Please help!! Daughter in law question

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emeraldg
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Please help!! Daughter in law question

Post by emeraldg »

Hello again everyone,

As always I appreciate and am so thankful for all of your guidance and advice. I get so much perspective from this forum.
I have another (sorry, fairly long) question and I didn't exactly know which board to put it under so I wrote it here- hopefully that is OK :)

I have 2 adult children, a son and a daughter. They are close in age and both have 1 child each. My son and daughter in law live in the same city as my husband and I (with their daughter who is 3), and my daughter lives an hour and a half away with her husband and their son who is 6. I spent a great majority of my grandson's life helping to raise him along with a live in nanny, as my daughter and her husband are both doctors with active social lives. I have always spent far more time with my grandson than my granddaughter as a result, despite the fact that my granddaughter has a developmental disability. My husband and I think my daughter needs help more and travel to her home very often to care for her child.

My son on the other hand and his wife struggle financially and with their daughter. His wife and I really got along in the beginning of their relationship, but that really seemed to change after they got married and especially after they had their daughter. I get the feeling she does not like me. I will give some examples, and would love your honest insights, opinions and feedback please and thank you.

For example, she just does not do things our families way. When I went to visit my granddaughter after she was born I noticed their home was very clean and commented on it and said "you know, my daughter's home isn't that clean because she feels that the baby is more important". Her response? A sarcastic "wow! good for her!"
She sends thank you cards for everything and cards on every occasion and I do not understand it. When I asked her why she does this, she responded "it's how I was raised, and how I would like to raise my daughter". She sends us valentines from my granddaughter (we don't send one back) and sends me a mother's day card, to which I do not thank her for or return one. Her and my son have also alluded in the past that they feel my husband and I play "favorites" with my daughter's son by spending far more time with him. One time I asked her how her friend Sara was doing, who I had met previously at some of my son and daughter in laws events. She responded "Oh I haven't talked to Sara in a long time", to which I simply said "Just because I don't really like certain people doesn't mean I wouldn't not talk to them". She appeared to get annoyed by this.

I was visiting my son's house recently and everything was going well. My daughter in law mentioned a program she discovered that would give her and my son some respite for special needs kids. I told her she did not need respite and that it is a parents job to look after their child with special needs. She completely ignored me. A few minutes later she mentioned how sorry she felt for a friend of hers, as this friend was a single parent of twins with autism. My response was "well maybe she should do right by her kids and hire a live in nanny like my daughter does". Her response? "Well, not everyone is a doctor who can afford a live in nanny like your daughter does". I began to argue back and she interrupted me and walked upstairs without saying goodbye. She gets along quite well with my husband. It has come to the point my son and her seem to avoid ever coming over for dinner and she will only visit when it is large family gatherings.

Am I missing something here honestly? I just don't understand her at all. Could I do something to improve things? Am I doing things that are detrimental to my relationship with my son, daughter in law and granddaughter? Please help!

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leejosepho
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Re: Please help!! Daughter in law question

Post by leejosepho »

emeraldg wrote:My son and daughter in law live in the same city as my husband and I (with their daughter who is 3)...my granddaughter has a developmental disability...
My son...and his wife struggle financially and with their daughter...

...[daughter in law] just does not do things our families way. When I went to visit my granddaughter after she was born I noticed their home was very clean and commented on it and said "you know, my daughter's home isn't that clean because she feels that the baby is more important". Her response? A sarcastic "wow! good for her!"
Comparing your daughter-in-law and daughter with each other is never going to be helpful to anyone. But beyond that, your daughter-in-law is the one who most needs any help and support you might have to offer in relation to a grandchild.
emeraldg wrote:She sends thank you cards for everything and cards on every occasion and I do not understand it.
She is more family-oriented and community-minded than concerned about "our family's way" that seems (at least to me) to focus upon something different.
emeraldg wrote:[She] and my son have also alluded in the past that they feel my husband and I play "favorites" with my daughter's son by spending far more time with him.
I would agree, and I would say the above "our family's way" conflict that does not interest them is the cause.
emeraldg wrote:One time I asked her how her friend Sara was doing, who I had met previously at some of my son and daughter in laws events. She responded "Oh I haven't talked to Sara in a long time", to which I simply said "Just because I don't really like certain people doesn't mean I wouldn't not talk to them". She appeared to get annoyed by this.
It is not your place to judge her even if you could prove she is consciously avoiding someone just because of some alleged dislike.
emeraldg wrote:My daughter in law mentioned a program she discovered that would give her and my son some respite for special needs kids. I told her she did not need respite and that it is a parents job to look after their child with special needs.
Yes, and with no help or support from you, correct? Dump all of that "our family's way" stuff and tell your daughter-in-law you are beginning to see some of your error and would like to know how you can be helpful to her.
emeraldg wrote:She gets along quite well with my husband.
Maybe he can help you see where you need to make some changes.
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Layne
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Re: Please help!! Daughter in law question

Post by Layne »

Whenever I find myself in similar territory, I try to remember the sage advice to be found in the prayer of St Francis.

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Brock
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Re: Please help!! Daughter in law question

Post by Brock »

I think Lee made some valid observations, and the prayer Layne suggested wouldn't hurt, but really, I have read the original post a couple of times and have trouble believing it, nothing makes any sense, and I am sorry if I hurt your feelings pointing out why I think that way.

Child A with money and live in nanny, lives one and a half hours away, child B with little money and special needs lives in same city, and you spend “a great majority” of your free time helping child A, as Judge Judy would pronounce it, riiiiiiidiculous. I would say the same thing about every other question and comment - “I told her she did not need respite and that it is a parents job to look after their child with special needs." She speaks about her friend single parent of two autistic kids and you say - "well maybe she should do right by her kids and hire a live in nanny like my daughter does.” You ask about her friend and because she hasn’t talked to her for some time you impose your opinion - "Just because I don't really like certain people doesn't mean I wouldn't not talk to them."
Am I missing something here honestly? I just don't understand her at all. Could I do something to improve things?
I would do things opposite of the way you are doing them now, help those who need it most, think before I speak and mind my own business, in other words more like the AA way. Sorry about the 'rough' reply, but that's the way I see it.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

emeraldg
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Re: Please help!! Daughter in law question

Post by emeraldg »

I'm sorry that it seems like it doesn't make any sense. I can understand that. It's just that I do not understand where my daughter in law is coming from and why she gets so upset over simple, helpful and innocent suggestions and advice.

emeraldg
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Re: Please help!! Daughter in law question

Post by emeraldg »

I also feel sad, like I can't do anything right at all. One time I said to my granddaughter "you need a brother or sister so you won't be so lonely" and my daughter in law snapped at me that "she's fine". Like I can't say anything at all

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Chelle
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Re: Please help!! Daughter in law question

Post by Chelle »

Keep coming back

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