When to cut ties to a sponsee

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
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Floriole
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When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by Floriole » Wed Dec 26, 2012 4:23 pm

I have a guy I took through the steps 3 years ago and all I ask to to do is check in once a week by phone. Well, he goes months without calling and goes to maybe 1 meeting per month. MAYBE!

He tells everyone that I am his sponsor but can not do a few simple things I request. The same things my sponsor asked of me that I did and still do. (10 Years)

All comments are encouraged.

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Tommy-S
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by Tommy-S » Wed Dec 26, 2012 4:46 pm

Hi Floriole,

First, what does your sponsor suggest? I'm a believer in the 'do as I do' policy, and the benefit of my having a sponsor is that it gives us two perspectives.

(I also introduce sponsees to their 'grand-sponsee', when we start the steps together)

In sponsoring other people, I find myself doing more inventories than usual, making sure I keep ME & the EGO out of the picture... I have to ask myself why "I" am disturbed?

When they don't make it sober, am I afraid others will think I don't have AA? If they act the fool, do I worry about how that affects me? IF they are off doing their own thing, is my concern their welfare or how others will look at me? Has my attitude changed from one of grateful service to one of resentment?

And others that I have to check myself for and 'rat out' to my sponsor. That gets me 'right-sized'.

(For the record, I maintain at least weekly communication with my sponsor , usually at our Home Group meeting, but often more just to see how he is... Ours is a friendship now.)

Thanks...Tommy
Together, we don't have to cave in or wimp out to that Fatal First One, no matter what today!

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Blue Moon
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by Blue Moon » Wed Dec 26, 2012 5:30 pm

Why does it bother you? Maybe he only needs 1 meeting a month. I've known some attend 1 meeting a year. Doesn't work for me, but maybe some would judge my own attendance as inadequate.

Yet, who are they to judge? Anyone want a wager on whether my chances of staying sober are worse than someone who hides from reality with 14 meetings a week?

If he's sober, rejoice. If not, keep hope that he'll one day come around and do what sober AAs do.
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon

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PaigeB
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by PaigeB » Wed Dec 26, 2012 6:56 pm

I have a sponsee like that! Only she makes less meetings than that. I haven't asked my sponsor about it, but I know how she treats me... I call her - I email her - I do the work and I get the consequences. She not responsible for me in any way unless I reach out - even then, we keep the Big Book between us. She does not need to go any further than the program of AA and her own inner self presses her to go.

I needed to learn some personal integrity when I got here. :wink:
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Tosh
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by Tosh » Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:18 am

I've just let a sponsee go this morning because of the lack of contact between us. I've been 'sponsoring' him for about a year now and he still hasn't put pen to paper. He has had some mitigating circumstances what with working away, and his Mum spent some time in hospital, but the lack of phone calls seems to show some reluctance.

I let him go in the hope he will find another sponsor (which was my last suggestion to him); someone who will be more effective than I was with him. I have thought in the past that I'm not 'tough enough', but no, I'm fine the way I am - if they're willing - and if they're unwilling, maybe someone else has the 'magic words' to inspire them into action that I don't have.

I try my best to take them through the Big Book, but if they're unwilling, they're unwilling.

My now ex sponsee sounded quite relieved to be honest. :mrgreen:
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

CGPoolman
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by CGPoolman » Thu Dec 27, 2012 7:59 am

Hi Floriole,

I haven't sponsored anyone yet, but here is my take: If you have taken the sponsee through the steps, and they have 3 years sober - sounds like you have done a pretty good job as a sponsor! I've been told on more than one occasion that "I need to do what works best for me" and possibly that is what your sponsee is doing. From my own experience, I was pretty specific when looking for a sponsor. I made it clear I was looking for someone who would help me work thru the steps. I was not looking for a "boss" or a "babysitter" (been married for 20 years, I already have those LOL). I check in with him maybe 1-2 times a month, either by phone or by text and usually see him once or twice a month at meetings. He's always told me to "call if I need anything" and if I have a question/problem - I call. It was never mandated or expected that I check in every week or attend "X" number of meetings and quite frankly I don't it is right to expect or mandate that from a sponsee. If you don't like the way he is working the program maybe it is time for you to cut him loose and move on. From what you say it sounds like he is doing OK in his sobriety and maybe doesn't require that much maintenance.

-CG

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johnd
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by johnd » Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:05 am

Hi Floriole,
Have you had a talk with this sponsee lately to cut ties. Or better yet consider the ties are cut, If he cotinues to tell people your his sponsor so let it be. People who already know you wouldn't make any big deal out of it. My sponsor had moved about 18 years ago
about 70 miles from me. I call in or go visit to see how he is and maybe take in a meeting together if time allows us. I have another
sponsor here who I see 2 times a week which is really good. Do you know if he attends any other program such as N A or C A. ? I wouldn't take it personally, you showed him your experience now if he is 3 years or so sober just let'em loose he should have a grasp by now of what to do or not to do. Good luck I'm sure it will work out just maintain your sobriety and sanity. Remember we are not only powerless over alcohol, also people, places and things. John D.
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans- Anonymous

kenyal
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by kenyal » Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:23 am

He may be on his way out, backing off to that extent would indicate that possibility.

I'd make one phone call to encourage him to reevaluate his level of participation and let him know at this point after 3 years what he does regarding his recovery is his business, but you're willing to help again if he should find he needs to start over in the future.

Service
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by Service » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:05 am

When they find out the sponsor is crazy and need to seek a God that can intuitively handle situation that use to baffle them !

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Marc L
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by Marc L » Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:29 am

Tosh wrote:I've been 'sponsoring' him for about a year now and he still hasn't put pen to paper.

I try my best to take them through the Big Book, but if they're unwilling, they're unwilling.

My now ex sponsee sounded quite relieved to be honest. :mrgreen:
Well, Maybe your Written Work is not colorful or inspiring enough to get him started.
Or maybe the guy is illiterate and too ashamed to admit it. Ain't Tradition Three Fun? :D
You are just gonna' have to get creative.Take him on a BoatRide and ShakeHimALittle. :lol:

Marc
Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.

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PaigeB
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by PaigeB » Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:46 am

Oh a boat ride! You know, I used to get my teenagers on a road trip or ply them with a dinner out... sort of trick them into a face to face with me! LOL
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Marc L
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by Marc L » Mon Jul 08, 2013 10:57 am

Funny...
My Mother still tries to get into my life every now and then. I haven't seen her in years and that is okay for me. The 'Home Environment' sucked canal water so I simply left and never went back.
Problem solved. :D

Marc
Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.

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PaigeB
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by PaigeB » Mon Jul 08, 2013 11:15 am

As a mom, I think I would still keep inviting you to dinner... I probably have some amends to make!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Marc L
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by Marc L » Mon Jul 08, 2013 2:17 pm

PaigeB wrote:As a mom, I think I would still keep inviting you to dinner... I probably have some amends to make!
Perhaps, but I never much cared for her cooking.
The guilt and shame dumped on me while I was a defenseless kid all got transferred back to her when I left for good.
She may consider herself forgiven..., After all I did let her live. :D

Marc
Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.

Service
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Re: When to cut ties to a sponsee

Post by Service » Tue Jul 09, 2013 10:05 pm

When to cut ties to a sponsee ? After you introduce them to the people in the fellowship.
It’s humane to help anyone across the street but not to be able to let them go after across?
Not sure who is sicker.

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