Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
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Angry1541
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Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by Angry1541 » Thu Oct 17, 2013 12:32 pm

I have a sponsor, we have met a couple times and I am just not 'feeling' it...I mean I don't know if I just don't connect with him, or if it's just my fear of actually working the steps, or what, but I don't really feel I connect with him.

Should I ask someone else and let my current sponsor know I have found someone else to sponsor me? Our schedules don't match well for meeting either...

Thoughts?
~Chris

Just for today...

I am going to stay sober.
I am going to a meeting.
I am going smile and laugh.
I am going to refrain from taking my anger out on other people.

Lali
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by Lali » Thu Oct 17, 2013 12:48 pm

How much sober time do you have, Angry? You might not "feel it" with anyone in the beginning. As I said in another post, it took quite a while for me for the alcoholic fog to go away. Not only that, if you haven't ever done stepwork before, (have you?) you aren't really going to know how its supposed to "feel". Maybe you ought to give this fellow a little more time and see if it doesn't feel better with time. And if your schedules don't match, you might have to do some rearranging of your own schedule because recovery comes first.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

Angry1541
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by Angry1541 » Thu Oct 17, 2013 12:57 pm

Lali wrote:How much sober time do you have, Angry? You might not "feel it" with anyone in the beginning. As I said in another post, it took quite a while for me for the alcoholic fog to go away. Not only that, if you haven't ever done stepwork before, (have you?) you aren't really going to know how its supposed to "feel". Maybe you ought to give this fellow a little more time and see if it doesn't feel better with time. And if your schedules don't match, you might have to do some rearranging of your own schedule because recovery comes first.

Coming up on 4 months next week actually...
~Chris

Just for today...

I am going to stay sober.
I am going to a meeting.
I am going smile and laugh.
I am going to refrain from taking my anger out on other people.

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Squawking Hawk
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by Squawking Hawk » Thu Oct 17, 2013 2:23 pm

Took me awhile to connect with my first sponsor. But after sometime, especially after I began working the steps I found that I did indeed connect with her.

Hawk
Ms. Hawk

I will never forget

Lali
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by Lali » Thu Oct 17, 2013 2:53 pm

Kudos on almost 4 months! :D
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

Angry1541
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by Angry1541 » Thu Oct 17, 2013 3:39 pm

Thanks...it could be him too...maybe he's kinda guarded at first with others...I am pretty open...so maybe he needs to warm up too.
~Chris

Just for today...

I am going to stay sober.
I am going to a meeting.
I am going smile and laugh.
I am going to refrain from taking my anger out on other people.

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Blue Moon
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by Blue Moon » Thu Oct 17, 2013 3:57 pm

IMO a couple of meetings isn't long to get a good vibe.
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon

Mike D.
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by Mike D. » Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:53 am

Hi Angry1541, You say you're wondering if you've picked the wrong sponsor because you say you're NOT FEELING IT. Let me ask you a three important questions: Has the sponsor you picked worked all the Steps? Is he trying to help YOU work the Steps? Is he giving you his time on a frequent and regular basis to help you work those Steps? If your answer to those three questions is "yes", then you have a good sponsor and should stay with him. If your answer is "no", then you should change sponsors. Regardless of what you understand, or what you have heard, the sole function of an A.A. sponsor is to lead a new person through the 12 Steps toward a spiritual awakening. A sponsor is NOT a free-lance amateur psychologist. He, or she, is a there to guide you through the same path they are walking (i.e. the Steps). Working the Program has nothing to do with "feeling it", or "connecting". My suggestion is that you might reevaluate what you think a sponsor is, and what his purpose is. Until you do, you'll always be looking for a new sponsor and while you're looking, you'll always be avoiding working the Steps. In my 25 years of sobriety, I've seen this happen many times. Blessings, and good luck, Mike D.

soberon
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by soberon » Sun Oct 20, 2013 9:38 pm

Some of us live in large enough communities that we can 'pick' our sponsor. Fortunately we are in an age where sponsorship of AA steps is 'time and experience' tried. I am just recognizing these facts from this thread. I used to take this for granted. The Big Book 12 and 12 has been my best sponsor to date when in doubt.

Angry1541
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by Angry1541 » Mon Oct 21, 2013 8:33 pm

Mike D. wrote:Hi Angry1541, You say you're wondering if you've picked the wrong sponsor because you say you're NOT FEELING IT. Let me ask you a three important questions: Has the sponsor you picked worked all the Steps? Is he trying to help YOU work the Steps? Is he giving you his time on a frequent and regular basis to help you work those Steps? If your answer to those three questions is "yes", then you have a good sponsor and should stay with him. If your answer is "no", then you should change sponsors. Regardless of what you understand, or what you have heard, the sole function of an A.A. sponsor is to lead a new person through the 12 Steps toward a spiritual awakening. A sponsor is NOT a free-lance amateur psychologist. He, or she, is a there to guide you through the same path they are walking (i.e. the Steps). Working the Program has nothing to do with "feeling it", or "connecting". My suggestion is that you might reevaluate what you think a sponsor is, and what his purpose is. Until you do, you'll always be looking for a new sponsor and while you're looking, you'll always be avoiding working the Steps. In my 25 years of sobriety, I've seen this happen many times. Blessings, and good luck, Mike D.
Yes, yes, and somewhat...he can only really meet on weekends, which is not always conducive for me and when we meet he seems very distracted...maybe it's just him, IDK -- he has, however, invited me to join him at get togethers he has and what not -- I have not been able to attend them, but it's something.

IDK -- maybe he's just guarded with newer people he meets. I think was recently kinda let down by a sponsee that left the program and maybe that's weighing on him too...IDK...I will give it more time...if after we get through the steps and I am still not feeling it, I think might I ask someone else and do the steps again...can't hurt.
~Chris

Just for today...

I am going to stay sober.
I am going to a meeting.
I am going smile and laugh.
I am going to refrain from taking my anger out on other people.

das12
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Re: Did I pick the wrong sponsor?

Post by das12 » Thu Oct 31, 2013 2:04 pm

Angry 1541,

Hi, you say that you are "pretty open" but you dont seem to have opened up to your sponser about any of the issues that you've mentioned here.

You also say that he's invited you to "get togethers and what not" but you've "not been able to attend". Do you have something more important to do than meeting your sponser?

Quote: "maybe he's just guarded" and you think that he "was recently let down" - well, to the AA reader that sounds like mind reading.

Quote: "its not always conducive for you" - - "conducive", when your life and sanity is at stake, and perhaps a whole shedful of people surrounding you whose lives have been affected by your drinking? Parents, wives and dependent children dont typically do conducive.

I'm not getting at you, i admire your honesty & courage in coming on a forum after a few weeks sobriety, perhaps you've punished yourself way beyond what any other can inflict, but i am pointing out the discrepancies in what you write.

Why not be blunt and merely say to your sponser what you think and feel? Perhaps, dont hesitate, get right on that phone and say it. What a trusting complement to him it would be.

If you think that i'm wrong or controlling please tell me. I'm big enough to grow.

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