My older sister is truthfully a wonderful person--gifted, talented, artistic, athletic, etc. She has a great heart, but she is a terrible alcoholic. She has been drinking since she was 13 years old; she is 45 and drinks because she is unhappy so she is unhappy because she drinks so she drinks . . . She has been in more alcohol-related accidents, DUI situations, leaving the scene of the accident, etc., than I honestly can count. Alcohol brought about her cheating on her husband and getting a divorce. She never wanted her life to be fractured, but it is.
I sympathize, support, advocate, etc. I bail her out of jail, give legal advice, call prosecutors, etc. I do not make excuses--alcohol and her involvement with alcohol are to blame in all of these cases, and she HATES me for being good to her but being blunt about her alcohol issues. She has reduced herself to attacking me publicly and spreading vicious statements about my family. I live a lesser version of the life she would have lived if she could have given up alcohol. It is the life we would have shared together, but she has dismantled her life drink by drink. She is now set on dismantling everyone else's because she feels better about feeling sad when everyone else feels sad too.
I feel so beat up that I have thought of attending something to learn what family members of alcoholics can do to shake the emotional baggage. What we have all done is just quietly assist, cross our fingers and hope, pray, give our best--which is never deemed good enough--and suffer as we are judged by the alcoholic. Whenever we find any joy or happiness while the alcoholic is suffering, we are expected to read the alcoholic's mind, suffer too, and just accept the slander. A few weeks ago, while I was recovering from a head injury, she called me and texted me every few minutes regarding her most recent DUI that I was giving legal advice to her about. She was essentially second-guessing whether she needed a lawyer, and I encouraged her to get one if she felt that she needed one. She was mad because she felt I was not supporting her enough. I tried to calm her down, but she became more enraged with CAPITAL LETTERS and lots of punctuation!!!!! Finally, I text-cussed her out in a text message--it was mean. I apologized for it, but this mistake I have made has given her some type of fuel to demonize me in public and belittle me and ruin our family functions. I did tell her to leave me alone because my concussion required rest--she would not leave me alone--AND NOW she is shredding me anytime she has a person to speak to. It is embarrassing, childish, selfish, and simply the standard that she lives her alcoholic life by: she can make a million mistakes, but everyone else is expected to forget her mistakes, treat her as a saint, read her mind, and suffer any punishment she wants to hand out for whatever reasons she deems appropriate.
I found this quote at a time when I needed it, btw I like it, but I wonder what your opinion is: "When a toxic person can no longer control you, the person will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting others will see the truth as you do."
Do I remain silent?
Do I respond to my sister's lies and criticism?
Do I publicly respond as she has been publicly attacking me?
Do I try to help her, which I think is what she wants, but she also wants me to beg her to let me be a part of her alcohol-crazed life--do I beg her?
Can I just quit knowing her for awhile and sever ties?
Is there a kind approach that you could recommend?
Is there a book or a place to begin?