday. When I came to on Mother's Day morning in 1978 and realized what I had done, I hated myself. I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to see or talk to anybody, didn't want to do anything except lay there and beat myself up. My head was in a really weird place I hadn't experienced before. I didn't want another drink but I didn't want to get sober either. I knew I could get sober, but I really didn't know if I wanted to or not. When my 12 year old son knocked on my door, came into my room, and wished me a Happy Mother's Day, he told me he loved me. Powerful words. That was 37 years ago last Mother's Day and I've never taken another drink since.

It sounds like your daughter was able to recognize that she had a problem and able to make the decision to go into detox and recovery because she experienced growing up with a sober mother who did something about her own drinking problem. I think telling your daughter you love her are all the words she needs to hear. My experience, hope, and strength is that those words are the most powerful words in the universe, especially when they are said to us when we can't or won't love ourselves.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Tue Jun 16, 2015 9:02 am

Niagra, Thank you. right now I feel a lot of hopelessness. My daughter made a great beginning on sobriety years ago, did counseling and really came to grips with some harsh realities in her life. Then she slipped after her sister died, but then while she raised her son, she was a really amazing mother and Seemed to be aober most of the time. I always felt she was ok. I was aware of what I suspected was pharmeceutical drug abuse, but I had the wisdom to keep my thoughts to myself on that, who could deny that after all she had been through that medications for depression and anxiety werent valid? Not me.
I have the feeling that she is now coming to grips with some of the drug abuse plus how it led her back to street drugs. I feel worried about how hard it might be to come off all of these things.

Point well taken Lali. I'm scard to death. Having lost already my other daughter and her child, I am pretty frightened. I am projecting fear of things that have happened in the past onto my daughter's future. Since hearing from her again today I feel better. She asked me to pray for her that she would do God's will because something went wrong and her doctor's office not getting the forms to the recovery center and so she isnt on the list like she thought. So now she may have to go to a specifically 12 step treatment center instead. Amazing isnt it? To be honest the other place was like a spa or health retreat, with yoga classes, a 5 star nutritionist, psychiatrist and no mention of drug detox at all. Amazing how things can change overnight. Anyone with faith here, please send prayers or good vibes or whatever!

Ezdzit, thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope. Your story makes it more real to me that in her circumstances sobriety is not at all impossible.

does anyone have any thoughts on detox, I dont actually know about what it could be like. she is thinking of doing that on her own. Is that even possible with drugs?
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby ezdzit247 » Tue Jun 16, 2015 2:56 pm

clouds wrote:....does anyone have any thoughts on detox, I dont actually know about what it could be like. she is thinking of doing that on her own. Is that even possible with drugs?


I would not recommend that anyone try detoxing on their own from either alcohol or drugs. Even if the person is highly motivated, unexpected complications can develop and it's just far safer to have someone monitoring us who knows what do to do in case of an emergency. I worked in the field of drug and alcohol recovery treatment, both social model and medical model programs, for several years both as a counselor and program administrator in southern California. Whether your daughter is a candidate for social or medical model detox is a determination that would have to be made by her physician based on her age, health history, the drugs she was taking, how much and how long she's been drinking, and when she had her last drink. With either kind of detox, someone will be on hand to monitor her.

My understanding is that Canada has a very good health care system. If her regular doctor has dropped the ball on processing her paperwork for recovery treatment, she should be able to check herself into a hospital and have the attending physician assess her symptoms and physical condition. That's an option. In the meantime, I hope her regular doctor gets his act together...
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Wed Jun 17, 2015 8:25 am

Thanks for the response ezdzit.

Hope I can do something.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Thu Jun 18, 2015 6:36 am

She's now on the waiting list for detoxing and has a treatment team. Shetold me she is willing to do everything to get sobriety. Couldnt get much better than this. She says the detox is the best one in her area with physicians and nurses.

I am having to find faith or I feel like I am going to go crazy.
She asked me to pray that she does God's will.

I mean, think about that.

I had a lot of faith once I got sober and started the steps, especially after doing step three. I came to AA with no concept of a higher power at all.
My faith has taken a beating and that is why all these fears are making me nuts.

I have some serious meditation and prayer to do. I really have to come to grips with steps 3, 5, 6, 7, and 11 all over again in light of my current circumstances.

I'm having a sense that its almost a mistake I could still be sober the way I have slipped off of really doing some of the steps for the last 20 years since my second daughter was killed.

We've started a step study group here in France and we have meetings 5 times a week. Just two of us, but its really helped me to see how I have been fooling myself about the steps and how I thought I could get away without growing more along spiritual lines by doing some steps but not fully practicing other ones.

I have a lot of thank yous to give to you all here at e-AA. Its been on here that I have become aware of this.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby positrac » Thu Jun 18, 2015 7:16 am

I agree with this post and I have a step daughter who is totally outta of control and you know it is painful to see someone be like that. I have no words to comfort except I love her and I wish for something else.

Support is important and enabling is harmful and I hope you'll set boundaries up front and clear the air and not think they know how I you are in your sober life/world. We push buttons to see which ones work and which ones don't for a reason.

I've learned in 25 years since I am not actively engaged in that old life that I lose touch with that ever changing world and so I would suggest keeping that in mind as your daughter goes though this very difficult period.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Thu Jun 18, 2015 9:10 am

Thanks!

I take your advice fully, makes me think diffrently about the whole thing.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby ezdzit247 » Thu Jun 18, 2015 4:23 pm

Thanks for sharing the good news about your daughter. That's wonderful.

An AA friend gave me this prayer at a really dark time in my sobriety when I really needed something, anything, to help me deal with a lot of unexpected and unwanted changes

"God, heal me. Heal (__name__). Heal our relationship."

I say it out loud or think it to myself and usually get an instant result in the form of peace and relief from my own fears or resentments. If fear or resentment creeps back into my head during my day, I repeat the prayer as necessary.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Thu Jul 02, 2015 5:40 am

Thanks everyone who responded! :)

She entered detox Monday morning.

I think she is ready and I believe when she says she wants to get sober and clean.

I am taking things one day at a time, working on fine tuning my understanding and application of some of the points in step three and in the serenity prayer.

Also here: "We ask God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be."
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby ann2 » Thu Jul 02, 2015 2:08 pm

Supporting you in Sweden. Tears for everything. So glad you shared.

Ann
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby Muffinpie » Fri Aug 07, 2015 3:34 pm

You're sober years will set a example to her and show her that sobriety can be achieved and maintained. There are some things that people have to experience for themselves to know why they can't do those things, I can only imagine that had your daughter never touched drugs she wouldn't really know why they aren't the answer. Your daughter now has this experience which will be tough at first but in years to come will be the basis of her finding so much strength within herself and from others.
Hope this helped
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Re: My adult daughter.

Postby clouds » Mon Aug 10, 2015 8:08 am

Thank you Muffinpie, what you wrote helped very much in fact.

Thank you for the hope.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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