Addiction and recovery took my fiancee from me.

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

Addiction and recovery took my fiancee from me.

Postby Ericvhunter » Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:07 pm

Hello. My name is Eric, and until September 21st, I was engaged to the most amazing woman in the world. Addiction took away my fiancee and every day since I haven't had a day where I haven't cried or just felt like there was no point anymore.

She was such a sweet and great woman. She treated me so well. Like no other woman before her. I took her to Wrigley Field July 15th, 2016 and in front of 45,000 Cubs fan, I asked her to marry me on the video board. She said yes. I was the happiest man in the world that finally I found the one. We had a great relationship.

I did not know she was an alcoholic. I knew she drank but because she worked day shift and I worked nights, it was easy to hide. Her daughter confided in me and told me she's a very heavy drinker. Over time I noticed this and asked her about it. She said she would stop. After a few months, her daughter gave her an ultimatum. Stop or I'm moving. She didn't stop, and she moved. It didn't stop her drinking though. It made it worse. I came home early one night, and noticed that there was a bottle of Coke in the fridge. I then found a empty bottle of Seagram's 7. I woke her up and asked her about it. She admitted it. The next day she said I need help. We started looking into inpatient treatment programs. We found one in Colorado and she went out there. While this was going on, we were moving to a place of our own. Her recovery was more important. I handled the move. 3 weeks later, I flew out there for "Family Weekend." I participated in the activities with them, and it was an emotional weekend for both of us. That Sunday, I flew home.

Mid April she was discharged and came home to her new place that she never stepped foot in. She seemed as if she was doing well. She signed up for a full fledged outpatient program locally, attending meetings and at times if she asked me, I'd go with her. I attended the occasional AlAnon meeting myself but didn't feel comfortable wtih the meeting and time. From then to September, I felt we were very happy. We always went out, had clean, sober fun, laughed, and took pictures of each other and we were always happy.

Little did I know that she hid the demon very well inside that she fought every day.

This past September 20th, a friend of hers from the outpatient therapy relapsed, overdosed and died. This shook up everyone to their core, including my fiancee. After that day, she was never the same. On September 23rd, out of the blue without any provocation, no arguing, fighting, anything. She took off the ring and said the engagement was off. She needed her space. I was completely lost and blown away. I panicked, cried, everything. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I called off of work that day just to process this. She stayed at her friends place for the weekend. We ended up talking on that Sunday and it was a little deeper explanation, but my heart just wanted her back. We would continue to live in the house as roommates, but I had a very hard time with it. I always wanted to talk about things but Everytime, she would get very irritable and mad. She would go into the bedroom and shut the door. All I did was cry and be upset because once again, I did nothing wrong. She said she still loved me but she had to do her. I couldn't process it. Why leave behind the one and only biggest support you ever had? Last week, we were able to come to an agreement and I felt better about things. She wasn't going to move out but stay as long as I have her space. I was a complete angel. I gave it to her. All of a sudden, she found out she got a place and today, she's moving out. It's killing me right now. I hate this. She and I are 38, not getting any younger and we had what seemed like a relationship that worked well. I regret not giving her space but when she won't talk to me, what do I do? I know she has to work her recovery. I was there through the entire process. I did nothing wrong (she even told me that) then why did she leave me!?!?

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Re: Addiction and recovery took my fiancee from me.

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Oct 21, 2017 5:09 pm

We really can't say whats going on with her. Early phase of recovery is a very delicate time. What we usually propose is you stick to your Al-anon program and work the 12 steps yourself and have a spiritual awakening. You will then be able to look at the world with different perspective.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Addiction and recovery took my fiancee from me.

Postby clouds » Sun Oct 22, 2017 4:05 am

This is a heartbreak I understand, not from a relationship but from some of my family. My dad never did sober up, my daughter was a serious drug user and alcoholic. She was able to get 5 years sobriety beginning in her teens but relapsed and spent 20 some years nearly killing herself. It was very scary times for the whole family. Alanon family groups have the answer for those who are having to stand by and watch the process of alcoholism and its destructiveness. We can live and even love and be friendly, helpful and supportive even though the alcoholic is still in their cups.

Have hope, there is every reason to have hope for so many of us have been able to find a life opposite to the one we used to live.

As Avaneesh suggested the 12 steps are there for you too.

Best wishes.

By the way, my daughter has now over 2 years sobriety and sponsors others who have drug and alcohol problems, so just believe it can happen and keep yourself in good spiritual condition, be a friend to yourself. She must find recovery in her own way, perhaps she feels ashamed or confused at the moment and needs space to sort so many things out including herself.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Addiction and recovery took my fiancee from me.

Postby JohnDaniels » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:09 am

Eric I know this is breaking your heart buddy. In your writing I can feel your pain to the point my eyes are about to water up remembering the times I went through similar relationships ending like yours. The worst part of it was when I would see her driving around or in a store or someplace. That pain was worse than loosing someone to a death (which I have). It was worse than a death at times because about the time I started healing, I saw her and the healing scars opened up all over again as if someone was pouring salt into them. I'm not dwelling on the pains of the past here buddy, I'm just letting you know I understand where you're coming from. I had one wife die from a drug overdose back in the daze.

Eric ole buddy, this is going to take some time to heal from, especially with the upcoming holidays that will be all knew for just you. SO, prepare for it, and lighten your load as much as possible. Spend some time over the holidays with family and friends. I know your going to likely feel like you're hurting and missing her more than ever during those times. It's part of our alcoholic nature to get into a crowd to escape our loneliness but it only makes us feel even more lonely. BUT it doesn't have to be that bad if we prepare for it. You will find you are much stronger than you think.

You may even try to go through some rebound relationships but I'd caution against it now days due to all the STD's out there like HIV and AIDS. Be careful bud!

When I went through something like you're going through I wanted her back so badly! I was told "Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it". Today I can see that was the wisest piece of advice I ever got in my life. I say that because I eventually met and married my bride that is so far above and beyond those other relationships I had. There's just no comparison. My bride and I recently celebrated our 37 year anniversary after some stable sober time in AA.

Eric take this piece of advice from an old fart: This has been my experience in AA recovery and it may likely be yours too - God will bless me by adding everything I need in my life to stay sober and happy because God loves me. God will also take anything from my life that is a detriment to my happiness and sobriety. Eric old buddy, I have to believe that for my own piece of mind.

Now Eric I suspect you live in the southwest and not all that far from me. I build hotrods and surfboards for a living even at my dust farting age. So don't think you have to be all alone without any support during this trying time or these upcoming holidays. You can send me a private message if you wish and we can talk in further detail. I've been in AA sober a long time and am well known to have a big set of shoulders for my AA pals.

I want to hear from you buddy

Peace be with you
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