My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sober?

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emeraldg
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My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sober?

Post by emeraldg »

Hello everyone,

I have prayed about this and discussed this with my sponsor but I'd also love your guidance please and thank you. A young sponsee of mine is 7 months sober and 7 months post seperation from her husband. She also has a daughter. She is a lovely young woman but she likes to keep her social/love life very private. I think she has been on a couple of coffee outings with men, nothing more. She did have a one night stand a few months ago with a man in the program in a different city but they mutually kept it private and quiet and both did not want to date the other. She told me she had not slept with a man (including her husband) in over a year. They both handled it very well with little negative emotion and no relapse. She was not at all interested in romance. Anyhow there is another man in the program with several years sobriety who lives in an entirely different city who is very interested in my sponsee. I have reservations about this. They met because I am friends with this young man's sponsor and we go out as a group with several men and women after a meeting each week. I can see the way this young man looks at and is so kind to my sponsee.

This young man's sponsor tells me he really cares about my sponsee but has put limits around it. For example, they only go out as a group etc. This young man has also stated he is willing to wait for my sponsee before taking their friendship to any intimate level. His sponsor says he is a lovely young man and can't help falling for my sponsee.

The sponsor does not seem to have an issue with this, and says maybe god put them together and as long as they are taking their time and not rushing and sober, we should probably leave them be.

What do you all think?

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Brock
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by Brock »

The sponsor does not seem to have an issue with this, and says maybe god put them together and as long as they are taking their time and not rushing and sober, we should probably leave them be.
I do believe this is the wisest thing to do, especially since both of them seem to be serious about their sobriety and are acting in a mature way, best of luck to both them and yourself.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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PuppyEars
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by PuppyEars »

emerald, how fresh is page 417 in your life?
1488

Reborn
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by Reborn »

PuppyEars wrote:emerald, how fresh is page 417 in your life?
Bingo!!
We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. BB pg 132

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avaneesh912
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by avaneesh912 »

Clear cut directions from the big book.
We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

Noels

Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by Noels »

Hi Emerald :D it's sweet of you to care about your sponsee but I agree with Brock. They're taking it slow and putting their sobriety first. The potential relationship if we can call it that at this stage is developing within the suggested guidelines. So chill and carry on with your sponsees stepwork . You are clearly doing a great job there so leave the rest to your and your sponsees HP.
Love and light
Noels

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positrac
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by positrac »

I was told to wait a year before I got emotionally engaged with the opposite sex due to being fragile and mentally unstable as recovery in itself is a huge learning curve and every newcomer was told the same thing as we would see them relapse over sex and relationships for the single folks. Being married had its own set of issues in early recovery.
This is the hardest part of the program is the attraction and some of those who go scouting for some action.

You can only do so much and I believe that you should agree to maybe compartmentalize this subject as to not interfere on a regular basis and have the caveat that if she has a burning desire to talk you listen and try not to control. I am not saying you would but we are human and we do make friends we care for and hate to see un-necessary struggles in their journey.

I met my wife in the rooms and our sobriety times were drastically different at the time and so it can work as we've been married almost 17 years.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
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emeraldg
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by emeraldg »

Thank you so much all. I was concerned because she does have a history of filling her voids with men and sex. I don't know about when she was married (as I mentioned she has been legally separated for 7 months and neither she nor her husband are working it out and are proceeding with a very amicable, quick divorce), but I know she has always looked to fill her defects with men. For the past 7 months she has been filling her void with her higher power and healthy choices, aside from the one night stand with the man mentioned in my OP. She fully admitted that it was wrong and a mistake and her and that man made amends to one another and moved on from it and she has not done it again. She stated to me that the one night stand mistake was akin to being born as a new person. That she was like a newborn baby coming into the program, trying to navigate the world and that babies need to make mistakes to learn. Through the program she is becoming a grown up who doesn't need to look to others to fix her defects or repeat her mistakes, she really sees them as learning in this new sober and healthy life and feels that she is becoming a person that her god intended her to be. She is a beautiful woman, accentuated by the fact that despite the fact that she dresses extremely modestly, she often attends meetings before and after work, and so her hair, makeup and wardrobe is always meticulous and beautiful and she definitely turns heads in any room, often from men who are still sick who proposition her.

That being said, she is becoming so healthy and learning in leaps and bounds. She is a legitimate genius, one can tell by how she speaks. She likely has very high functioning autism/aspergers. It has been difficult for her to grasp social cues, particularly from men, and then feels sad when she is propositioned. With a lot of insight and counseling, her boundaries are tremendously improved. If a man is coming into her personal space while conversing, she will continue to take a step back and will cross her arms over herself and then excuse herself.

This 3 year sober young man who my friend sponsors and who I believe is growing to love my sponsee....they really are putting boundaries around their developing feelings. They do not spend any time together alone, they do not have each other's contact information and they only socialize in a group coffee or meeting situation. When they do not see one another at a meeting for a while they do ask how each other are doing. They are taking things very slowly, neither are being inappropriate or predatory and I believe that they will wait for one another if god wants them to be together. I believe that is unlike any relationship she has ever had with a man, as she always rushed into sex/relationships quickly. At the same time, this young man makes it rather clear (to me, I am not sure about my sponsees perspective due to her difficulties with social cues) that he is courting her, even in a group situation. He offers to buy her coffee, holds doors for her, pulls her seat out for her and is a complete gentleman with her. I foresee that inevitably at some point this young man and woman might want to spend some time together alone. Are there any suggestions that I could make as to when a more appropriate time might be to do so? Please let me know any thoughts you may have about this.
Last edited by emeraldg on Fri Jul 08, 2016 11:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Layne
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by Layne »

My thoughts are:

way more second hand personal information than is my business

she is learning and growing

he is learning and growing

life is occurring

and it is happening just fine without my input

Noels

Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by Noels »

Hi Emerald :D sounds like things are happening exactly as it should so once again. .... read Brocks and my previous responses wherein we suggested to let it be. Our answers are not going to change hon. Step away from their prospective relationship and continue and concentrate on the stepwork with your sponsee. And read your own post again. You have given yourself the answer in your own post. The sponsee have already changed her old habits regarding relationships and hiding her defects With relationships and sex. They are not 'dating ' as such. Let it go and let God.
Love and light
Noels

emeraldg
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by emeraldg »

Noels wrote:Hi Emerald :D sounds like things are happening exactly as it should so once again. .... read Brocks and my previous responses wherein we suggested to let it be. Our answers are not going to change hon. Step away from their prospective relationship and continue and concentrate on the stepwork with your sponsee. And read your own post again. You have given yourself the answer in your own post. The sponsee have already changed her old habits regarding relationships and hiding her defects With relationships and sex. They are not 'dating ' as such. Let it go and let God.
Love and light
Noels
Thank you Noels. You offer a wonderful perspective. Do you feel that this "relationship" is an exception to the "one year" rule? Shall I suggest to my sponsee to avoid alone time with this gentleman until she has been sober for a year? Thanks so much :)

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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by Jaywalker Steve »

avaneesh912 wrote:Clear cut directions from the big book.
We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
Thank you Avaneesh! Couldn't agree more.

Step 1 reads, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable." Unfortunately for us, unmanageability manifests itself in ways that take others down with us. Fortunately for us, sanity comes from fearlessly and thoroughly taking the remaining steps and finding a new manager in the process.
Every group has men and women who put too much thought and effort into their daily sobriety and not enough of themselves into their daily living. - Ed B., Akron, OH

Noels

Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by Noels »

Hi Emerald, I feel that this is not really a relationship as such so you don't need to worry or do anything about it. They see each other in group and that's about it. Apart from that they seem to have a great understanding about their sobriety and the program. I feel that your sponsee have learned and listened well and you should stay out of it completely. Don't even mention it anymore. Put it out of your mind. We are not here to interfere in their lives, make decisions for them or transmit our fears onto them. We are here to guide until they're strong enough and they are comfortable with their sobriety, the program and their Higher Power. Then we slowly let go and trust that their Higher Power will take them further.
You have done well with your sponsee so far. Now you need to trust that she will start to make the right choices on her own with her Higher Power.
You and I was afforded that chance - to learn from our own experience. Grant her the same trust.
If God can love AND TRUST us so much to give us free will and the ability to choose for ourselves, who are we to try and choose for another?
Trust her. Trust in what you have taught her and leave the POSSIBLE relationship issue alone.
That's my feeling and what I would do in this situation.
Nite nite, take care and chat again soon.
Mwah
Noels xxx

emeraldg
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by emeraldg »

Thank you so very much. I listened to your guidance and followed it. My sponsee wanted to see this young man again, so his sponsor and I arranged for a meeting and group coffee last night with all of us. I sat back and listened and observed the reality of the situation. The more she reveals in discussion meetings about her past, her bottom, her learning, her defects and her story the more this man is attracted to her. I can see it so clearly. What some may perceive as her "social difficulties" or "social akwardness"...this young man laughs genuinely and whole heartedly along with her and clearly sees it in a positive light. Perhaps that's what it looks like to truly love someone else that our HP's have put into our path. We don't need to be anything or anyone else than who and what we are.

Afterwards, we went for coffee. His sponsor and I had our own side conversation at the table and the 2 of them were talking about their own thing. So much laughter. When we were leaving he wanted to walk her to her car. I heard him ask her if it was OK that he guide her on her lower back with his hand and she agreed. He then asked if he could hug her goodbye and she said yes and they did. It was very nice to see. His sponsor told me that this young man would like to ask her away for a weekend to a wedding in 2 months time. He said despite her relatively early sobriety, he thinks she is clear headed and putting her sobriety first and that he feels that what is happening between these 2 is probably not something we can or should stop, that this is god's work and that he thinks it is all unfolding as it should.

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Spirit Flower
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Re: My sponsee 7 months sober seeing another AA 3 years sobe

Post by Spirit Flower »

It would disgust and annoy me to have 2 sponsors judging a new relationship of mine like this.
...a score card reading zero...

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