When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
Lali
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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by Lali » Sat Jun 18, 2011 4:02 pm

Keeping secrets from his sponsees?? Why? Because he's doing something he shouldn't be doing. He should withdraw as sponsor to these people and carry on with his life as he pleases. As long as he's not hurting anyone else, who cares what he does?
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

Hguols
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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by Hguols » Sat Jun 18, 2011 6:42 pm

Lali wrote:Keeping secrets from his sponsees?? Why? Because he's doing something he shouldn't be doing. He should withdraw as sponsor to these people and carry on with his life as he pleases. As long as he's not hurting anyone else, who cares what he does?
A large part of me feels this way too.
I'm thinking I should get the input of a closed mouth friend in the program.... someone I've known for quite a while.
"Probable mucosal damage may contraindicate the use of gastric lavage."

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Layne
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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by Layne » Sun Jun 19, 2011 7:20 am

Whenever I venture outside my opinion and look to other sources, I look for someone who has character traits that I admire, respect, and hope to emulate someday.

Talk is cheap. Anybody can do it. I don't care about their material possessions, their careers, their lifestyle, their public persona.

When the rubber meets the road, how do they treat their fellow humans when no one is looking?

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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by Hguols » Sun Jun 19, 2011 9:33 am

Ok, I talked with my sponsor about this over the phone for about an hour. What he said, I did not expect.

My sponsor said in the text to my fiance, not to tell me - said specifically my name. When I asked him about that, he said he didn't say that, he just didn't want her to mention it to anyone.... but he's not mad, he expected her and I to talk about this. She's a wonderful woman, I'm a wonderful sponsee, etc.

In an e-mail, he mentioned "one" of his "sponsors" and this female sponsee have deduced this is a "non-issue". He mentions to me that he talked with someone, and deduced this was a non-issue. I asked him if this person was a sponsor.... he refused to answer the question. (He was silent then went to other aspects of the topic. I let it go.)

My sponsor told my fiance that he's getting a divorce. ....and if he was divorced, he wanted to date the female sponsee. He told me that he's not getting a divorce, that his marriage is not good for mentioned reasons, and that if circumstances in life were completely different, he wouldn't mind dating his female sponsor, but she would have to get someone else as a sponsor.

I want to believe that this is all a misunderstanding and that he didn't just feed me half truths, or lies.
"Probable mucosal damage may contraindicate the use of gastric lavage."

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Blue Moon
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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by Blue Moon » Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:42 pm

Is it possible that your fiancee misheard or misunderstood?

Personally, I think the sponsor is on a slippery slope. I've seen it before, the outcome being a lot of anger if not drinking. If I was the sponsee (and I have been in that position) I would cut and run before the S*** hits the fan.

But too often a sponsee expects a perfect sponsor, puts their sponsor on a pedestal. The sponsor may even encourage this sort of thing. He or she is never above the level of human being and, if ego is running the show, soon enough that pedestal will disintegrate under the heavy burden.

What my sponsor does with his life is none of my business. How it affects me is. Whether that needs me to look to change myself (become a more accepting, loving and tolerant individual) or change my sponsor is between me and my own Higher Power.

And if I have a Higher Power giving the directions, do I really need to be codependent with a sponsor who's getting ready to hit self-destruct? I think Bill W said it best when he described not getting well until after letting go of faulty emotional dependencies on other people.
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon

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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by TheresaR » Thu Jun 23, 2011 7:36 am

People are people and do what people do... especially around romance. They don't become perfect, which is just something we conjure up in our heads, our expectations about how a sponsor should be. We sit here on the internet and judge it.
Let go and Let God

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saved1
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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by saved1 » Fri Jun 24, 2011 10:57 pm

:D
Last edited by saved1 on Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
Moved.

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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by maximus7591 » Thu Jun 30, 2011 8:15 am

That stinks I agree with all that has been said. I had a sponcer drink after 22 yrs, I have been sober over 19 yrs so you can imagine the disapointment. And that is all it is a great disapoinment, I have to stay sober. He did what he did and that is it. In the big book it says we do not need to be involved in other problems or we will become over come by them, so it might be a good idea to seperate yourself from the problem and reutrn to the solution. No mater what we are human and can fail but God does not ,so stay close to him, on no uncertain terms do you lie for anyone and let him know this if the issue comes up.
hope this helps
Go bless

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Tosh
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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by Tosh » Mon Jul 18, 2011 1:08 am

My sponsor had a similar situation with his own sponsor, and changed him. His point of view is that sponsorship is also about setting good examples, and leaving a wife for another woman isn't a good example. He's firm that I never sponsor females so that I set the same example to those I sponsor.

Mind you, about a year ago, a lady wearing tight black leggings asked me to sponsor her; she said that she's always been a tomboy and related better to men than to women. My first thought was 'Can I sponsor her without anyone finding out?' (it was those tight black leggings). Now I wasn't spiritual enough not to have that idea, but I was spiritual enough to decline and explain all the reasons why.

I'm in the 'men sponsor men, women sponsor women' camp; and I will try to find a suitable sponsor for a lady, if she's willing to let me do so.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by Blast » Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:34 pm

I am going to go the other way on this...I have read a lot about right and wrong. I am seeing quite a bit of judgement past.

1.Hguols, I feel for you my friend, i can only imagine how this might feel. For me, I put my sponsor on a pedestal. Yet he did not ask to be put on one. His job and our jobs as sponsors are to take our pigeons through the steps and share with them in a general way what was like, what happened and what its like now. Remember he is a drunk too. When you sober up a horse thief, what you end up with, is a sober horse thief. Our liquor is but a symptom, we had to get to causes and effects. Now, we are not the arbiter of anyone's sex life and we are not the arbiter of anyone's life at all. As a sponsor it is presumptuous of me I KNOW what God has in store for you. It is not my job to "rob you of your pain" sometimes that slows down where ever it is you need to go to get to where ever it is your going and where that is is none of my business OR none of my pigeons business, its God's business. The pigeons job is to peddle the perverbial bicycle and know that God is driving, period the handlebars are just there to pedal harder. The destination in this life for this drunk is once again none of my business, its all about the journey. Just like your sponsor, NO ONE AMONG US maintains anything like perfect adherance to these principles. We are not saints, THE POINT IS WE ARE WILLING TO GROW ALONG SPIRITUAL LINES. Me, just like your sponsor is a drunk now sure I have been sober 24 years regardless we all paint ourselves into corners on occasion.
Do I excuse the behavior? Its not my or anyone in this forums call. God alone will be the judge. Now with that someones behavior can just be unacceptable. Not right or wrong, just behavior we dont find attractive and would just as soon not be around. Once again, this is a program of attraction not promotion. You were attracted the man you call sponsor and now your uncomfortable about that. You do not need permission to get another sponsor. There may come a time when you may want to write about this, see what all the feelings in you are about. For me, fear would be there and the book is specific about how to handle fear. Wasnt it because self sufficiency had failed us. It was good as far as it went but it did not go far enough. We ask God to direct our thoughts to those we could help and commence to out grow fear. It is a process NOT AN EVENT. The book tells us that WHEN these things crop up not IF.
Love and tolerance of others is our code. "They like ourselves were sick too" and we would not treat a sick friend that way.
Drunks are just that drunks just because we have been sober a day or two we are no farther from the trains of circumstances that we set in motion to get us to PAIN IS THE TOUCHSTONE TO SPIRITUAL GROWTH
Who are we to think we know what your sponsor should be doing? He does not have to be your sponsor but, stay close as you may very well see the miracle of this program first hand and be a big part of it. This isnt about drinkin its about living life on lifes term ONE DAY AT A TIME
I will keep you in my prayers my friend. Feel to pm me and if you need to, call my dumb ass we can pretend we are sharing a cup of coffee cuz rest assured I will have some on.

Harry
For man, there is no greater burden than potential

December 16, 1986 is my day of Grace

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PaigeB
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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by PaigeB » Sun Sep 25, 2011 11:56 pm

Love and tolerance of others is our code.

That's all I got.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by Service » Thu Apr 04, 2013 8:50 pm

As if we know !!! Whenever two people try to impress one another it's not surprising.

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AlisonT
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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by AlisonT » Fri Apr 05, 2013 3:50 am

I believe that love and tolerance is our code but I have also found that some people must be loved from afar because they are toxic to my state of mind. There is a difference between exercising judgement and being judgmental. I worry not so much that this man is cheating or thinking about it. Things go on between two people in a marriage that I have no way of knowing about. But even considering cheating with a sponsee of relatively short time is totally wrong. Things like this go bad more than they go well and when they do it will most likely be the sponsee who gets drunk. I do not expect my sponsor to be perfect but I do have to respect them. I suggest you ask yourself the question that I always ask when I choose a sponsor - what does this person have that I want? Personally I would not want to have anything to do with what this person has right now.

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Re: When a long term sponsor goes south.... :(

Post by Service » Sun Jul 07, 2013 9:58 am

Head North - Lol

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