Hypocrites in AA

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Hypocrites in AA

Postby DiarmuidRyan » Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:16 am

I'm writing on here as someone who's been attending aa meetings on and off for 10 years now and have been attending my local meeting in Ireland for the past 3 months at least twice a week and I thought everything was going well up until a few weeks ago. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in 4 months now was following the programme saying the serenity prayer and reading the black book and thought I was making friends there and making real progress. Sadly due to the ignorance and hypocrisy of a few members who pulled a really sneaky stunt on me before Xmas my sobriety is now under serious threat. The incident in question revolved around the Christmas dinner the group were having when one member invited me to go then 3 of them concocted a plan to make me look dishonest when in fact they were the ones being dishonest. One member phoned me up out of the blue and said he was picking me up to bring me to the meeting that night and on this night this member was assigned to open up the building and we were the first people to arrive. This senior member opened the building and left me in then drove off saying he would be back in 15 minutes and if anyone asked to say the building was open when I arrived. This made me uncomfortable but I proceeded to put out the chairs and get the room ready. After being there a few minutes 2 other members came along and accused me of breaking in to the building which shocked me. I have no doubt this was a sneaky way of being able to have an excuse to omit me from the Xmas dinner because of their own personal unjustified resentments towards me. I'm still attending this group but have been omitted from sharing since the incident.These members are always preaching honesty how hypocritical can you be.I'm now harbouring resentments towards these members and the only things keeping me sober are my higher power and the fact that I refuse to be driven to drink by the ignorance of these smalltown fool's.
Last edited by DiarmuidRyan on Wed Jan 10, 2018 1:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby Brock » Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:12 pm

Welcome here.
I know well what small town small thinking folks can be like, I live in a small country in the West Indies, and my wife is from Arklow in co.Wicklow, I sure had the old biddies tongues waging in that town when we spent six weeks holiday there. Recently we had a thread here discussing what we tell new members to expect of AA, rather than just speaking about the good people which AA has so many of, I now try to remind new folks that it’s still people we are dealing with, and unfortunately not everyone follows the principles as they should.

Of course it’s easy for me to say you shouldn’t have fallen for the idea of saying the place was open when you arrived, and I am sure in retrospect you would agree, but what would be the motivation for someone to break into AA and start setting up chairs anyway, it makes no sense. I guess this is the only meeting in the town, so your options are limited, but I don’t believe that anyone has a right to stop someone from speaking, and it’s easy for me to say, but I would just speak out and tell them they are treating you unfairly. But I also believe we must not blow things out of proportion, I am guilty in the past of thinking all sorts of things were being said behind my back at various meetings, in the book we see this which is very true - “We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap.”

I think concentrating on the steps of the program is what we need, that is where the solution lies, when we complete 1- 9 and live in the solution of 10 – 12, meetings become more or less optional. There are stories in the book about those who lived where no meetings were possible, and got through fine, one good member here who just completed ten years, has never been to a live meeting in his life. Before I get in trouble with others, I am not saying that if meetings are available we don’t go, just that not everyone has the option of going, and sites like this and other online meetings fill a need sometimes.

I hope and pray you don’t let this be your downfall, as one who had many tries at AA myself, I can’t describe how wonderful it is to actually do the suggested steps, and grow in the spiritual solution they offer, never been happier in my life, and I had a pretty good life.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby DiarmuidRyan » Wed Jan 10, 2018 1:34 pm

Thanks I appreciate the reply and the sentiments but I'm sure you have a wife and family who care about you and keep you strong. I'm not so fortunate as any friends I have are either ones that don't talk to me anymore because of what I was like in alcoholism or else they are still in the throes of addiction and I just can't be around them if I want to stay sober. Then there's the people in AA who stab you in the back at me first opportunity. Sometimes when I pray god just sends me another test to try and stay sober by putting an active alcoholic my way I'm really beginning to think god just couldn't care less about me. Addiction is rife amongst my family as well and I've got no supports whatsoever and I have a 20 year old son who's now showing signs of the disease of addiction. I know I might sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself but the fact is people need other people and today I've been on my own all day no one came near me and sobriety is just not sustainable in the current situation. At the moment I feel I'd be better off drinking and be around people than be bitter and hurt and lonely in sobriety. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm on the verge of giving up. I've never felt worse mentally and emotionally and the reasons I stopped drinking were to have a better quality of life and to be a better person for myself and those around me not so as my life would be worse. And the bit at the end of your reply about this is your higher power speaking I won't be needing your help today I wonder what's that supposed to mean.
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby Brock » Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:27 pm

I also had no friends because like you mine were all drinkers and couldn’t give a hoot, and no kids. And my wife had also given up on me by the time I finally decided to do the work AA suggests. We lean on the God of our understanding, that is our support in the end, yes members of a group may help, but very many believe that’s what AA is about, some sort of support group, and it’s killing our wonderful program. The group is primarily there for newcomers to see how others have recovered, and to show them how to do so, many times you will find a good group and sponsor has a person like you after four months recovered already, done the steps and living in the solution, at which point the support of others means next to nothing.

I learned a lot and passed time listening to AA speakers, the easiest way is to go to you tube and type in ‘AA Speakers,’ names come up. Most are American but you will find English as well, if you put a name after AA of some of the more popular ones like Peter M, Sandy B, Bob D, or my personal favorite, a fellow who spits fire from Texas Chris R, he will tell you how after farting around in the wrong type of groups for years, couldn’t stop drinking, he found the secret to this simple program and two weeks later sat in the tray of his truck, crying tears of joy, because the obsession to drink was gone, please have a listen to these fellows, and you will see big book workshops there as well, you can follow in your book, do the steps and see a new way of living.

The bit about higher power speaking is just what we call a signature, we can put anything under our posts by going to ‘user control panel’ on top left, it appears under every post and we can change it if we want. Mine is a reminder of probably the most important thing in my AA life, that God is in charge now because I tend to screw things up, it’s part of step three and something we learn to use more and more as we go along, like this from the chapter ‘Into Action’ -
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

Try listening to those speakers, God will help you.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby DiarmuidRyan » Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:39 pm

Thanks again I appreciate you taking the time to write back to me and I'm just taking it one day at a time at the moment I'm getting strength from somewhere anyway and I'll have a look online for those speakers best of luck
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby Blue Moon » Wed Jan 10, 2018 9:21 pm

Very strange.

I've been in small-town meetings, and never felt entirely comfortable in them. They come across as a bit too cliquey for my tastes. Is there a meeting in a larger town nearby? Even today, I don't attend the meeting physically closest to me, I attend one further away where recovery from alcoholism and living sober are the regular topics.
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby positrac » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:22 am

Brass tacks are that some people either sober or drunk are idiots and it is up to me to find the winners in the rooms who have what they have and that is real sobriety and a clean life. I've attended meeting in various places in the world small and large groups and those attributes you mentioned of wrong doing for a laugh mentioned are in every group known.

Sorry that you've gotten a situation on your hands and that it threatens your sobriety. As a reminder the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking! You have the desire? Then you have the will to change things and possibly get to another meeting, call someone and or do online. Person meetings are better IMHO because you have to be honest with that person you are sharing with as they know if you are blowing smoke.

People, places and things are hard to change and yet we can and if the motives are right not about running away from a problem(s) won't find us later in a different place.

I guess I am asking you and for you to think of a plan on how to fix this mess without revenge! Resentments can drive us to drink and it will be hard not to be angry, resentful of those individuals. If you drink, they win and if you don't drink then you've been able to live life on its terms for today!

Be well and pray for peace and hopefully this too shall pass without you needing to step out.

Cheers.
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:48 am

I refuse to be driven to drink by the ignorance of these smalltown fool's.


Ego-centric folks are going to be around everywhere. Not just in small-towns. Thats why its key to rely on the psychic change (Working the 12 steps) rather than depending on meetings/fellowship. Its a vulnerable period those early stages of recovery, I had faced the same where I sobered up. Lot of dry sobriety in the rooms. Early in recovery, we don't know what goes on inside others and even now I try to be careful who I share the journey with.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby clouds » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:56 am

I lived in Ireland for a year and the pub culture permeates in a way I could never have known or understood had I not lived some time there. So, if I still lived in Ireland I would probably go to meetings as often as possible and keep a very low profile and make if my main goal to just listen to those members of AA who have got long term sobriety. I would seriously put my effort into reading everything I could about the 12 steps and do them to the best of my ability. I agree with using youtube for the talks and the well known Chuck and Charlie advice on how to go through the steps. Listen in the groups and meetings you go to for the AA people who actually talk about how they have done or are currently doing the steps of AA. The work I did on those is what actually kept me sober, not so much the people in the rooms. It is a great thing to find even one person you can trust and talk to about how you are getting through the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous'. Keep looking around at as many AA meetings as you can get to, as somebody already suggested, even in other towns, to find a sponsor to guide you in the step work you will be doing if you can.
Hang in there, in my experience its worth the trouble I had to go through at first for a life that is way way better and happier than anything I would have been able to imagine I'd ever have.
Keep giving it a go, you will find your answers and you can get sober regardless of your circumstances if you are armed with the steps to sobriety.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby Layne » Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:00 am

AA meetings are but a microcosm of the real world, which is the way it should be in order for us to get the most out of the program. Before I walk into a meeting I always have the principals of the program at the forefront of my mind, which is not always the case during the remainder of my day. So what better time could I possibly have to get to practice using the principals than with the less than perfect members of the fellowship? During and after the meeting, I have a wealth of personal inventory input that hopefully I put to good use on my journey in recovery.
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Re: Hypocrites in AA

Postby Doddering Moron » Thu May 10, 2018 9:10 pm

Good morning,
My experience in AA has been very similar. And it had nothing to do with the size of the town`s population. So, let`s look at AA and step 9 as it concerns `The wreckage of my sobriety`.

`Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.`

And what about when AA harms people?

You went to AA, asked for help. It doesn`t matter how well you did AA or how hard you tried to find help upon arriving at the meetings. You put yourself in a vulnerable situation. You trusted them.

I am responsible. AA makes amends to people AA has harmed. AA harmed you when you needed a friend. Shame on those who did that.
Here`s my apology, for what it`s worth, I mean it.

Doddering Moron,
Quebec, Canada

P.S.: Don`t drink no matter what.
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