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Young girl relatively new to sobriety...issues

Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2016 12:31 pm
by emeraldg
Hello everyone,

I wanted to post about a relatively new young lady to AA who is relatively new to sobriety. She is one of the youngest members in our city's meetings if I were to guess. Probably 20's. I will say she is respectful and polite to everyone but has a real thing for men. For example, she sits with men often, chats more often with them and appears to subtly "flirt" with them. She will offer a couple of them rides and her number (she has also given her number to several women too). She is married but has alluded her relationship to being "very broken" in meetings due to her alcoholism. She will dress nicely and put on makeup for meetings.

I haven't heard anything about her outright or aggressively hitting on men or having affairs with any of them- just these subtle little things. I haven't heard that any of the men have complained about it, but it really annoys one of my girlfriends and I in the program. I would assume that if any of these men are married, their partners would feel the same way I do. I try and tell myself perhaps it is because at her very first AA meeting, it was a majority male group and therefore lent her a lot of support.

Why is she behaving this way? And, why are my friend and I so annoyed and upset by this?

Thank you all very much.

Re: Young girl relatively new to sobriety...issues

Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2016 1:25 pm
by Barbara D.
Hi Emerald! I'm old now but I remember.

My first thought to your question was that this young gal isn't playing by your rules or by AA's rules as you understand them. Early on, after my divorce, I admit I went to a lot of meetings with more than one motivation. Yes, checking out men got me to a lot of meetings. Fortunately I mostly got pulled into the topic and got recovery out of the meeting. As far as I recall, this kind of thing goes on in face-to-face meetings all the time. Now, I participate in AA online only.

The way I understand it, a chairperson or any of the rest of us can't do anything to "correct" anybody else's behavior unless he or she is disrupting a meeting. I can talk about the issue in the Group only as a matter of my own experience, strength, & hope. And I can always have 1 on 1 conversations with a sponsor or anyone whose opinion I respect. If I talk about something that bothers me secretly to another person whom it bothers, that would encourage my own resentment and gossip and "stir the pot," so to speak. Of course, I'm anti-conflict. I am honest to a fault when asked, however.

I hope my ESH is of use to you. Good luck! In fellowship, Barbara D., an alcoholic living in South Carolina, USA.

Re: Young girl relatively new to sobriety...issues

Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2016 1:51 pm
by PaigeB
Ooohhh there's a toughie! I am old too... alas. LOL, I will try to recall that far backwards!

I was scared of women. All of my friends were men and sex was fun, sometimes a commodity or a currency, other times it was part of a "job interview". I can see myself back then - and I did get sober when I was pregnant 26 years ago - stayed sober 3 years but never worked the Steps. My relationship with the baby's daddy ended in a whirl of booze & cocaine and violence. I went to live with my dad and went to AA. But I still could not imagine myself on my own with a child or without alcohol. This was my 4th child though, the first one kidnapped by his father when I left his father and the other 3 I let my husband have custody in the divorce because he was set to remarry the day we finalized. I had tried AA at various times in this era as well, but there had always been a man, not my father, in my life who provided food, shelter and transportation. I didn't know how to drive or have a real job until later than most girls. but Hummm - good relationships right? Well, my parents divorced when I was 12 and my mom did well enough on her own, a bit mad at the world of men, but very successful. I guess I just could not imagine myself alone nor could I imagine myself with or without alcohol.

Maybe someday she will find her way to the Steps and lasting sobriety. But she may need other things first. 26 years ago I was an alcoholic, but that was not my point of desperation. She might be shopping for a man who does not have a drinking problem. Maybe she needs a driving lesson or a job and an apartment - she may need to know that she is a capable woman before she can see that alcohol is bringing that woman down. She may need both at the same time. I hope she finds that the women love her no matter what so that whether she stays or goes & comes back she will know that she has a place here with us. I finally re-found AA only 6 years ago. This year I will be 50 something, lol.

If it was me sitting around the tables with her? I would insinuate myself into her life and find a way to be of service to her! I might teach her how to laugh!