Getting a sponsor? Of another gender?

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
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ann2
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Re: Getting a sponsor? Of another gender?

Post by ann2 »

I stopped having opinions myself when the Big Book gives clear directions :)
Rightly and naturally, we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, and of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. Of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics.

If we cannot or would rather not do this, we search our acquaintance for a close-mouthed, understanding friend. Perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person.
Yours sounds like an awesome choice.

By the way, it was me who shared the part Chip quoted above. Looks like our Chip has been dipping into the web site of e-AA! There are many wonderful shares in the place Chip found my contribution, at the Our Stories pages here http://www.e-aa.org/group_stories.php lovingly maintained and expanded on by our group's literature committee (another swell service opportunity, sharing your story in our big cyber speaker meeting!)

Do i wish I'd done the stepwork before 16 years had gone by? You betchya. I do have excuses :D (sponsor advising against step 4 at the time of my being diagnosed with bipolar, 10 years of recovery from that, then life situation following the natural development of a sober person). The bottom line for me was that I stopped drinking with the help if AA, gratitude and the first 3 steps, and I was damned lucky to have what I had.

I had no idea that there was more -- this inexplicable peace, this beginning to comprehend the word serenity -- and i think at my core i didn't believe I deserved it. Not drinking was all i ever wanted, and i wasn't going to look that gift horse in the mouth!

But then I found this group, and they helped me to see I could find something else in sobriety. Something that would keep me from running away from my challenges and instead grow through them. I was very skeptical but figured it couldn't hurt. Plus it would get my new friends off my back i figured :) man did they nag me!! Steps, steps, steps, steps, steps.

I could cry with gratitude right now if the memory didn't make me so happy.

So in their honor, i do tend to nag, which perhaps isn't the mosts attractive incentive to following our program. But it worked for me.

Steps, steps, steps, steps, steps!


Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

Lali
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Re: Getting a sponsor? Of another gender?

Post by Lali »

Share your fifth step with your counselor? YES!!
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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Blue Moon
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Re: Getting a sponsor? Of another gender?

Post by Blue Moon »

kitty_ramirez wrote:Good thinking Chip.
I think I feel a bit unloved sponsor-wise and I don't want to keep asking people cos I can't handle much more rejection, I'm having the sads a bit. I'm only two weeks sober so a bit emotional and I wish people didn't think I was weird and unsponsorable. It's like being picked last for teams at school. :(
But I like your idea, if I let some of the nice old guys know I'm looking, maybe they'll help me find someone. Fingers crossed.
If you're feeling rejection, it's not you who is un-sponsorable, but the one you're asking and is rejecting you. In the long run, they're probably doing you a favour.

I also think there are cross-gender matters about which another may not relate. It's not about sex, it's about identification.

For example, no man can relate to how it feels to be a mother, and I suspect few women can relate to how it feels to be a father. The mother has experienced being taken over by this little "bundle of joy" ... the father has experienced being replaced by it.
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon

tjansen
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Re: Getting a sponsor? Of another gender?

Post by tjansen »

If you would like to work the steps by the Big Book, I can help you. My sponsor taught me by the Primary Purpose Group of Dallas format. Very quick and very effective, just like in case of the founders. It really gets right to recovery for those who are willing. I spent 30+ (sober) years in AA before finding this sponsor and before even learning how to do the spiritual growth steps, Ten, Eleven, and Twelve. And now I sponsor using the same approach.

I believe I will get an email notification if you reply to this message.

Tom J.

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Tosh
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Re: Getting a sponsor? Of another gender?

Post by Tosh »

Blue Moon wrote:
I also think there are cross-gender matters about which another may not relate. It's not about sex, it's about identification.
It may not be about sex for the sponsee, but if I sponsored a woman, I'd be thinking about sex with her. I can't help it, I'm hard-wired this way. I suspect many other males are the same as myself.

For that reason I will not sponsor a woman and I will limit my one-to-one contact with newcomer females too.

Beware of us 'gentlemen' ladies. Some of us are wolves in sheep's clothing; unfortunately. We are not at fault; we seem to have been born that way. :shock:

Mrs Tosh wouldn't let me sponsor a lady anyway; she's not an idiot. :lol:
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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Blue Moon
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Re: Getting a sponsor? Of another gender?

Post by Blue Moon »

Tosh wrote: if I sponsored a woman, I'd be thinking about sex with her. I can't help it, I'm hard-wired this way. I suspect many other males are the same as myself.
Doesn't it partly depend on the woman? ;)

It's really not a gender-specific thing. I once sponsored a gay man who was "13th Stepped" by another gay man in the rooms. I know several men who were "13th-Stepped" by women.

If we were to enforce the "rules", a bisexual person would be unable to sponsor anyone.
Ian S
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Squawking Hawk
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Re: Getting a sponsor? Of another gender?

Post by Squawking Hawk »

I am a lesbian with a gay man as a sponsor. He is not "hard wired" in the way that Tosh is speaking of. It is a non-issue.

I appreciate Tosh's honesty in sharing about the way he is hard wired.

Yet, Ian makes a good point, I have known many lesbians and gay men in the program who have been "13th stepped" by another of the same gender in the rooms.

Hawk
Blue Moon wrote:
Tosh wrote: if I sponsored a woman, I'd be thinking about sex with her. I can't help it, I'm hard-wired this way. I suspect many other males are the same as myself.
Doesn't it partly depend on the woman? ;)

It's really not a gender-specific thing. I once sponsored a gay man who was "13th Stepped" by another gay man in the rooms. I know several men who were "13th-Stepped" by women.

If we were to enforce the "rules", a bisexual person would be unable to sponsor anyone.
Ms. Hawk

I will never forget

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Tosh
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Re: Getting a sponsor? Of another gender?

Post by Tosh »

Blue Moon wrote:
Tosh wrote: if I sponsored a woman, I'd be thinking about sex with her. I can't help it, I'm hard-wired this way. I suspect many other males are the same as myself.
Doesn't it partly depend on the woman? ;)
I'm an ex-soldier, Blue Moon, and my partner is a Welsh woman (I know I know). That in itself should speak volumes to you. :lol:
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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