Sponsoring; Males with females

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
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larrylive
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Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by larrylive » Fri Jan 17, 2014 5:15 am

Are there any actual giudelines as to males sponsoring females and vise a versa?
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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Old Rocker » Fri Jan 17, 2014 9:46 am

Why would one want to do that?

Fraught with opportunities for things to get sideways.....
Accepted the ABC's 01/04/95.
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

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Tosh
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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Tosh » Fri Jan 17, 2014 10:05 am

larrylive wrote:Are there any actual giudelines as to males sponsoring females and vise a versa?
Yes, there's some advice about it in here:

http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

I'm too lazy to dig it the exact wording, but it basically says that experience has shown us that it causes problems. I've seen one marriage go tits-up in my short time in A.A. due to a male and female sponsorship deal; it caused a huge stink; and six children were involved too. Very sad.

Edited to add it's at the top of page 10 in the link.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by PaigeB » Fri Jan 17, 2014 11:29 am

I have seen it work when there are no women to sponsor women, but it did not work for me... things get too intimate with the sharing, I think. But I know that in sponsoring folks from the gay & lesbian communities it might work.

Call me out on this one, but I think that men think differently from women and though as alcoholics we have a lot in common, women are more like women and have more experiences in common.
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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Cadzilla2 » Fri Jan 17, 2014 2:45 pm

I was taught " the men get sober with the men, the women get sober with the women". When I was a newcomer, I wanted a man for a sponsor because women never seemed to like me and I certainly didn't like them. Men, on the other hand, liked me a LOT! After a number of unsuccessful attempts at sobriety followed by a stint in a rehab, I vowed I would embrace the AA program of recovery, stick with the winners, and take suggestions. Getting a woman sponsor was one, so I did, even though it was very difficult. At that time, most alcoholic women were at-home drinkers, not a bar drinking gal like I was. I learned that the physical trappings of addiction don't matter - we can all identify with one another.

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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Lali » Fri Jan 17, 2014 5:54 pm

Tosh wrote:I've seen one marriage go tits-up in my short time in A.A. due to a male and female sponsorship deal;...
"Tit's up"?? Literally or figuratively?
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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Tosh » Sat Jan 18, 2014 4:39 am

Lali wrote:
Tosh wrote:I've seen one marriage go tits-up in my short time in A.A. due to a male and female sponsorship deal;...
"Tit's up"?? Literally or figuratively?
Figuratively speaking. I'm not sure where the phrase comes from.

Just googled:
Tits-up

Meaning

Inoperative; broken. The term is also used to mean fallen over (on one's back)

Origin

This is a 20th century phrase, probably of military origin. There's certainly no mention of it in print prior to WWII. It has been suggested that the term derives from the behaviour of aeroplanes' altitude indicators, which turn upside down when faulty and display an inverted 'W' resembling a pair of breasts. There's no real evidence to support this speculation and it seems more likely that the phrase is just a vulgar alternative to the earlier 'belly-up', which has the same meaning.

'Belly-up' is an allusion to fish, which float that way when 'dead in the water'. This expression was known in the USA by the 1920s, often related to bancruptcy or other commercial disasters; for example, this extract from John Roderigo Dos Passos' Letters, 1920:
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Old Rocker » Sat Jan 18, 2014 7:38 am

PaigeB wrote:I have seen it work when there are no women to sponsor women, but it did not work for me... things get too intimate with the sharing, I think. But I know that in sponsoring folks from the gay & lesbian communities it might work.

Call me out on this one, but I think that men think differently from women and though as alcoholics we have a lot in common, women are more like women and have more experiences in common.
I agree. There is much said on equality of men and women. And being politically equal, we are not functionally the same.

It is funny how recognizing those differences is called sexist by some.

If I need help lifting the other end of a 300 lb transmission, I will ask another guy. If a baby is crying, I will ask a mother for help.

But for a sponsor, a guy. I do have a few long term women friends I talk with regularly. I feel balance by having a variety of friends. I need that balanced perspective.
Accepted the ABC's 01/04/95.
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Lali » Sat Jan 18, 2014 11:06 am

Tosh wrote:I've seen one marriage go tits-up in my short time in A.A....
Tit's-up is actually a word? :shock: I thought it must be one of those weird British sayings. Just kidding, Tosh. :mrgreen:
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Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Squawking Hawk » Sat Jan 18, 2014 1:11 pm

PaigeB wrote:but I think that men think differently from women and though as alcoholics we have a lot in common, women are more like women and have more experiences in common.
Well, not calling anyone out. :D :D I don't always think like other women, and I'm a gay woman. But I can say that hanging out with other women in A.A. all the years that I've been sober has been a healing thing.

For the record, I have a gay man as a sponsor. Works for me. However, I know a lot of gay people who have a sponsor of the same gender and I've had female sponsors in the past.

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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by shaunagus » Sat Jan 18, 2014 5:03 pm

tits-up
There are quite a few expression here along the same lines.

Arse over tit (falling over)
A right tit (an idiot)
Getting on my tits (annoying me)
Camp as tits (me with a feather boa).

That guy over there, the one who's camp as tits, he has been getting on my tits all afternoon, he looked a right tit when he slipped on that top step and went arse over tits down the stairs.

Shaun :wink:
“I am a seeker, a poor sinful creature, there is no weaker than I am,” Dolly Parton

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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Squawking Hawk » Sat Jan 18, 2014 5:25 pm

Hey Shaun, that was great. :lol: :lol: :lol: Always good to have a good sober laugh.

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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by ann2 » Sun Jan 19, 2014 3:28 am

Give me that baby.

Ann
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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by avaneesh912 » Sun Jan 19, 2014 7:10 pm

Check the motives they say in AA, how true. If you honestly want to get sober, it really doesn't matter what the gender of the Sponsor is. The process is quite simple, they are simply trying to highlight the selfishness and self-centeredness in the person that is trying to recover. And then guiding them in making amends if needed. The Big book is pretty elaborate on every step its just that you need 'a' person to do the fifth step that need a sponsor. Well thats my experience.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: Sponsoring; Males with females

Post by Blue Moon » Sun Jan 19, 2014 9:29 pm

avaneesh912 wrote:Check the motives they say in AA, how true. If yo honestly want to get sober, it really doesn't matter what the gender of the Sponsor is..
Unfortunately, you can't always tell the motives of the other person. BTW it's not always the sponsor who has an ulterior motive. It's also true that men and women think differently. So leave your ego at the door and guide them to a sponsor who can actually help.
Ian S
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