Page 1 of 1

9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 9:56 am
by rehjaegerin
I just got out of a relationship with someone else in the rooms and the breakup has been incredibly hurtful. I've been doing all the right things (calling my sponsor and other people in my network, meetings, praying a LOT, asking others how they are doing, etc.) but every day I feel like there's no place for me in the rooms anymore. I feel betrayed and like I might as well be back out there. I don't want to drink, but I feel like drinking. I'm at a loss. It feels like my relationship with god is getting lost in all this too, and like he is withdrawing from my life. I used to feel like he was in the room with me whenever I prayed but now I don't feel him there anymore. I just did my 5th-7th steps with my sponsor about 2 weeks ago and have been praying for god to remove my defects every morning and night and for a short time I felt it working and felt so close to god, but now I just feel all this backwards progress.

I'm hoping there's someone else who has had this happen to them and got through it and can tell me what they did.

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 12:14 pm
by Reborn
Remember nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. God is always there my friend...if you feel distant from God ask yourself...who moved? It is easy to get sucked back into self-pity when these life events happen...acceptance is the key. page 420

I must keep my magic maginifying mind off my expectations and on my acceptance. For my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this I can see I never had it so good. Thank God for AA!

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 3:40 pm
by Niagara
Hey there

My husband (we were together 11 years) left me two weeks after a proper step 5. Moved in with a girl from work he'd been seeing whilst we were together.

It was painful. I felt hurt, I felt betrayed...but, I also learned a lot from it. It was a tough time, no doubt about it, and for a while i felt cut off from God too. What I learned is that I was dependent on him - it was little to do with him, per se, it could have been some guy I'd met 3 months ago...but regardless, I was dependent on him to fix me, support me, be there for me, and no person is capable of doing that (fixing a spiritual problem). I've always done this, it was nothing new...but I needed this program (inventories, prayer, meditation) to begin to see these things for what they really are, and get rid of them.

What I've learned since that time is my reliance should be on God only. People will let me down...because my expectations of them are too high..and I'm a creature of more. No matter what they do for me, at some point, past the initial rush - which always felt like love, and it was great, and everything I ever wanted...and then it faded, and, it's not enough.
I cannot depend on a person/people, to make me feel whole.

I've come to accept that I have to get a relationship with myself, and with God, before I even think about a relationship with another man. I think I will only be in a good position to have a relationship, when regardless of my feelings for the person, I can be solid if they choose to leave (and this also gives me the freedom to leave if I choose). If I put everything into a relationship, what happens when it falls apart? So do I. I'd like to be in a relationship because I choose to be, not because I need to be.

I had to inventory (truthfully) about my part in the relationship. What were my motives for being there (and I don't mean 'I love him' because that for me, would just have been a cop out). When I got down and dirty, and prayed for insight, I didn't like what I found...the seedier aspects of my personality...but it was a necessary step. At the root of it all, I just really wanted someone to prop me up...and when I saw that, I really began to want rid of those particular defects. Nowadays I'm a single working mum, and learning to stand on my own two feet. The truth was nasty, but it set me free.

There is much to be learned here about yourself, if you're willing to dig deep.

What I also found that blocked me off from God (and it never fails and fear cannot work together) was the fear of 'how will I cope without him, will anyone ever want me again, am I doomed to be single forever, how will I cope financially' and all that jazz. Empty fears when it came to it. I'm coping just fine, so far nobody has wanted me again, and that's ok. Tell the truth, I like being single nowadays. I don't see being single forever as being doomed anymore, and financially I'm getting back on my feet. 18 months ago even, this would have been unthinkable. God is doing for me, what I could not do for myself.

Keep on with your program, whether or not you feel like it. You will grow, and this too shall pass.

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 5:29 am
by avaneesh912
I just did my 5th-7th steps with my sponsor about 2 weeks ago and have been praying for god to remove my defects every morning and night and for a short time I felt it working and felt so close to god, but now I just feel all this backwards progress.
So what did you find out about yourself? For me it was about not accepting life situations. Even now after 5 days short of 9 years, I sometimes run into situations like that. So, I had to revisit some of the situations and take a deep look at whats going on.

The upon awakening stuff: "we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.

So, if we are sincere about it, the book says: We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.

Try these, incorporate these in your morning meditation/prayers and try to execute it throughout the day. We will fail but, we just got to get up and move on. Just like Bush did. LOL.

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 8:14 am
by Layne
Whenever I start to experience similar feelings and feel like my higher power is withdrawing, I remind myself that I am not very good at multitasking. I find it virtually impossible for this alcoholic to be grateful and ungrateful at the same time.

Difficult situations present themselves as forks in the road of life. My higher power doesn't withdraw from me when I am faced with a fork in the road. He merely waits for my decision because he gave me free will for a reason. If I proceed down the side of ungrateful, he stands patiently and waits as I proceed on my path. Reminding myself of this usually results in quickly retracing my steps back to my higher power so we can proceed down the path of gratitude to our destination.

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 5:53 pm
by aaforever
When I study the steps I also study the traditions also since working the steps alone doesn't work for me. And sometims when my relationships go sour I try to meet new and exciting people since dating is fun. Which sometimes a bad relationship do make people go out and drink, but I have worked so hard being in and out of AA for 11 years now and will soon have 2 years of sobriety. Praying, believing in God, and attending meetings help me get through my problems.

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2015 5:21 pm
by Brock
i do not regard myself as an alcoholic anymore, i am out of that negative mindset for good.
Because of the belief I have in the program, and experience with both other alcoholics and some 'would be' alcoholics, who attend AA for reasons other than alcoholism, I am certain you never were an alcoholic of the type our literature describes. So for people such as yourself recovery on a non spiritual basis is common, as mentioned above there are others like yourself who attend AA and claim recovery without the steps, some go on to encourage real alcoholics to follow their lead, often with fatal results, such people are a blight on the fellowship.
...after speaking with a few who attend every day of the week i sense they are just living the same life i had done the previous year..
Recovered alcoholics have no reason to attend meetings every day, most of us are firm in the belief that meetings are not where we find sobriety, rather they are where we find new and real alcoholics who may require the assistance only another alcoholic can give. Most of those here report an average attendance of twice per week. my amazement i started to feel more confident and outgoing, my fear diminished and i started to focus on other parts of life around me...
If you were an alcoholic and did the steps these things and more would have happened to you, recovered alcoholics are some of the most outgoing adventurous people in the world, anyway I wish you the best with your current path, but as a courtesy you might consider that this is an AA site, try to keep any anti AA commentary to a minimum.

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2015 7:44 pm
by Reborn
I agree Brock...I'm glad you found a happy life with therapy and I wish you well, however there are alot of newcomer alcoholics who turn to this site for help and even a first look at AA...just remember sharing this type of thing has the power to kill people...Please share it elsewhere!!!

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2015 11:10 am
by Brock
On the first point: i was given 24 hours to live if i took another drink after being admitted to Antequera hospital in southern Spain, slightly longer longer if i left hospital and didnt drink, i stayed in for 6 weeks while my pancreas recovered so i am not understanding you definition of an alcoholic?
Many drinkers get sick from drinking, not all are alcoholics, and as I have said when the steps fail them because it was not what they needed, or they just don't do them at all, these people sometimes tell others who may be real alcoholics the sort of things you are saying. This quote from the big book speaks about hard drinkers -
 Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficiently strong reason ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.
Then in another thread you stated this -
I lost my craving for alcohol during my first week or so in AA…

What sort of alcoholic losses his craving in the first week or so? We are encouraged in our literature to never proclaim another person an alcoholic, he should determine this for himself, it doesn’t say anything about telling someone they are not alcoholic however, and you seem to fit that bill perfectly.

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2015 11:35 am
by Reborn
AA does not hold the cornerstone on recovery....there are many ways people get and stay sober...however this is an AA site so we stick to what has worked for us. There are many other sites you can go to and rant about why come here and do that? Newcomers have a hard enough time reaching I said this site is alot of these people's first look at AA....You're anti-AA stance does have the power to kill people. So I guess my question is...what the hell are you trying to prove? That an 80 year old spiritual program of action with millions of members world wide is wrong? Or is it perhaps as Brock're not one of us and trolling to stir up S***!

Re: 9 months sober and at a loss.

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2015 7:53 pm
by ezdzit247
Hi Empowered_1957

Thanks for sharing your ESH.

I think it's wonderful that you found a therapist you were able to trust and work with in a way that enabled you to dig deep enough to reach those buried memories of childhood trauma issues. Kudos for taking the initiative! Before I got to AA I also went to a very good therapist, a clinical psychologist, and had a similar breakthrough with my own repressed memories of childhood trauma and experienced a similar exhilaration. It was wonderful to finally be liberated from all that grief, pain, shame, guilt, humiliation, etc I'd been carrying around for so many years. The experience of releasing all those "secrets" and letting them go totally changed my attitude and outlook on life in general and my life in particular. I was able to experience the feelings of joy, love, hope, gratitude and actually smile again for the first time in years. The impact on my drinking habits was also phenomenal. I didn't feel the need to drink to relax, escape my depression or comfort myself and began to have days where I didn't drink at all and days where I would just have a couple of drinks and stop. It was amazing, a real turnaround from my former habit of drinking myself to sleep every night. The effect lasted for about four months for me and then somehow I regressed back to uncontrollable drinking. Your effect may last longer or even forever and that would be good thing. I'm really glad you haven't picked up that first drink again and hope you never do. I'm also glad to hear that you're still going to meetings once in a while and haven't burned all your bridges with your AA friends.