My mother is an alcoholic who has been in and out of AA (and sobriety) for many years. She first got sober when I was in my 40s. After rehab, but during her first year she called me without a heads up on what she wanted to talk about. She never mentioned "amends" per se. But she did formally apologize for a handful of things. She also wanted to know if I always knew that she loved me. (Carefully worded so I could say yes, without pointing out that I never FELT loved - but I did know it.)
A few months later she set up a time to meet with my father. She cancelled the meeting at the last minute and later send him an email saying she was sorry that things had gotten so bad between them, but they were just kids after all. He felt totally hurt and insulted.
She fell off the wagon about two years later, and has mostly failed to stay sober since then, but says she's been in AA again for the past two years. Of course there was a lot of the usual lying, stealing, abusing, drunk crap while she was drinking. If she's really working the steps again, should I expect another attempt at amends?
Here's my issue - the things she apologized for were NOT the things that scarred me. She didn't ask for any input, and I was caught off guard. I also wanted to respect that the call was about her process, not mine. But the experience left me with reopened wounds, as well as the feeling that she felt "cleansed" while I just felt ignored. And I then had to "keep the secrets" of how much she hurt my dad, and how much she lied and abused family members when she fell off the wagon. For myself, I doubt if my mom and I can have a real relationship until she learns/wants to listen. I'm not going to waste my emotional energy telling her stuff she's unwilling to hear, especially since it would cause her pain, at least until she creatively revised it into something she could explain away.
So my question is - in the amends process, doesnt the alcoholic need to somehow find out if they have addressed the things that actually hurt the recipient, or is it really just about what THEY think was hurtful? I get that it needs to be about her healing, and that my healing is my own responsibility. But it does seem like it leaves a huge blind spot.