Infidelity

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CharlieM
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Infidelity

Post by CharlieM » Mon Jun 25, 2018 12:58 pm

Any thoughts on infidelity... I have done unspeakable things while drinking.... behind my partners back. I never thought of infedelity once during periods in my marriage while sober and I’m not sure what this means. This will end my relationship and I feel conflicted.

Any insight?

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Brock
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Re: Infidelity

Post by Brock » Mon Jun 25, 2018 1:26 pm

Welcome to e-AA Charlie.

My experience is that nothing is ‘unspeakable’ in AA, and when I came to my 5th step, I held back something I consider worse than infidelity until the end. When I dropped the bomb, the fellow hearing it just smiled and said he had heard worse, and I spoke about infidelity as well, because I was also guilty of that.

After this I was able to forgive myself, and saw no need to burden my wife with such things, and the literature supports that, we don’t go telling others things which will hurt them. You will forgive yourself, and your relationship should not be affected in any way. One of the things that helped give me the ‘guts’ to speak out everything in my 5th, was a speaker tape on you tube I had listened to, I think it was by Clancy I. He said he liked sometimes to drive to a meeting which was an hour and a half away. If he had a fifth step to help someone with he would invite them and do it on the way back, and start by saying, 'look it's late and I don't want to fall asleep driving, so please no boring stories like having sex with a goat.'

These forums are open to any questions or comments, thanks for joining and posting an interesting subject.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

Greywolf
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Re: Infidelity

Post by Greywolf » Tue Jun 26, 2018 6:30 am

CharlieM wrote:Any thoughts on infidelity... I have done unspeakable things while drinking.... behind my partners back. I never thought of infedelity once during periods in my marriage while sober and I’m not sure what this means. This will end my relationship and I feel conflicted.

Any insight?
Just practice these principles in all your affairs. :roll:

You don't mention how long since your last drink but if it is relatively short, you might consider doing what I did.
1.) Wait until your thinking clears up or at least slows down before making any irreversible decisions.
2.) Same as 1. Letting time elapse between the deed and the telling makes for better reception of the telling. "Honey, I had an affair 10 years ago" will not go over good but "Honey, I screwed your sister last week." Well... be ready to duck.

Saying "I'm an recovered alcoholic" to a prospective employer when I had 5 weeks dry time was different than when I had 5 years dry time. The first instance is alarming. The second instance is of little consequence.

Good luck with this. Remember, don't take a drink even if your ass falls off. =biggrin
I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care.

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PaigeB
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Re: Infidelity

Post by PaigeB » Tue Jun 26, 2018 10:49 am

Remember, don't take a drink even if your ass falls off
... put it on a wagon and take it to a meeting!

I heard a gal speak from the podium one night. She mentioned her infidelities of the past. It is an issue that once looked so dark that she would never thought it possible to speak of freely. But with AA we find in the BB The Family Afterward, p.124: Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have -- the key to life and happiness for others.

That does not mean go blabbing to your partner. Some things I will only share one on one with another alcoholic. But there is hope... with working the Steps 4-9... you will Know what to do.
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

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avaneesh912
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Re: Infidelity

Post by avaneesh912 » Tue Jun 26, 2018 11:18 am

Remember, don't take a drink even if your ass falls off
... put it on a wagon and take it to a meeting!
Unfortunately alcoholics first drink because their ass has fallen off. And later on move to a different home group and pick a white chip there.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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positrac
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Re: Infidelity

Post by positrac » Wed Jun 27, 2018 3:02 am

^^^^^ I can relate^^^^^

I have been sober longer than I have been married and so this topic is N/A. But I did mess around a fair bit single and drinking and I didn't care because it was my duty!!!! I know really arrogant and not PC in our world today. But I am of the opinion that if you confess you past via the 5th step then we/I/ you can work on making our lives better. Now if your partner played the field as well then I believe you'll need more support from your sponsor or another woman with similar past to explain and coach you as to not get a resentment that sends you out drinking from anger and remorse.

I hope you can hold your own and not ruin another's life as to clean your side of the street. Not judging here but hoping you will get sober and have a productive future.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
George Allen, Sr.

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