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Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:29 am
I am not new to AA. I have bounced in and out of the rooms for years because I could not be honest. I have been a dry drunk for years and finally relapse. I know that there is a solution in the first 164 of the big book. I know many people who have went through the steps and are now doing better. (their happy) I chose a man to help me and made a commitment to give 90 days. I am very willing to do whatever I need to do in order to begin the recovery process. My problem is that the man I chose does not have humility and his ego is out of control. The man has many years of sobriety and is very knowledgeable about the program. I feel that 90% of the time he is boasting about how good he is doing and seems to have answers to every question, even questions that are not asked yet.
I am beat up from this disease. I am at a point where I know what I need to do and i am putting out 100%. I talked to the man who brought me to the first meeting since my relapse and he said he will sponsor as long as I will go to any length. The fact that he kept all of his opinions about my sponsor to himself and just told me not to let this deter me from the rooms, made me realize that God put him in my life for a reason. This man has years and has been through the steps. He is humble and has what I want in sobriety, not material, but peace of mind. The man who is my sponsor is thin skin, like me, and seems to be about status and ego.
Can someone share their experience about this matter?
A friend in need
Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 11:06 am
gwk21 wrote: The fact that he kept all of his opinions about my sponsor to himself and just told me not to let this deter me from the rooms, made me realize that God put him in my life for a reason.
I think that you should consider that perhaps he did not know about your sponsors style of sponsoring, it is possible that he may have shown a fairy humble side to the fellow who bought you in, and now that he has you to boast to, the ego may be coming through stronger. You appear to have so much going for you, complete wiliness, knowledge of why you failed before, faith in a higher power, you can’t fail. If you haven’t done so, you should consider letting the fellow you respect more know exactly what is going on, while thanking him for bringing you to your first meeting. It has not happened to me, but during the time I have been on this site, quite a few people have reported not being able to get along with their sponsor. The advice has invariably been to fire him and get a new one, of course fire him in the most humble way you can, just sort of sorry but this arrangement between us isn’t working well.
At any rate welcome to this site, and I expect others will be along to give their opinions on your best course of action, lots of good AA experience and caring to be found here.
Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2014 6:24 pm
Hello, and welcome. Sounds like quite the conundrum, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Without giving advice, here are a few thoughts that came to mind.
First, this relationship is critical to recovery for most people. It is important that you are comfortable with whomever you choose or you might make that discomfort an excuse to give up and go back out there. I never think there is shame in admitting that you have decided to go another route, but that you appreciate sponsor A's willingness to help you. If he can't take that, it is his problem and not yours. Any sponsor worth the title would do anything to see another person find what we have, even if meant letting them go.
Second, I don't read any deception in your words. I've known people who changed sponsors because they felt their sponsor was too hard on them. Unfortunately, that is sometimes the job of a sponsor, at least if the person being sponsored wants to recover. If your motives are pure here and focused on finally recovering, then there is no problem in my opinion.
I wish you the best, with this, and with your recovery work. I was one who also bounced in and out for years because of an ability to be totally honest. When I was finally beat up enough I learned the price of that dishonesty and finally fixed that in my life. The results have been nothing short of miraculous.
Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2014 6:36 am
I had a long conversation with the man who brought me to my first meeting since my relapse. We were able to talk about the situation in great detail. It amazes me that before we talked he had confided to his sponsor about the situation. I have to put in perspective that my mindset is to do everything on my own and that it is extremely hard for me to ask for help. We talked and came up with a lot of the same feelings. I am not here to take my sponsor's inventory or justify my feelings because of his actions. I just want to say that in my life I always had "gut" feelings about situations and 99% of the time they were right. i did ask myself the question, Is it just the delivery or the message that I have an issue with? I work in an environment were ego, pride and greed are the main drivers and it makes me feel sick. Money and materials do not impress me, peace of mind and being happy impresses me.
I did ask myself if i was just running away because of a sponsor who is too rough on his approach, It was not the issue. It is a coincidence that all of the people around him don't fit the park bench drunk stereotype? I have only known the man for less than two weeks and know that he makes more money than everybody at his reunion, a story from the big book was write about him, he has single handily helped influence big book rewrites in other countries, and has the largest credit card autopay balance i have ever seen. I watched him criticize a sponsee on a speaking commitment. I noticed that what ever someone has done in AA or in life, that he has done something better. This is all in a matter of a week of time. YES, I SPOTTED THESE THINGS AND I PROBABLY HAVE THESE THINGS. I will not let this person keep me away from the rooms. It has done the opposite where it only drives my recovery. I have to look at this as a lesson from God about where I can be on my own will. I am sick of being two people all the time, who I really am and who i want you to believe i am? I may not like the person who is my sponsor but I do love him and believe that he has a good heart.