Letting Issues Go

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
KathyAnne
Forums Contributor
Posts: 205
Joined: Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:13 am
Location: England

Letting Issues Go

Post by KathyAnne » Fri Jul 26, 2013 10:52 pm

Hi I'm Kathy and I'm an alcohlic, I now sponser people and I am finding it hard to stop thinking about them and their issues, i know I have to let go and let god but find I often wake up in the night thinking about how I can best help! I am correctly reminded that I am there to get them thro the steps I'm not a councillor but do find it difficult to switch off, are there any tips or tricks that would help me please. I was also told that we learn alot about ourselves when sponsoring and that seems to be very true, it's all good stuff it's just learning to let go I suppose.

JohnZ
Forums Contributor
Posts: 265
Joined: Tue May 28, 2013 4:25 am

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by JohnZ » Sat Jul 27, 2013 5:36 am

I was the same way with my first few sponsees. I think it's just something you have to go through - after you've sponsored for a while, it's easier to find some detachment. Not in a bad, uncaring way of course, but you'll stop worrying about them so much. The way you feel now just proves that you care, which is a good thing.

User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 3743
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by Tosh » Sat Jul 27, 2013 6:15 am

JohnZ wrote: The way you feel now just proves that you care, which is a good thing.
I think so too. Isn't it better to be thinking about other people than ourselves? I would much prefer to worry about someone else, rather than worry about myself.

Now it seems to be that I just take guys through the Big Book and don't worry too much about the results; the results aren't up to me; I guess that's God's business.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

User avatar
johnd
Forums Long Timer
Posts: 721
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:50 pm
Location: Massachusetts

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by johnd » Sat Jul 27, 2013 11:03 am

Hi Kathy,
It's tough to not care about those you sponsor, I found it a big help by staying close to my own sponsor and talk about some of the shares. Not in great detail and not to the point of divulging the anonymity of the person. You might approach it with an open ended question like this " I was at a meeting and I heard someone share about ______".
That way you won't be dwelling on it and will get a different perspective of what the concern is. Remember, We are there to listen and suggest, If it is an issue or situation we have not experienced ourselves you might want to defer or suggest they seek out someone who may of dealt with their type of circumstance. Whenever I'm sponsoring someone I just learned to just listen and try to be a source of comfort and support. I don't try to solve the problem. As experience shows me situations change constantly. What may appear to be "Dire straits now" usually by days end the situation becomes less dramatic because reality and the "wait and see' have taken shape. Remember also Alcoholics are full of Doom and Gloom and Fear, Doubt, and Insecurity.... Drama is also a trait, at least I've seen in my own circumstances as well as others. So to share a phrase from another 12 step group I attended "I didn't cause it so I can't fix it". Glad you shared Kathy... hang in there, growing pains of sponsoring... John D.
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans- Anonymous

GaryD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 78
Joined: Sun Jul 21, 2013 10:24 am

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by GaryD » Sun Jul 28, 2013 2:53 am

As a sponsor it is my duty to listen then share my experience, strength and hope with them in hope that they can do what I have done to stay sober and achieve different results. I have found that I need to take any concerns I have for them to God instead of holding on to them and trying to figure out how to fix them all myself as if I am God. I am to ask in the morning what I can do for the one who is suffering and am told the answers will come if my own house is in order. As with everything, give yourself a break because none of us have been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles! We're not all fixed up but learning to live broken and teach others to do the same.
By the grace of God using the fellowship of AA and the twelves steps I have not picked up a drink since October 6th, 2002.

Gary D.

User avatar
ann2
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 7938
Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2004 2:01 am
Location: Somewhere in Sweden

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by ann2 » Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:45 am

GaryD wrote:We're not all fixed up but learning to live broken and teach others to do the same.
Pretty cool Gary, nice way to put it. Thanks for your comments and awfully nice to see you here.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

KathyAnne
Forums Contributor
Posts: 205
Joined: Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:13 am
Location: England

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by KathyAnne » Tue Jul 30, 2013 12:38 am

Thankyou to everyone for your replys some good advice there and it is about learning to detach I will certainly be learning alot about myself sponsoring.

User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
Posts: 8538
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by PaigeB » Tue Jul 30, 2013 11:25 am

I have learned SOO much by sponsoring and one of the things that I learned is that I have to let them do their own inner-work. They are not going to internalize a message exactly the way I did. All I can do is share my ES&H... this is also good when things go seriously wrong and they are out drinking again. Just last week my very first sponsee, who had been back to the bottle for quite some time, rolled her car and died in the crash. A few bare weeks til the much awaited first grandchild birth.

It hurts to know that she did not "get it", my ego says, "What you said... she didn't get what you said." But she has to first choose to not drink and then do what it says in Chapter 3.... admit to our inner-most selves that we were alcoholic... that the idea that we can safely drink like other people has to be smashed. She still thought she could drink safely and that tiny bit of hesitation killed her.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

strider
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri May 17, 2013 2:43 pm

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by strider » Tue Jul 30, 2013 1:27 pm

That was a very strong post, Paige, thank you.

KathyAnne
Forums Contributor
Posts: 205
Joined: Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:13 am
Location: England

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by KathyAnne » Wed Jul 31, 2013 5:00 am

Thankyou PaigeB, that was a very moving post. We can but learn from the mistakes of others.
One of my sponsee just isn't getting it, shes been around for 3 yrs in & out and i have been her sponser for 1 month and I'm begining to feel frustrated or resentful dont know which,that she's not getting it which she denies also she never rings me dosnt talk recovery I do want to say to her a few home truths but I'm scared of up setting her ( I know that's wrong) I don't want to upset her in case she's drinks on it but that's her choice I suppose. It's a difficult balance, my other sponsee has been great to work with I feel I can say anything to her we're a good match, one rule I stick by is not to become friends when sponsoring.

User avatar
johnd
Forums Long Timer
Posts: 721
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:50 pm
Location: Massachusetts

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by johnd » Wed Jul 31, 2013 5:33 am

Hi Kathyanne,
Sometimes we have to tell them whether they feel hurt or resentful the truth about what we feel. If they want what we have they have to do what we do in order to get it. I'm not saying preach, just explain what you see and how you feel about it to the sponsee. My sponsor would point out my lack of willingness on more than one occasion. If they keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results and not willing to change. Then you should say politely, yet firmly " This isn't working for the both of us maybe you need to find another person to sponsor you" Sometimes that rings the bell with them. Or, if she says fine then you know she wasn't going to co operate in the first place. Then you are free to help someone else who has a desire to get sober and stay sober. No sense losing your sanity over this one. Just my thoughts. John D.
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans- Anonymous

Service
Forums Contributor
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:33 pm

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by Service » Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:42 am

To control and enjoy is the great obsession of every abnormal controller - whats wrong with just being a friend and excepting people for who they are ? No one here was denied of their sickness and why no human power can relive us but God could and would if sought instead of easily diverting each other from their journeys.

User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
Posts: 8538
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by PaigeB » Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:47 am

I lead the pack for a long time. My journey now is to follow and it feels good to rest.

We ceased fighting anyone or anything Service. Good to "SEE" you. (And I can see you - lol - I am THEY) :lol:
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

Service
Forums Contributor
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:33 pm

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by Service » Sun Sep 01, 2013 5:59 pm

Follow what? something one should of been doing long ago?
Join A.A FELLOWSHIP keep your religious fellowship superstition for the next victim
Don't walk in front nor behind join us and walk alongside, rested ever since. :P

User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
Posts: 8538
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: Letting Issues Go

Post by PaigeB » Sun Sep 01, 2013 9:12 pm

Yep - no doubt I should have been doing it a long time ago! I respect the woman that is my sponsor, she is a teacher and a role model.

And Service, you know I am an atheist... I can't believe you are accusing me of any kind of religious superstition.

Why are you so negative all the time? I wish you were happy. I am happy... stick around and it might wear off on you! :) :)
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

Post Reply