I want to share this.

Some alcoholics still have families when they get to AA. This is a place to ask questions and share experiences about relating to family members sober, especially when newly sober. (If you are not an alcoholic, please use the "Our Friends and Families" forum.)

I want to share this.

Postby blokecalledkev » Thu Jun 15, 2017 5:55 pm

I am new here and this has taken a great deal of time and thought for me to join this group and share my story. I am not an alcoholic but have lived, all my life with one.

My dad was an alcoholic, I say was because he died two years ago, just before christmas and here in lies my story.

All my life, for as long as I remember my dad drank, any given occasion he drank. Any family gathering or celebration was simply another reason to drink. Most of the time we accepted it, it was "just the way he was" a man who enjoyed a drink. I could not even begin to list the family get togethers where it was simply ruined by his drinking. He was not a nice drinker but a nasty bully, aggressive drinker, who turned really nasty against us when he drank.

About six years ago he started to limp and after much coaxing we saw why. His feet were turning black and we eventually convinced him to go to the doctor. The doctor diagnosed it as gangrene and referred him to a specialist, with the view to ampulation. The specialist decided that stents was the answer and major surgery was arranged. My old man was told, prior to surgery, to stop drinking, he didn't. Surgery took place on both legs and during his recovering he developed pneumonia and was put into intensive care on life support. We were told, at the time, given his age and condition he would be lucky to survive. He did survive and was discharged from hospital four weeks later. He was completely dried out and had been give a second chance.

The first thing he did was get smashed and continue to get smashed. Except this time he was on super strong medicine, pain killers, anti bionics, anti inflamitorries, you name it he was on it and none of this was alcohol friendly. He used to wash his drugs down with a bottle of wine.

Eventually, two years ago, he collapsed from a massive heart attack and you know what it never even bothered me. Here was a man that had been given a second chance, a new start and didn't take it, he simply didn't care for anything or anybody but his booze.

So, two years later here I am and the saddest part of it is I have no memories of him as my dad. All I have is memories of a drunken bully, who basically died years before he actually did and cared nothing for us and his family. I have no fond memories of him, nothing to weep over and this is why i feel so bad and wish to get this out.

I don't actually know why I am writing this or posting it, I just want to get it out of my system , maybe of how alcoholism robbed me of my dad and our children of their grandad.

Kev.
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Re: I want to share this.

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Jun 16, 2017 3:58 am

Thanks for the story. Unfortunately an alcoholic without help is like exactly what our text book describes:

The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept he home in turmoil.

What I would suggest is, you could relieve yourself of this pain by attending al-anon meetings. Or read some spiritual books like A new Earth by Eckhart Tolle. In this book he beautifully illustrates how the mind doesn't give up the past and live in the moment using the monks story:

The inability or rather unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is beautifully illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have
ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side. The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. “Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to do things like that.”

“I put the girl down hours ago,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”

Now imagine what life would be like for someone who lived like Ekido all the time, unable or unwilling to let go internally of situations, accumulating more and more “stuff' inside, and you get a sense of what life is like for the majority of people on our planet. What a heavy burden of past they carry around with them in their minds.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: I want to share this.

Postby Brock » Fri Jun 16, 2017 6:07 am

Thanks for your post Kev, I hope getting it out on paper may have helped you somewhat.

What you see as his being given a 'second chance,' I am quite sure he didn't see, we accept the view that alcoholism is a disease, early in our main text we see a section called 'The Doctors Opinion,' perhaps you will read it after. http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

I have had cancer twice, on the last occasion about nine years ago, I was as bad an alcoholic as I believe one can be, couldn't hold the glass each morning due to shaking hands, took a few drinks using a straw to settle them down, each and every morning for many years. I had to be detoxed before the cancer operation and felt better, said God please see me through this and I will be a good boy, will not touch a drink again. Just like your Dad, within a couple of weeks I said thanks God, now let's have a drink to celebrate. Not until some months after, when my wife decided I must be mad, and I was put into a mental hospital, did I start to see that maybe I could find a way out. In AA they said you have a disease, you are not at fault, and we have a solution if you really want it. Fortunately for those like myself and others here we found the solution, unfortunately for very many others like your Dad, they did not.

I believe we all have Dad's that did their best, whatever their best was, some don't even stick around to see their children grow. And we as parents tend to try doing things different from the things that hurt us as kids, but I bet we make our own mistakes, and we will do things our children will count as a bad memory.

Your Dad is an example of an alcoholic that did not find help, it may not be easy, but try to believe that he didn't have much choice in living like he did.
The seed has been planted in his mind. He knows that thousands of men, much like himself, have recovered. B.B. P.113
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Re: I want to share this.

Postby ODAAT » Fri Jun 16, 2017 6:36 am

Thanks for sharing your story, BCK. That took some courage to spill it out. You've had a rough go if it. Al-Anon can help you with your pain and anger.

You're very angry. It's probably not going to go away by itself. You deserve to feel well.

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Re: I want to share this.

Postby positrac » Fri Jun 16, 2017 8:16 am

Your story is much like ours as we all got our start from some example. I know you are hardened by the past and the way things became in the lives of you and the rest of the family. I hope you would consider getting additional help to rid the anger, frustration and just that drunken way that was put upon you with no asking at all. We all have our scars no matter which end of the bottle we were on and so you deserve better. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself and know the signs that might help another in this crazy black hole called addiction.


Thanks for your time I know I could relate very well to your story.
A light heart lives long.
-Irish Proverb
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Re: I want to share this.

Postby Spirit Flower » Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:46 pm

Kev, have you read some books for adult children of alcoholics? I was the child of an alcoholic and came squirting out of childhood with PTSD. PTSD stays with us but can be treated. Your life with an alcoholic affected you but it can be healed.
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Re: I want to share this.

Postby blokecalledkev » Sat Jun 17, 2017 2:00 pm

Thank you everybody, I am sorry , truly sorry. I really don't know why i posted this, I guess i just wanted to see it. To put into words what it did to us.

I know alcoholism is a disease and I really understand how hard it must be for anybody suffering from this. But this dreadful affliction as robbed me, us, of my dad.

I didn't mourn or cry when he passed away and even now, two years after he passed away I have no fond memories of him. This is what hurts, the fact that all I remember of my dad was a drunken bully who didn't care less who he hurt so long as he had his drink. I have actually burst into tears watching Tv ( and I am actually 55 years old ) when I see father son relationships, all buddy, buddy. Because I never had it.

I feel I have nothing to mourn, no fond memories, just booze fuelled anger. As dreadful as this may sound I was actually felt relieved, it was over. He couldn't hurt us anymore.

Please, please don't feel obligated to respond and offer comfort. This is not what i am after. I just want to know that somebody, anybody, as read this and understands.

Thank you for reading.

Kev.
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Re: I want to share this.

Postby Noels » Sat Sep 09, 2017 8:05 am

Hi Kev and welcome to e-AA. I am an alcoholic in recovery and although my parents didn't drink I felt you through your words. Your feelings regarding your late father didn't come through to me as anger, irritation or bitterness no, it came to me as sadness because you know it could have been so different, disappointment because somehow, regardless of how we are being treated by someone who we love we always have that tiny bit of hope and belief that 'it will change '. Especially with children and parents. I've had the honour to work with primary school children some time back and from those discussions as well as some conversations with social /welfare workers I've learned that no matter how badly a child is treated whilst young - physical /mental /emotional abuse. ..... most of them would rather remain in the care of the abusive parent than be removed from the home. Heartbreakingly sad.
From the loss of my own parents many years ago - and my parents was the best I could ever have prayed for - I learned that regardless of how much or how little we did for them while they were alive we always feel that we could have and should have done more. My mom past away 20 years ago and dad 2 years later and it took me this long to finally understand that 'feeling guilty ' because it could have been different if we just tried harder or did more is actually part of the grieving process - the accept that it was what it was, I did my best at that time with the knowledge and abilities I had, and start concentrating on moving forward with your own life. - be the best that YOU can possibly be now without the shadow of your late father following you, taking the sunshine from your life anymore.
I am truly sorry for your loss. May you be blessed with happiness, love and everything good from hereon. You are worth it.
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