betrayal

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

betrayal

Postby hopeful06080 » Thu May 15, 2014 10:02 am

Well, I expected someone in my life would attempt to derail my sobriety, but I never dreamed it would be my husband! Hes the one who is always screaming at me to stop drinking. SO, why would he successfully derail my progress? Yep, he knew exactly what buttons to push.
Then he screamed at me because I was drinking. What?????

Has anyone else dealt with this? What kind of mind game is this? soooo confused.
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Re: betrayal

Postby Blue Moon » Thu May 15, 2014 9:24 pm

When physically sober, our lives had become so unmanageable that it seems to make perfect sense to drink again. Codependency is extremely common for us alcoholics and those we are closest to.

Hubby is not responsible for your drinking, nor even how you react to buttons being pushed.

On the flip side, you're not responsible for his reaction to your efforts to get sober.
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Re: betrayal

Postby ann2 » Fri May 16, 2014 2:00 am

Hi, glad you're here. My husband can be an idiot too. But it was good to find out a way through the issues we faced in my following the steps. I mean, I was really in agony about his reactions to me and the state of our marriage. I asked for help and followed the suggestions I got from my trusted friends in AA. And I kept reminding myself that hubby is not my higher power, and that he has his own higher power -- he doesn't need me fixing him.

I concentrated on my recovery. Little by little things got better. Now we're on the other side of this problem and it feels good to have gone through this. Maturing. Sober.

Ann
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Re: betrayal

Postby chefchip » Fri May 16, 2014 6:19 am

When I seriously started getting help for my alcohol problem, the person who pushed me over that ledge was my partner of nearly 20 years. He actually made a few ultimatums! Weird thing was that, once I started getting help, he started going a little crazy. He drank more than he usually does. He came home fall down drunk a little more, which he rarely has ever done. He gave me grief about the time I was spending in AA rooms and with my sponsor, even accused me of having a new addiction to AA! I thought I was going to lose my mind.

Then, a wise man reminded me that I was not the only sick person in our relationship. My partner had been infected by my disease as well. He just had different symptoms. It turns out that, as much as he wanted me to quit drinking, he also was afraid about what would happen IF I ever did. He was scared of a lot of things, including wondering if I would love him still once I was sober or would I decide he was a part of my drinking problem.

Our spouses are human, too, with their own issues. My first job was to get myself sober and recovered. I put the rest on the back burner, including questions about my partner and our relationship. When I was finally recovered, I saw things in a different light. We are stronger now than we have ever been, even though it was touch and go for a while.

As has been said, you are responsible for you. If he is pushing your buttons, you are letting him do so. Work on yourself and get yourself better. The rest will be easier to deal with -- or not an issue anymore -- once you do that.

That's how it worked for me, anyway.
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Re: betrayal

Postby Mike99 » Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:44 am

I'm only on day 2. Day 1 was a long time coming. I kept thinking (and told my therapist) that I needed to fix my marriage before worrying about my drinking. That, of course, got me wondering if I'm drinking because of marriage issues, or do I have marriage issues because of my drinking. Then I finally figured out it didn't matter. It's very possible that although they're related, they may be very independant as well. That realization is allowing me to work on my sobriety with or without my wife, who lacks the ability to provide the support I need. I realized that my success COULD NOT depend on the level of support I got from my wife.

Not sure if my story is relevent, but your post got me thinking.
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Re: betrayal

Postby chefchip » Thu Jun 05, 2014 7:16 am

Hi, Mike. Congrats on Day 2! May there be many many more. You said you weren't sure if your post was relevant. Well, reading it caused this Big Book thumper to recall a passage. It is on page 98 and goes like this (red letters mine):
He (the alcoholic) clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

Unless I am misreading this, and other, passages, I thought your story was quite relevant. Thanks for sharing it. With an attitude like that, you have a good shot at the sobriety you seek!

Chip
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Re: betrayal

Postby Lali » Sat May 02, 2015 1:52 pm

I need more information. Are you the alcoholic leaving the books out so your "normie" husband can understand your disease? Or are you the significant other leaving the books out for your alcoholic loved one to see?
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: betrayal

Postby desypete » Sun May 03, 2015 12:58 am

i would always try to blame others for why i drank, i can remember when i was married and i came home drunk one night i went nuts at home, i smashed up the home again and i certainly let her know it was all her fault that i went out and drank

if only she hadnt of done what she did then i wouldnt of drank, the home would not of been smashed up and the police would not of been called and i wouldnt of eneded up in the cells

well it all made sense to me back then, until i came into aa and they said hang on a min, its you that picked up that drink and its you who is looking to point the finger of blame outwards.

in the end they wouldnt listen to me or my argument that it was my ex wifes fault. in the end i came to see they were right.

no one in the world has the power to make me drink, it will be me who picks up that first drink and today i know just what will happen if i do were as before i just didnt know, it was all i ever did was drink on anything and then pay the price for it later
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Re: betrayal

Postby positrac » Tue May 05, 2015 4:34 am

hopeful06080 wrote:Well, I expected someone in my life would attempt to derail my sobriety, but I never dreamed it would be my husband! Hes the one who is always screaming at me to stop drinking. SO, why would he successfully derail my progress? Yep, he knew exactly what buttons to push.
Then he screamed at me because I was drinking. What?????

Has anyone else dealt with this? What kind of mind game is this? soooo confused.

I knew someone like this and although this story was passed down to me this is kind of the events.
My grandmother got married to my gramps and they started off rough and drinking was part of the life. Beatings, mental stuff and a lot of weird control stuff my gramps laid on my grandmother. Well eventually after 20 odd years together she got sober in 1955 and gramps was angry because he was losing control and within about 5 years or so my grandmother left him and when she died in 2006 she had 51 years sober.

Insanity either drunk or a dry alcoholic and it is not healthy under any circumstances.

You have got to take care of yourself because life is very unforgiving and I haven't an answer except I feel for your situation and I hope you can gather it up and get yourself well.

Stay safe.
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